"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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Faded and Blurred
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
A dream within a dream.
Hav u ever had one of those moments? Its like bein caught between the twilight zone and reality. I am fascinated by dreams. Researchers say tht its the mind giving ur innermost desires or ur most often thoughts physical reality. Spiritual ppl say tht its ur soul doin sum travelin. Realist say its the mind takin time off frm reality. LoL!
Me? There were times when I wished tht sweet dreams were reality.. and often sighed wif relief knwing tht nightmares were juz tht... bad dreams tht couldn't hurt me. But why izzit... tht often in my dreams I am aware tht I am in a dream? Most ppl are not able to tell themselves tht itz a dream.
Often, in my dreams... I am free. Literally free. Like peter pan... I can fly. I ride wif the wind. I can feel soaring thru the sky... or feelin the wind against my face like everytime I ride. In reality... perhaps the reason why I sumtimes ride recklessly alone. Juz to capture tht short moment of freedom. I always wanted to be free. Free from responsibilities. Free frm all my trivial problems and hardship. To be at peace and free to do the things tht i've always wanted. To be free frm conceptions and judgements.
I thought I was dreaming... wasnt I? I thought I could feel coughing my guts out. Itz been close to three days I've been without cigs. In tht three days... I've endured terrible pain wifout my usual prescription of 'painkiiler'
I thought I could hear the sound of my bike leaving me... but wait a minute? Hw could my bike leave me witout its rider still here? Oh yeah... I'm in a dream! Wake up shah!
I did wake up... didn't I? Why am i riding this straight stretch of road... I'm not supposed to be riding this cursed bike... I gav u up a long time ago!
But wht the heck... its really nice here. The cool wind... the speed. The blissful feeling of freedom @ 180 per hour. Wait... why izzit my back hurts like hell? Snap back to reality shah! Wake up!
So I did. As usual... I reached out in the darkness groping for my pack of ciggs... I'm only grappling for my mobile. Time check... great... i've fallen asleep early and now I'm up at 110 in the morning! Weird... a dream within a dream.
I was dreaming again. Tht's only natural isnt it? Dreams finds us when we slumber. Who doesnt? Can U share it wif me the technique on how to sleep without dreaming? Is my mind tht restless? Can a man find peace even when he's asleep?
I feel a gaping emtiness in me. Its cold outside. Sleep the last thing on my mind... I juz gaze the nightsky frm my bedroom window... waiting for slumber. And as always... I find myself remeniscing of the past.
Hav u ever had one of those moments? Its like bein caught between the twilight zone and reality. I am fascinated by dreams. Researchers say tht its the mind giving ur innermost desires or ur most often thoughts physical reality. Spiritual ppl say tht its ur soul doin sum travelin. Realist say its the mind takin time off frm reality. LoL!
Me? There were times when I wished tht sweet dreams were reality.. and often sighed wif relief knwing tht nightmares were juz tht... bad dreams tht couldn't hurt me. But why izzit... tht often in my dreams I am aware tht I am in a dream? Most ppl are not able to tell themselves tht itz a dream.
Often, in my dreams... I am free. Literally free. Like peter pan... I can fly. I ride wif the wind. I can feel soaring thru the sky... or feelin the wind against my face like everytime I ride. In reality... perhaps the reason why I sumtimes ride recklessly alone. Juz to capture tht short moment of freedom. I always wanted to be free. Free from responsibilities. Free frm all my trivial problems and hardship. To be at peace and free to do the things tht i've always wanted. To be free frm conceptions and judgements.
I thought I was dreaming... wasnt I? I thought I could feel coughing my guts out. Itz been close to three days I've been without cigs. In tht three days... I've endured terrible pain wifout my usual prescription of 'painkiiler'
I thought I could hear the sound of my bike leaving me... but wait a minute? Hw could my bike leave me witout its rider still here? Oh yeah... I'm in a dream! Wake up shah!
I did wake up... didn't I? Why am i riding this straight stretch of road... I'm not supposed to be riding this cursed bike... I gav u up a long time ago!
But wht the heck... its really nice here. The cool wind... the speed. The blissful feeling of freedom @ 180 per hour. Wait... why izzit my back hurts like hell? Snap back to reality shah! Wake up!
So I did. As usual... I reached out in the darkness groping for my pack of ciggs... I'm only grappling for my mobile. Time check... great... i've fallen asleep early and now I'm up at 110 in the morning! Weird... a dream within a dream.
I was dreaming again. Tht's only natural isnt it? Dreams finds us when we slumber. Who doesnt? Can U share it wif me the technique on how to sleep without dreaming? Is my mind tht restless? Can a man find peace even when he's asleep?
I feel a gaping emtiness in me. Its cold outside. Sleep the last thing on my mind... I juz gaze the nightsky frm my bedroom window... waiting for slumber. And as always... I find myself remeniscing of the past.
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More Than Juz Words
Sunday, November 20, 2005
They say a picture says a thousand words.
Hw bout music thn? Is music a reflection of a person's mood? Or perhaps its the other way around... music influences a persons mood?
Ppl do so many things to xpress themselves. Sum take up writing. Or a clothes concept or the cliques tht they hang out wif, lending credence to the saying birds of the same feather flock together. Sum are too confused to even knw wht image they wanted to be potrayed... these ppl are the ones I called posers... ppl tht r easily impressed. I picture them as tall trees wif pliable trunks... they bow to the direction following the wind. LoL!
These are often the ppl tht find strength in numbers. Example... bein very rude and obnoxious, picking stupid fight like "Eh... apa kau nak tgk aku atas bawah?" LoL! I feel like laughing at these ppl... after all... watching them strut their 'stuffs' in skin tight jeans... u might wander if their skinny legs might break wif a well placed kick. Sides... guess the world muz be runnin out of denim material.
And when they r alone... well.. lets juz say they tend to be very good boys. Pathetic. Its really hard to earn my respect... and even harder to gain my trust.
I often cum across raya photos... or even encounterin 'rombongan' raya these week. Often I would encounter them at the traffic light when I'm on my bike waiting for the trafic lite to turn green... or even at the bus stop when the rare times I took the bus for a change.
One thing tht is constant.. is tht I luv lookin at the ladies in their traditional kurung. It bring back pride of knwing tht I am a malay. Of my heritage and my history. Like the saying goes.. "Tak melayu hilang di dunia"
So you can imagine my horror when I came across a couple of mats in spiky punk dyed hair. Wif a kurung top and tapered JEANS.
What fashion sense is this? Tapered kurong? Can sumone pls cum forward and tell me wht's the appeal wif tapered? I mean... if u gt sum meat and muscle behind it I can perhaps understand u wana show off... like the saying goes "If U hav it, flaunt it!"
But wearing xteme tights when u r juz skin over bones? To quote frm Harry Potter... "Bloody Hell!"
Niway... yeah, I envy the laughter and the joy tht most ppl hav this festive season. Perhaps its juz me alawys so distant and brooding. As of late... I've been doin lotsa thinking. Trying to define myself... wht I want in life and reflecting time and time again frm my past... hoping to find answers frm questions tht perhaps sumthing tht I might hav overlooked.
Sum ppl are juz plain much more fortunate than I am. They r blessed wif happiness... not knwing the meaning or defination of hardship. But when I look at these ppl... envy turned to pity and then appreciation. Envy tht they r so happy... bt then I would ask myself... the reason behind the happiness. The answer is tht cums back to me is "sheltered and pampered."
The booksmart and the streetsmart. Often it is the poor or sumone tht often faced wif hardship tht leans more on streetsmart. The booksmart are the rich, pampered pll tht r often coddled or whooed wif riches or too much overwhelming luv.
Thts when pity and appreciation sets in. Pity these poor souls who do not knw the meaning or taste of hardship and loss. To be sheltered frm the reality of life is indeed a very sad and painful thing if the poor soul do encounter the real world. Appreciation tht for all my moaning and jealousness... well.. at least I knw how to take care of myself and those whom I hold most dear.
It is indeed very lonely the path tht I walk. Perhaps I am not lonely at all, merely me juz bein very solitary and all. After all, is it the ppl around me whose at fault juz becoz they fail to see the real me beneath the facade? Not everyone is tht perceptive or deep thinking shah. U hav to remember tht.
Perhaps tht's the reason why... only those closest to me do hav the capacity to look further beyond... or the compassion and empathy themselves. For I choose my frenz well. For I hav been taught well.
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I realized I am a solitary person.
I realized tht. I am nt the type of guy tht U will see in the middle of the party or the one bringing life and comedy in outing group.
I detest crowded and noisy places, instead I luv the soothing sounds at the beach or juz staring at wide open green places. Bright lights hurt my eyes, causing me migraines and discomfort.
Fishing. One of my most favourite moments. It is the rare times when I am at peace and tranquil. It is here tht I would reach deep within myself. Sumtimes I can see memories being flashed right before my eyes. Sumtimes I can hear the voice of those ppl tht hav gone before me.
And it is also one of the times tht I feel tht I am free. Free frm all the trials and hardships as well as the many things thts plaquing my mind. Often my frenz ask me to the reason why I hav premature white hairs... I am only 23 years old.
Looking back now... I realized tht I started havin white hair after dad passed away. I used to remember tht I will get very angry and annoyed when ppl started askin me tht question. And tht annoyance often turn to violence when their question slide into mockery.
Now... I am no longer bothered by tht question. After all, tht white hair tht I so used to detest is a mark of my age... tht I am indeed aging. After all... one glance at me and u'd think tht I'm still juz a 16 or 17 year old guy.
Besides... these white hair r signs tht only few would knw. Sum say white hair is the mark of wisdom. Sum also say tht premature white hair is the mark of a kind and gentle person. Heck... sum even say white hair is juz tht I hav too much things in my mind. Me? All I knw is juz tht... I hav lotsa white hair.
Fishing is more than juz trying to catch fish. For me... its a test of my patience and bonding wif nature. Hw many times hav I fished in the blazing sun or in the chilling rain? Its also a test of my endurance against mature nature. Besides... fishing helps to broaden my mind. I so luv to gaze at the blue sky in the day or gazing the star littered sky in the nite. Yeah... u see so much stars at nite as the fishing spot tht I always frequent is very secluded; away frm the artificial lights of the urban areas.
Its very peaceful at nite and sumtimes the day. There's no sound of vehicles or the sound of a typical bz city. All I hear is the sound of the waves crashing against the waterbreaker of the bubble like sounds like in an aquarium. Though my eyes hurt when the sun is too brights.. I luv to see the green and sumtimes blue sea water. See the gentle rythm of the waves... the great open spaces... and more importantly... the company tht I keep.
For me... itz an honour to be asked to go fishin wif me. Truth be told... I prefer to fish alone. Juz me and myself and my memories. Sumtimes I let my mind wander and imagine how its like if I were to fish wif Hazrul; especially wif my dad. He used to be a fisherman back in his bujang days. I wander wht tips he could share wif me.
Fishing... sum say its a waste of time. Sum say its a stupid way to get fish when itz so much easier... not to mention quicker to get fish frm the market. These poor fools cant see tht I dun fish juz merely to get and eat fish. Its like a stress release therapy for me. A place where shah is juz tht... shah. Not Shah DarKSidE or whtever side. Juz an ordinary guy enjoying the moment.. away frm the hustle and bustle of hectic life. Away frm all his daily worries and stress. Away frm all his sadness and loss. Juz my favourite moment of peacefulness to be shared wif special ppl.
And when the fish do bite... well.. gives credence to the saying "Good things cum to those who wait"
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The (Perfect) Dream
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Wht dreams may cum...
I was jolted frm slumber by one of my many perfect dream. Dreams... a cruel trick of the mind on reality, reminding me of my loss and the many possibilities of my life's choices. The wht if questions tht often plaqued my mind.
Its so cruel. Often this is the type of dream tht fills me wif longing and sadness. It made me sumtimes wonder if I am makin any progress of tryin to be a better person. Makes me wonder if I am but juz deludin myself tht I am one step closer to redemption.
Its so hard to knw if I am making the right choices in life. There is no one I can ask for directions, nor is there any road directions tht can lead me. Life's choices is not like when U r riding, a signboard showing rite and left or straight ahead to whenever u r heading, the where to or its final destination. Neither can U knw weather its a dead end or a U-turn.
I dreamed of fishin wif my dad. In tht dream... I dreamed tht the two of us in the family van going to my favourite fishin spot. I can hear his all too familiar voice and his warm smile. I miss tht so much.
Its so strange. I always knw tht its a dream. My heart screaming to wake up and snap out of this dream before I can disappoint myself. But I can't... though a part of me knws tht its not reality, but another part of me beggin to juz stay in tht dream for juz awhile longer...
And so we fixed the fishin rod together... my dad lookin at me as though waiting an invitation for me to fish together wif him...
"Apa ayah tunggu? Nah pakaila joran aiman yang lagi satu ni..." Aiman? Its been so long since I used tht name. Only my dad used to kol me tht when he was alive back then. With a chuckle he began assembling the rod and fixing the rig and bait... wht was even weirder was tht in tht dream I brought the same equipment for fishin in reality. The same twin rod.. the rig album and even the same spools.
We threw our line the same time... my dad challengin me who can throw the furthest... He won hands down and I laughed and teased tht its not fair as I'm using the shorter rod. Then both of us sat in silence waiting for the fish to bite... we sat down side by side... and I can feel tht familiar warmth tht I missed so much... I looked to my side to glance my dad... he smiled at me and noded back to my rod in a gesture tht said "Hey... look after ur own rod!"
And so I did... I mind givin up tryin to wake up frm tht pleasant dream and instead juz luxuriatin the moment tht I've always wanted all my life. "Ayah tau tak Aiman slalu nak panceng ngan ayah...?" I looked to my right as I said...
And he's gone. Poof... juz gone. Like he was never there in the 1st place. I called for him... again and again... the all too familiar sense of loss creepin up on me...
I woke up wif a start... kwning tht itz juz a dream. Always dreams. I sat up at the edge of bed... feeling all the loss and sadness. Its juz a dream. Itz juz a dream. A cruel trick of the mind on reality.
In a routine tht's so familiar these days... I reached out for my pack of cigs... tryin to banish the terrible pain at my spine and to steady nerves. Restless... wif sleep the last thing on my mind, I'm blogging this seeking solace and peace of mind, trying to find answers. Five stubs already down... yet the sadness refuse to go away. Restless... so restless.
The moon hidden behind rainclouds... Was tht really u in my dreams dad? Or juz my mind conjuring an image of u in my dreams to quench this sad longing soul? I really miss u dad...
I was jolted frm slumber by one of my many perfect dream. Dreams... a cruel trick of the mind on reality, reminding me of my loss and the many possibilities of my life's choices. The wht if questions tht often plaqued my mind.
Its so cruel. Often this is the type of dream tht fills me wif longing and sadness. It made me sumtimes wonder if I am makin any progress of tryin to be a better person. Makes me wonder if I am but juz deludin myself tht I am one step closer to redemption.
Its so hard to knw if I am making the right choices in life. There is no one I can ask for directions, nor is there any road directions tht can lead me. Life's choices is not like when U r riding, a signboard showing rite and left or straight ahead to whenever u r heading, the where to or its final destination. Neither can U knw weather its a dead end or a U-turn.
I dreamed of fishin wif my dad. In tht dream... I dreamed tht the two of us in the family van going to my favourite fishin spot. I can hear his all too familiar voice and his warm smile. I miss tht so much.
Its so strange. I always knw tht its a dream. My heart screaming to wake up and snap out of this dream before I can disappoint myself. But I can't... though a part of me knws tht its not reality, but another part of me beggin to juz stay in tht dream for juz awhile longer...
And so we fixed the fishin rod together... my dad lookin at me as though waiting an invitation for me to fish together wif him...
"Apa ayah tunggu? Nah pakaila joran aiman yang lagi satu ni..." Aiman? Its been so long since I used tht name. Only my dad used to kol me tht when he was alive back then. With a chuckle he began assembling the rod and fixing the rig and bait... wht was even weirder was tht in tht dream I brought the same equipment for fishin in reality. The same twin rod.. the rig album and even the same spools.
We threw our line the same time... my dad challengin me who can throw the furthest... He won hands down and I laughed and teased tht its not fair as I'm using the shorter rod. Then both of us sat in silence waiting for the fish to bite... we sat down side by side... and I can feel tht familiar warmth tht I missed so much... I looked to my side to glance my dad... he smiled at me and noded back to my rod in a gesture tht said "Hey... look after ur own rod!"
And so I did... I mind givin up tryin to wake up frm tht pleasant dream and instead juz luxuriatin the moment tht I've always wanted all my life. "Ayah tau tak Aiman slalu nak panceng ngan ayah...?" I looked to my right as I said...
And he's gone. Poof... juz gone. Like he was never there in the 1st place. I called for him... again and again... the all too familiar sense of loss creepin up on me...
I woke up wif a start... kwning tht itz juz a dream. Always dreams. I sat up at the edge of bed... feeling all the loss and sadness. Its juz a dream. Itz juz a dream. A cruel trick of the mind on reality.
In a routine tht's so familiar these days... I reached out for my pack of cigs... tryin to banish the terrible pain at my spine and to steady nerves. Restless... wif sleep the last thing on my mind, I'm blogging this seeking solace and peace of mind, trying to find answers. Five stubs already down... yet the sadness refuse to go away. Restless... so restless.
The moon hidden behind rainclouds... Was tht really u in my dreams dad? Or juz my mind conjuring an image of u in my dreams to quench this sad longing soul? I really miss u dad...
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Flowers for the Dead Revisited
Saturday, November 12, 2005
There is a sense of loss in the air. Is it true tht good ppl always leave 1st? I so hated tht word. Perhaps it is meant to be a condolence. Its like "Hey.. he passed away coz he's a good man. God luvs him so much."
Two passing wihin less than a month from another. One before ramadhan, the other juz a week after raya.
My mentor's dad passed away. Heart attack. As always, I can see the deep sorrow in his eyes. But there were no tears... but I do knw, tht he is torn up inside.
And as always, it always brings back memories. As i sit outside the house wif my mentor and bro, smoking and sippin cold coffee, he shared wif us the things tht he hav to do... of the heavy responsibilities tht hav dropped on his shoulders. I kept mostly to myself. It is not tht I do not care... but I do knw... for me... words are only so much. One can never begin to describe the sense of loss and sorrow. Actions speaks louder than words... but one thing tht I do knw, tht I will help him if I can help and when needed.
Trust. Countless times I hav place my trust in others. Yes.. I do find tht article eye opening... even true. But when I look closely, yeah it is indeed hard to trust when it is always broken. Trust and promise. These things always cum hand in hand.
Ppl always change. Yeah, I do knw tht. Change is always constant. But I sumtimes do wonder... hav my presence ever changed the lives of others? For better or for worse? I find it very sad sumtimes, when a long lost fren is found only to find tht they they hav changed... often for the worse.
Then the wht IFs cums into play. If I was there beside tht person everystep of the way... would tht person be wht tht person is now? If I had kept my promise to my dad 12 years ago... would he be alive rite now? There is so many ifs.
Shah... I am only human. I am not superman. I can't be everywher at once, trying to make a difference 24/7. I too hav my crisis of faith. I too stumble and fall. I bleed and I heal... again and again. And I do tire.
But yes... it is indeed sad to see changes. Changes tht sumtimes affect the bond of frenships. "My xperience in life forces me to change..." Is there any sadder words to tht?
Was tht wht my mentor was tryin to ask me? tryin to deliver me another of his crytip lessons in life? I too hav cum across a dear fren once. The change was so sudden tht I paused and ask myself... is this the same person tht I once knw?
"My xperience in life forces me to change..." Peace to u my fren. For I believe tht change is when one succumbs to the environment arnd it. Sumthing tht can be so bitter and tragic, tht often forces change. I hav witness the light becum dark... and the dark return to the light. Sum becum shades of grey...
And it always change. Even me. Did I not walk the path of darkness becoz of change? Bitter regret... anger... spite and hatred. Even despair? The basest of dark human emotions. The catalyst tht sets change into motion.
Flowers for the dead. There is one thing tht never change. No matter how hard u try... no matter how many good deeds tht u perform.
U can't change the past. And I always hope and pray... tht the ppl tht I truly care and luv, will change for the better. Even me... coz there is always hope.
For u mentor... words cant describe of my gratefulness for ur many sound advice. Advice tht u gav frm wisdom, compassion and the belief in self. U now knw hw much it means to lose a dad. I lost mine along time ago. Perhaps by finding ur answers, I will find my way bck home too.
And yes... I knw and understand the burden u now carry on ur shoulders.
Two passing wihin less than a month from another. One before ramadhan, the other juz a week after raya.
My mentor's dad passed away. Heart attack. As always, I can see the deep sorrow in his eyes. But there were no tears... but I do knw, tht he is torn up inside.
And as always, it always brings back memories. As i sit outside the house wif my mentor and bro, smoking and sippin cold coffee, he shared wif us the things tht he hav to do... of the heavy responsibilities tht hav dropped on his shoulders. I kept mostly to myself. It is not tht I do not care... but I do knw... for me... words are only so much. One can never begin to describe the sense of loss and sorrow. Actions speaks louder than words... but one thing tht I do knw, tht I will help him if I can help and when needed.
Trust. Countless times I hav place my trust in others. Yes.. I do find tht article eye opening... even true. But when I look closely, yeah it is indeed hard to trust when it is always broken. Trust and promise. These things always cum hand in hand.
Ppl always change. Yeah, I do knw tht. Change is always constant. But I sumtimes do wonder... hav my presence ever changed the lives of others? For better or for worse? I find it very sad sumtimes, when a long lost fren is found only to find tht they they hav changed... often for the worse.
Then the wht IFs cums into play. If I was there beside tht person everystep of the way... would tht person be wht tht person is now? If I had kept my promise to my dad 12 years ago... would he be alive rite now? There is so many ifs.
Shah... I am only human. I am not superman. I can't be everywher at once, trying to make a difference 24/7. I too hav my crisis of faith. I too stumble and fall. I bleed and I heal... again and again. And I do tire.
But yes... it is indeed sad to see changes. Changes tht sumtimes affect the bond of frenships. "My xperience in life forces me to change..." Is there any sadder words to tht?
Was tht wht my mentor was tryin to ask me? tryin to deliver me another of his crytip lessons in life? I too hav cum across a dear fren once. The change was so sudden tht I paused and ask myself... is this the same person tht I once knw?
"My xperience in life forces me to change..." Peace to u my fren. For I believe tht change is when one succumbs to the environment arnd it. Sumthing tht can be so bitter and tragic, tht often forces change. I hav witness the light becum dark... and the dark return to the light. Sum becum shades of grey...
And it always change. Even me. Did I not walk the path of darkness becoz of change? Bitter regret... anger... spite and hatred. Even despair? The basest of dark human emotions. The catalyst tht sets change into motion.
Flowers for the dead. There is one thing tht never change. No matter how hard u try... no matter how many good deeds tht u perform.
U can't change the past. And I always hope and pray... tht the ppl tht I truly care and luv, will change for the better. Even me... coz there is always hope.
For u mentor... words cant describe of my gratefulness for ur many sound advice. Advice tht u gav frm wisdom, compassion and the belief in self. U now knw hw much it means to lose a dad. I lost mine along time ago. Perhaps by finding ur answers, I will find my way bck home too.
And yes... I knw and understand the burden u now carry on ur shoulders.
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Trust
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I came across this on MSH homepage.. it goes like this.
No one is born knowing how to trust. Life gives us many teachers, some caring and others cruel. Few of us receive a solid base of trust as children. Even fewer are taught how to trust ourselves. Regardless of the lessons we each received, we need to learn how to trust as adults.
But we don't have to be condemned by our early life experiences. Trust is a skill to be learned and a choice to be made. It's a gift to be shared with those who appreciate its importance.
Trust is also fragile and must be handled with great care. Careless words and impulsive actions can easily damage trust. Some decide early in life to seldom trust anyone, keeping their authentic selves hidden from any possibility of rejection or betrayal. This is a safe but narrow path.
Wisdom comes from taking the risk to reach out and trust others, although we know that we're likely to make some mistakes and we know that the bond of trust may not last forever. This is where courage comes into play. Why? Because it takes courage to confide in others. When we let down our guard in the hopes of a compassionate response, we take the risk that others may judge us. With a shift of the emotional current, the door of tenderness may shut, and support transforms to criticism. If continued betrayals happen to us over time, the world may seem filled with potential dangers, and we'll be tempted to limit how vulnerable we dare to be.
Confronting these fears takes deliberate and brave efforts. Those who had relatively painless childhoods still may find that even the most trusted people can fail them. Friends and lovers say unkind things. Lust runs over commitment. Employers make bad decisions and go bankrupt, costing people their jobs. Selfish desires often override promises made to others.
Why You Should Learn to Trust
So why should anyone bother to expand the ability to trust more deeply? Because it can bring tremendous comfort and joy. Trust is the heartbeat of every significant relationship. Without trust, love has no place to grow. There's a sense of safety and comfort when trust is present, and little inhibition. The return to trust after a disagreement with a loved one is a very special return to joy.
In an ideal world, trust would be the standard, and betrayals would be unusual. Trust would rarely need to be discussed, because people would be honest. There would be a shared awareness of a greater good being served, and we would follow the rules we were given as children:
Tell the truth, even when it hurts, because "honesty is the best policy."
"You're only as good as your word."
"Think before you speak."
"Treat others as you would like to be treated," the Golden Rule of love applied to all.
We were taught that good people obeyed these guidelines and were punished when caught being unable to do so. Later we found out these rules were constantly broken by parents, teachers, and friends. Although the rules are based in common sense, they aren't in common practice.
We also quickly figured out that these rules were seldom enforceable, and many of our peers considered us foolish if we insisted on sticking to them. We were taken advantage of if we held to them ourselves: No one who's playing by the rules can win a game if everyone else is cheating. The immediate gratification of being accepted means playing along.
A conflict between what we see and what we feel plays havoc on our developing beliefs. This confusion is carried into adulthood and makes trust one of the most important riddles we have to solve.
And yet every day, we're put to the trust test. From accepting a doctor's diagnosis to assuming that a car will stop at a red light before we cross the street, trust plays a role in our actions and assumptions. Just to get through the day, we are called upon to make many leaps of faith.
The Real Meaning of Trust
If you're not exactly sure what trust is, you're part of a very big club. We all hunger for the ability to believe in others, and yet we may fall into self-destructive trust patterns that lead to stress-riddled relationships. We complain about the other person or situation, but remain enmeshed. We're stuck in a self-defeating cycle, deepening the distrust in ourselves and almost everyone else. Here are some of the common traps:
If your boss, spouse, best friends, and children seem to take advantage of you, it's probably because you're not asking for what you want. Why? Because you don't trust them to listen without criticizing or rejecting you.
If you stay in jobs, relationships, or even homes that aren't satisfying, you may lack trust in your judgment and ability to handle making big changes on your own.
If you have a dream career or healthier lifestyle in your sights but aren't taking any steps toward making it happen, it could be because you lack faith in a positive future.
Many of these problems occur because we don't have a strong enough sense of self-trust. To say "I trust myself" means taking care of one's own needs and safety and being a loving force in one's own life. It's scary to be truly honest with other people until we know we can count on ourselves. Keeping our promises to ourselves is fundamental to achieving the independence necessary to feel like a real adult. That's the key to self-confidence, to having the ability to explore new choices and tackle big challenges.
Self-trust is not a steady state of self-confidence, immune to fear of failure and rejection. We may still be tempted to defer to others' opinions or pay heed to the inner voices that echo the people who never encouraged us to believe in ourselves. But learning self-trust will help us quiet those voices. As we change, we will attract others who believe in themselves -- and in us.
Trusting someone is not an all-or-nothing proposition. A child wants to have perfect trust about all things, at all times. An adult learns more moderate expectations. Each relationship has a different place in our lives. A certain friend can be a shoulder to cry on but is irresponsible with money. One friend can keep a secret, while another would make a perfect gossip columnist. You discover that a new pal's casual "See you later" is actually more to be counted on than an old friend's sworn oath.
We are in charge of the depth of trust we want to offer. Once we recognize our patterns, get comfortable with our instincts, and find confidence in our skills, the choices will be clearer. And we will possess the courage to create meaningful and lasting relationships.
By increasing trust in ourselves and others, we gather the courage needed to have faith in a positive future for ourselves, despite the risk of failure. Faith in the face of uncertainty is based on a sense that there is something intrinsically good about life. When we have this kind of faith, we can name what we want and overcome obstacles to achieve it. We will develop confidence in our ability to move forward into the future.
Reprinted with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. The Courage To Trust, Cynthia Wall.
Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal magazine, August 2005
But we don't have to be condemned by our early life experiences. Trust is a skill to be learned and a choice to be made. It's a gift to be shared with those who appreciate its importance.
Trust is also fragile and must be handled with great care. Careless words and impulsive actions can easily damage trust. Some decide early in life to seldom trust anyone, keeping their authentic selves hidden from any possibility of rejection or betrayal. This is a safe but narrow path.
Wisdom comes from taking the risk to reach out and trust others, although we know that we're likely to make some mistakes and we know that the bond of trust may not last forever. This is where courage comes into play. Why? Because it takes courage to confide in others. When we let down our guard in the hopes of a compassionate response, we take the risk that others may judge us. With a shift of the emotional current, the door of tenderness may shut, and support transforms to criticism. If continued betrayals happen to us over time, the world may seem filled with potential dangers, and we'll be tempted to limit how vulnerable we dare to be.
Confronting these fears takes deliberate and brave efforts. Those who had relatively painless childhoods still may find that even the most trusted people can fail them. Friends and lovers say unkind things. Lust runs over commitment. Employers make bad decisions and go bankrupt, costing people their jobs. Selfish desires often override promises made to others.
Why You Should Learn to Trust
So why should anyone bother to expand the ability to trust more deeply? Because it can bring tremendous comfort and joy. Trust is the heartbeat of every significant relationship. Without trust, love has no place to grow. There's a sense of safety and comfort when trust is present, and little inhibition. The return to trust after a disagreement with a loved one is a very special return to joy.
In an ideal world, trust would be the standard, and betrayals would be unusual. Trust would rarely need to be discussed, because people would be honest. There would be a shared awareness of a greater good being served, and we would follow the rules we were given as children:
Tell the truth, even when it hurts, because "honesty is the best policy."
"You're only as good as your word."
"Think before you speak."
"Treat others as you would like to be treated," the Golden Rule of love applied to all.
We were taught that good people obeyed these guidelines and were punished when caught being unable to do so. Later we found out these rules were constantly broken by parents, teachers, and friends. Although the rules are based in common sense, they aren't in common practice.
We also quickly figured out that these rules were seldom enforceable, and many of our peers considered us foolish if we insisted on sticking to them. We were taken advantage of if we held to them ourselves: No one who's playing by the rules can win a game if everyone else is cheating. The immediate gratification of being accepted means playing along.
A conflict between what we see and what we feel plays havoc on our developing beliefs. This confusion is carried into adulthood and makes trust one of the most important riddles we have to solve.
And yet every day, we're put to the trust test. From accepting a doctor's diagnosis to assuming that a car will stop at a red light before we cross the street, trust plays a role in our actions and assumptions. Just to get through the day, we are called upon to make many leaps of faith.
The Real Meaning of Trust
If you're not exactly sure what trust is, you're part of a very big club. We all hunger for the ability to believe in others, and yet we may fall into self-destructive trust patterns that lead to stress-riddled relationships. We complain about the other person or situation, but remain enmeshed. We're stuck in a self-defeating cycle, deepening the distrust in ourselves and almost everyone else. Here are some of the common traps:
If your boss, spouse, best friends, and children seem to take advantage of you, it's probably because you're not asking for what you want. Why? Because you don't trust them to listen without criticizing or rejecting you.
If you stay in jobs, relationships, or even homes that aren't satisfying, you may lack trust in your judgment and ability to handle making big changes on your own.
If you have a dream career or healthier lifestyle in your sights but aren't taking any steps toward making it happen, it could be because you lack faith in a positive future.
Many of these problems occur because we don't have a strong enough sense of self-trust. To say "I trust myself" means taking care of one's own needs and safety and being a loving force in one's own life. It's scary to be truly honest with other people until we know we can count on ourselves. Keeping our promises to ourselves is fundamental to achieving the independence necessary to feel like a real adult. That's the key to self-confidence, to having the ability to explore new choices and tackle big challenges.
Self-trust is not a steady state of self-confidence, immune to fear of failure and rejection. We may still be tempted to defer to others' opinions or pay heed to the inner voices that echo the people who never encouraged us to believe in ourselves. But learning self-trust will help us quiet those voices. As we change, we will attract others who believe in themselves -- and in us.
Trusting someone is not an all-or-nothing proposition. A child wants to have perfect trust about all things, at all times. An adult learns more moderate expectations. Each relationship has a different place in our lives. A certain friend can be a shoulder to cry on but is irresponsible with money. One friend can keep a secret, while another would make a perfect gossip columnist. You discover that a new pal's casual "See you later" is actually more to be counted on than an old friend's sworn oath.
We are in charge of the depth of trust we want to offer. Once we recognize our patterns, get comfortable with our instincts, and find confidence in our skills, the choices will be clearer. And we will possess the courage to create meaningful and lasting relationships.
By increasing trust in ourselves and others, we gather the courage needed to have faith in a positive future for ourselves, despite the risk of failure. Faith in the face of uncertainty is based on a sense that there is something intrinsically good about life. When we have this kind of faith, we can name what we want and overcome obstacles to achieve it. We will develop confidence in our ability to move forward into the future.
Reprinted with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. The Courage To Trust, Cynthia Wall.
Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal magazine, August 2005
(0) comments
I am... am I?
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Its been close to 12 years dad. 12 years since u had left us. In tht span of time, I thought wif time all wound heals. Well, perhaps it does... bt it left me with a very deep scar tht still throbbed wif pain once in a while.
Often, when I am alone, I would muse wht would life be like if u were still alive. Will I be like wht I am now? Or would I juz be another pain in ur side? Still tht rude, stubborn foul mouthed brat. Its funny dad... one thing I learn in life is tht it often takes a great tragedy and a greater amount of regret to ultimately push tht person to change for the better. But sumtimes, tht same amnt of regret can also push a person down the road of self destruction.
Both road I hav travelled. But often... it was my memory of u tht would ultimately push me back to the brink of sanity. Wht would u say to me dad if u were still alive?
Day by day... I can remember u... but I feel disconnected sumhow. Ur warmth is juz a distant memory now. Could it be tht I am so far gone into the darkness tht U r ashamed of me? I knw dad... I knw tht I promised tht I would grow up to be the best tht I can be and be this great responsible man tht would take care of the family u hav left behind. Look at me now... uncertain, even lost at times. And still running away frm my responsibilities. Wht a fine son huh?
Well dad... I used to think tht remaining in the light I would be juz like u. Times changed dad. I remembered when I took the path of darkness, I could almost hear ur disapproval. I did tht out of bitterness and anger. I did so out of spite and hatred. I am only human dad. There is only so much I could endure all the injustice and whtever shit ppl throw in my way. Even I am disillusioned wif the principles of ur life tht U had imparted to me while u were still alive.
And xperience is the best teacher to me when u were gone. I did live by ur principles... I still am. There were so many questions tht I wanted to ask. U taught me to live my life doin the morally right. To hold the moral high ground so tht ppl look up and respect u. Tht by helpin ppl... when U were in need they will in turn help u back. And ppl will remember u for all the good deeds u had done.
Well dad, I blieve tht world tht u taught me is but juz a memory now. Its a complete reversal now. Ppl tht mistreats others, inflicting pain and hardship is often loved and remembered fondly. Livin a responsible free happy go lucky is wht ppl want nowadays. Gone are the days when the measure of a man is by the amnt of good deeds he had performed. No... now the measure of a man is by physical appearance and how he conn his way thru.
Now i no longer try to change the world dad. Now i no longer help ppl anymore. Even sum of these ppl tht I had named as my close frenz backstabbed me in the back... worse... i've been let down often by ppl tht I thought was my significant others in the past.
U knw wht makes me so sad dad? U knw wht I often saw in my minds eye if u were still alive? U would still be yelling at me for wht I am now. And I would then retaliate wif voice raised, makin u hurt even more. Look at me now... a far cry frm tht 11 year old boy tht U last saw before u closed ur eyes...
Even sadder knwing wht mum said was true... if U were still alive, a look at me now... all the terrible things tht I had done... u would wish tht u were indeed dead.
Mum sumtimes cry all alone in her room. Tht makes me hate myself even more. More often thn not.. it is becoz of my wrongdoings tht she shed tears. IF u were alive... would I hurt u tht much too? Guess I already did. Itz juz tht I cant see u anymore. All the more reason I hate myself. When tht happens... the more I loose myself into the darkness.
Then why do u do tht u would hav said. Becoz dad... when u r in the light too long, u blinded urself. I hav tried tht path once. It made me look down on these ppl. Ppl who are lost in the darkness are sumtimes real ppl wif shattered hopes and dreams.... they go into the darkness perhaps to find themselves again. Much like me. This is a cruel world dad. Happy endings like those dramas and movies are not real. They r stories trying to make sense... lost ppl who wished tht things would hav ended tht way.
More often thn not dad... life is a struggle tht many never rise again. I am not as strong as u dad. I'm not even half the man u are. Even after all these years.... ppl still respect and remember ur legacy dad.
Sumtimes I dream abt u dad. in tht dream, u are still alive and our family is together like the old days... picknicks and jln2 raya in the family van. Sumtimes I dream we rode together side by side... even fishin together. One of those father and son moments. But then I would wake up... followed by an unnamed sadness knwin itz juz a dream.
I really miss u dad. Sis is always doin the family proud. She's a successful daughter u hav always wanted. A good career... high qualification. I should be juz like her. But no... I am more like a disgrace to the family. I could never show this side of me to them dad. I do not knw why. They wouldnt believe it even if they see it.
All they saw dad, is an irresponsible and uncaring son. I do not let them see tht I'm missin u dad. Always thinkin of u when I am alone. Of findin ways on how I can redeem myself.
Perhaps u can see wht others cant see. Perhaps u can see tht I am still tryin to help ppl. Ppl tht truly deserves it. Perhaps u can see my hidden compassion and kindness. Perhaps u can see tht lil spark of hope in this dark tainted soul. Hahah.. tht's a very BIG perhaps.
I am weary dad. So tired. Its so hard this path I hav choosen. Its even harder to keep this family together. Everybody is driftin away now. Is tht one of ur greatest fear dad? Were u ever afraid tht U will fail as a husband or as a dad?
Coz I am afraid dad. Afraid tht I can never keep tht promise. Afraid tht I will fail as a responsible son. Afraid tht I will fail to redeem myself. I hav so much fear. Sumtimes I wonder if I can ever make u proud.
I really miss u dad. I wished u were here beside me.... givin me advice. I really miss those father and son moments while I was a boy. Remember we used to play badminton and cycle together? Hahah... even when we play monopoly perhaps u knw I let u win? OR when we play checkers u would ruthlessly let me loose and then taught me the winning moves? I even remembered how we gt our hands wif glue wif u tryin to help me assemble tht model toy jet fighter u gt for me on my 11th bday...
I really wished u were there to witness my prize presentation for my PSLE. But then u were already gone...
U knw dad... everytime I win during my silat tournament, I did tht for u. Remember when I 1st joined silat? I was so physically frail.... U've always been there to defend me frm bullies. Now... nobody dares to bully me anymore. And when I went to Sri Lanka in my relief efforts... I did tht to honour ur principles in life dad.... of helpin ppl truly in need.
I wished I could see u. Hug u one last time and tell u of how sorry I am. At least sis managed to treat u out for a nice dinner. Me? Hahah... all i could ever affort to treat u was a 20 cents ice cream. Its not much dad... but it was all tht I had. I wished tht I could be this guy tht u could be proud of. But rest well knwin tht I hav not forgotten u dad. Despite this path of darkness tht I walk, I still live my life wif an innate sense of honour. Still helpin ppl truly in the need and doin goodness tht not many can see.
Goodbye dad. I will visit u frm time to time. U r always in my prayers. U're the greatest dad a son could hav. And thts the reason why I'm still feeling the loss even after all these years. Rest in peace dad.
Often, when I am alone, I would muse wht would life be like if u were still alive. Will I be like wht I am now? Or would I juz be another pain in ur side? Still tht rude, stubborn foul mouthed brat. Its funny dad... one thing I learn in life is tht it often takes a great tragedy and a greater amount of regret to ultimately push tht person to change for the better. But sumtimes, tht same amnt of regret can also push a person down the road of self destruction.
Both road I hav travelled. But often... it was my memory of u tht would ultimately push me back to the brink of sanity. Wht would u say to me dad if u were still alive?
Day by day... I can remember u... but I feel disconnected sumhow. Ur warmth is juz a distant memory now. Could it be tht I am so far gone into the darkness tht U r ashamed of me? I knw dad... I knw tht I promised tht I would grow up to be the best tht I can be and be this great responsible man tht would take care of the family u hav left behind. Look at me now... uncertain, even lost at times. And still running away frm my responsibilities. Wht a fine son huh?
Well dad... I used to think tht remaining in the light I would be juz like u. Times changed dad. I remembered when I took the path of darkness, I could almost hear ur disapproval. I did tht out of bitterness and anger. I did so out of spite and hatred. I am only human dad. There is only so much I could endure all the injustice and whtever shit ppl throw in my way. Even I am disillusioned wif the principles of ur life tht U had imparted to me while u were still alive.
And xperience is the best teacher to me when u were gone. I did live by ur principles... I still am. There were so many questions tht I wanted to ask. U taught me to live my life doin the morally right. To hold the moral high ground so tht ppl look up and respect u. Tht by helpin ppl... when U were in need they will in turn help u back. And ppl will remember u for all the good deeds u had done.
Well dad, I blieve tht world tht u taught me is but juz a memory now. Its a complete reversal now. Ppl tht mistreats others, inflicting pain and hardship is often loved and remembered fondly. Livin a responsible free happy go lucky is wht ppl want nowadays. Gone are the days when the measure of a man is by the amnt of good deeds he had performed. No... now the measure of a man is by physical appearance and how he conn his way thru.
Now i no longer try to change the world dad. Now i no longer help ppl anymore. Even sum of these ppl tht I had named as my close frenz backstabbed me in the back... worse... i've been let down often by ppl tht I thought was my significant others in the past.
U knw wht makes me so sad dad? U knw wht I often saw in my minds eye if u were still alive? U would still be yelling at me for wht I am now. And I would then retaliate wif voice raised, makin u hurt even more. Look at me now... a far cry frm tht 11 year old boy tht U last saw before u closed ur eyes...
Even sadder knwing wht mum said was true... if U were still alive, a look at me now... all the terrible things tht I had done... u would wish tht u were indeed dead.
Mum sumtimes cry all alone in her room. Tht makes me hate myself even more. More often thn not.. it is becoz of my wrongdoings tht she shed tears. IF u were alive... would I hurt u tht much too? Guess I already did. Itz juz tht I cant see u anymore. All the more reason I hate myself. When tht happens... the more I loose myself into the darkness.
Then why do u do tht u would hav said. Becoz dad... when u r in the light too long, u blinded urself. I hav tried tht path once. It made me look down on these ppl. Ppl who are lost in the darkness are sumtimes real ppl wif shattered hopes and dreams.... they go into the darkness perhaps to find themselves again. Much like me. This is a cruel world dad. Happy endings like those dramas and movies are not real. They r stories trying to make sense... lost ppl who wished tht things would hav ended tht way.
More often thn not dad... life is a struggle tht many never rise again. I am not as strong as u dad. I'm not even half the man u are. Even after all these years.... ppl still respect and remember ur legacy dad.
Sumtimes I dream abt u dad. in tht dream, u are still alive and our family is together like the old days... picknicks and jln2 raya in the family van. Sumtimes I dream we rode together side by side... even fishin together. One of those father and son moments. But then I would wake up... followed by an unnamed sadness knwin itz juz a dream.
I really miss u dad. Sis is always doin the family proud. She's a successful daughter u hav always wanted. A good career... high qualification. I should be juz like her. But no... I am more like a disgrace to the family. I could never show this side of me to them dad. I do not knw why. They wouldnt believe it even if they see it.
All they saw dad, is an irresponsible and uncaring son. I do not let them see tht I'm missin u dad. Always thinkin of u when I am alone. Of findin ways on how I can redeem myself.
Perhaps u can see wht others cant see. Perhaps u can see tht I am still tryin to help ppl. Ppl tht truly deserves it. Perhaps u can see my hidden compassion and kindness. Perhaps u can see tht lil spark of hope in this dark tainted soul. Hahah.. tht's a very BIG perhaps.
I am weary dad. So tired. Its so hard this path I hav choosen. Its even harder to keep this family together. Everybody is driftin away now. Is tht one of ur greatest fear dad? Were u ever afraid tht U will fail as a husband or as a dad?
Coz I am afraid dad. Afraid tht I can never keep tht promise. Afraid tht I will fail as a responsible son. Afraid tht I will fail to redeem myself. I hav so much fear. Sumtimes I wonder if I can ever make u proud.
I really miss u dad. I wished u were here beside me.... givin me advice. I really miss those father and son moments while I was a boy. Remember we used to play badminton and cycle together? Hahah... even when we play monopoly perhaps u knw I let u win? OR when we play checkers u would ruthlessly let me loose and then taught me the winning moves? I even remembered how we gt our hands wif glue wif u tryin to help me assemble tht model toy jet fighter u gt for me on my 11th bday...
I really wished u were there to witness my prize presentation for my PSLE. But then u were already gone...
U knw dad... everytime I win during my silat tournament, I did tht for u. Remember when I 1st joined silat? I was so physically frail.... U've always been there to defend me frm bullies. Now... nobody dares to bully me anymore. And when I went to Sri Lanka in my relief efforts... I did tht to honour ur principles in life dad.... of helpin ppl truly in need.
I wished I could see u. Hug u one last time and tell u of how sorry I am. At least sis managed to treat u out for a nice dinner. Me? Hahah... all i could ever affort to treat u was a 20 cents ice cream. Its not much dad... but it was all tht I had. I wished tht I could be this guy tht u could be proud of. But rest well knwin tht I hav not forgotten u dad. Despite this path of darkness tht I walk, I still live my life wif an innate sense of honour. Still helpin ppl truly in the need and doin goodness tht not many can see.
Goodbye dad. I will visit u frm time to time. U r always in my prayers. U're the greatest dad a son could hav. And thts the reason why I'm still feeling the loss even after all these years. Rest in peace dad.