Chronicles of Shah

Hey dad.

2006 is drawin to an end. I am writing this now, imagining tht I am wrinting to you sumwhere out there, far away. Its been so long since u left us. Try as I might, there is always this terrible emptiness within me tht I cant xplain since u left. I knw back then tht U will never return. Nor can I ever speak to u again. There's so many things tht I wanted to ask you, so many things that I wanted to do.

Everytime, I see kids playin at the playground, it always remind me of u. Of our family back then. Life was so much simpler n happier back then. I was free, happy. More importantly, we were complete. You were always there as our protector. A guardian as it were.

I really appreciate our regular strolls in the mornin to buy the newspaper. I didnt understand why u could not juz buy the newspaper @ the shop below us. U always insisted we go further to the mama shop. I hated goin to tht place. We hav to pass by this area tht's full of bad boys who likes to bully and taunt me when I am alone.

But I hav nothing to fear when I am by ur side. I would often smirk n stick out my tongue at them, behind ur back of course dad. I knw they wouldnt dare to harm me when you are around. They are scared of you of course. I knw I am.

Strict n stern as u are... i find relative comfort with you dad. I knw I always give you trouble. You'd often come down to my primary skool to answer to my many teachers that I often giv trouble. Troublemaker I was @ skool. Stealin, bullyin n tormenting other kids. Ahakz... imagine tht. The bully who was bullied outside. Irony.

I thought I hated u everytime u discipline me. And I thought u hated me too. What do u expect dad? Which kid will think they are bein loved while bein locked in the store or 'lectured' at? Everytime I wanted sumthing(toys especially) u'd always say NO. So I guess I juz hav to acquire it via alternate means. I muz be damn stubborn kid.

But sumhow u never gav up on me do u dad? Even when I was bein sent to Pertapis for 'councilin' Always at the bottom of the class I was. But I am not stupid was I? I manage to scrape it to EM1. BUT was kick out again becoz of my mischief makin days. Another round of 'councilin' @ Pertapis. Sorry dad (",)

But u never giv up do u dad? Sumhow, miraclaously.. I became tht kid u've always wanted. I became a good boy. Maybe I was sleepin n sum angel spiked my Ovaltine wif good boy potion. I was attentive in class. Behaved myself. Study n did not or played truant for my Taman Bacaan tuitions. Last in class to 1st. LoL!

You always brought me out then. Got me my new bicyle. Gave me my computer game (microgenius) n gav me ur support in my fervor to join silat. To protect myself was wht I said. Secretly I was swearin veangeance on my tormentors.

I will always remember wht U said to mum tht nite after I went back frm a particularly bad encounter wif a bully, my pride more bruised than my body. You said that U wont be there forever to protect me.

You were there durin my 1st ever silat session. Watched frm outside the ring u did. And despite all the bruises n aches... u were always there as my silent support. I always feel assured whenever u r around. How could I be so blind back then? I became stronger. And I used my strength against you.

They say tht a hurtful word can be more painful than a punch or kick. I didnt punch or kick u dad. But my words muz be daggers to u.

For the 1st time, u didnt retaliate. U juz look at me, then walk away. I can remember it clearly. Always. If there is one thing I can do, is to go back in time to tht moment n stop myself. Id do tht. Id do that. But I cant, can I?

We luv soccer. We luv fishin. I mean u did dad, I only picked up fishin when U were gone. Actually, I would hav pick it up sooner. It was in my to do list wif dad for the future which I threw away. It was a pretty long list actually.

I wanted to treat u out like wht sis did. We ate at Zamani Seafood Restraunt remember? We had such a good time as a family there. It was my 1st ever seafood treat. Yours too. Sis paid for it... she treat u out on her 1st pay as a thank you to u.

Its funny why I felt jealous actually. Call it sibling rivalry. Always the competitive type I was. Always loathed bein outperform by sis. I wanted to treat u out too dad. But according to my calculations, if I'd were to save ten cents a day, it would be 1000 days before I can bring you n family out for dinner @ Zamani. That's too long. So the next day after skool, I dig out my pockets for sum loose change n hav 30 cents. I can buy three. One for you, One for mum and erm... one for sis? What about me? Its ok, I can eat ice cream sum other time. At least I didnt steal for a change. What's gotten into me? Since when did I put others before me? I muz hav been drinkin more spiked ovaltine.

I remembered as you stood there at the kitchen doorway, I told u that I hav a treat for the family too. You smiled when u saw the ice cream in the freezer. U turned to me and ask me why there's only three. I lied to you, sayin that I hav already eaten mine.

Bravo, I hav juz learned to lie for the greater good. For the 1st time in my life, seein u sit down in front of the tv eating the ice cream... i felt.. happy.

I wished I had more time wif you. You left wifout anyone to say goodbye. I dun really care abt goodbye really. What I wanted to say was sorry. I did manage to cross out another one to do list, it was to read the yassin to u. When U said u wanted to hear me recite the Quran, I thought it would be like sis. She was havin competition and u attended. I'd thought it would be like that.

I wiped my eyes as I planted that last goodbye kiss to ur forehead. I looked for that warmth when I held ur cold hands. Did I abandon u dad? I really didnt want to leave when they all left. After all, u didnt leave me when I was scared of the dark. U waited in my room when the lights go off till I fell asleep. I'm afraid of bein lonely dad. I wanted to stay there to keep u company like U've always done for me. It muz be really dark n lonely down there. I cant leave. I dun want to leave. But uncle says that if I were to always do my prayers n read doa for u, u will never be in the dark.

Its been so long dad. it never fails to evoke tears to my eyes everytime I think of u. No its not you who makes me sad. Its only myself.