"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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The (Perfect) Dream
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I was jolted frm slumber by one of my many perfect dream. Dreams... a cruel trick of the mind on reality, reminding me of my loss and the many possibilities of my life's choices. The wht if questions tht often plaqued my mind.
Its so cruel. Often this is the type of dream tht fills me wif longing and sadness. It made me sumtimes wonder if I am makin any progress of tryin to be a better person. Makes me wonder if I am but juz deludin myself tht I am one step closer to redemption.
Its so hard to knw if I am making the right choices in life. There is no one I can ask for directions, nor is there any road directions tht can lead me. Life's choices is not like when U r riding, a signboard showing rite and left or straight ahead to whenever u r heading, the where to or its final destination. Neither can U knw weather its a dead end or a U-turn.
I dreamed of fishin wif my dad. In tht dream... I dreamed tht the two of us in the family van going to my favourite fishin spot. I can hear his all too familiar voice and his warm smile. I miss tht so much.
Its so strange. I always knw tht its a dream. My heart screaming to wake up and snap out of this dream before I can disappoint myself. But I can't... though a part of me knws tht its not reality, but another part of me beggin to juz stay in tht dream for juz awhile longer...
And so we fixed the fishin rod together... my dad lookin at me as though waiting an invitation for me to fish together wif him...
"Apa ayah tunggu? Nah pakaila joran aiman yang lagi satu ni..." Aiman? Its been so long since I used tht name. Only my dad used to kol me tht when he was alive back then. With a chuckle he began assembling the rod and fixing the rig and bait... wht was even weirder was tht in tht dream I brought the same equipment for fishin in reality. The same twin rod.. the rig album and even the same spools.
We threw our line the same time... my dad challengin me who can throw the furthest... He won hands down and I laughed and teased tht its not fair as I'm using the shorter rod. Then both of us sat in silence waiting for the fish to bite... we sat down side by side... and I can feel tht familiar warmth tht I missed so much... I looked to my side to glance my dad... he smiled at me and noded back to my rod in a gesture tht said "Hey... look after ur own rod!"
And so I did... I mind givin up tryin to wake up frm tht pleasant dream and instead juz luxuriatin the moment tht I've always wanted all my life. "Ayah tau tak Aiman slalu nak panceng ngan ayah...?" I looked to my right as I said...
And he's gone. Poof... juz gone. Like he was never there in the 1st place. I called for him... again and again... the all too familiar sense of loss creepin up on me...
I woke up wif a start... kwning tht itz juz a dream. Always dreams. I sat up at the edge of bed... feeling all the loss and sadness. Its juz a dream. Itz juz a dream. A cruel trick of the mind on reality.
In a routine tht's so familiar these days... I reached out for my pack of cigs... tryin to banish the terrible pain at my spine and to steady nerves. Restless... wif sleep the last thing on my mind, I'm blogging this seeking solace and peace of mind, trying to find answers. Five stubs already down... yet the sadness refuse to go away. Restless... so restless.
The moon hidden behind rainclouds... Was tht really u in my dreams dad? Or juz my mind conjuring an image of u in my dreams to quench this sad longing soul? I really miss u dad...