Chronicles of Shah

The world is not devided between the good ppl & the bad...

As the wheel turns, propelling me further into the depth of the nite, juz as the seconds ticks by every moment of the day. The days go by, bringing me further from the past & with it, memories. The comforting darkness, riding wif my constant companion all these years. I can see clearly the dark road n its path. Symbolic like the journey of my life, all the bumps n obstacles that had cum my way.

The wheel is round, like the various stages of my life. I always luved riding in the nite. The cool nite air.. the sense of freedom. I can hear the wind & when I rise my faceplate, I can feel the cool nite air caressin my face. I am in control here, sumthing that I feel are rare moments of my life. In control of where I go and its final destination. The constant thrum of the engine loud in the dead of the nite.

So the wheel turns, bringin me further away.. away frm all my worries.Away from the constant pain of my loss & grief. All the fatigue and weariness disappeared and replaced by joy. Its like learning to ride my bicycle all over again, all those years ago.The joy of bein free.

Its always human nature to forget. But I do not know why, these past few weeks, certain things now comes back to me. Givin me answers to some of my questions.

Am I that bad? Why did I choose the path of darkness all those years ago?

I will always remember that nite. I also remembered the most significant question sumone asked me while I was on my relief efforts. What was sumthing in my life that made me change. That question made me pause & reflect. The answer did not came wif the speed of a snap of a finger. But rather, I was hit wif a torrent of images, like a damn waiting to burst its banks. Too many images flooding thru my mind.

My life is like a wheel. Goin thru its various turns.. rotating all the while... shades of light n darkness.. & also neutrality given substance thru my choices and the acts that I hav taken. But the sole question still remains... am I light masquering as darkness? Or I am indeed hav the heart of darkness juz masquering as light doin all the good things? Like a wolf in sheep's clothing?

So I asked myself.. when & why I embrace the darkness.

I was only eleven when he left us. It was a dark & turbulent times. Its really hard growing up wifout him. There were so many questions that I wanted to ask. I will always remember. Not that nite when he passed away, though the memory is still very vivid in my mind's eyes, but rather that rainy nite, when everything that he taught me tasted bitter like bile in my mouth. The bitter, burning anger raging like bonfire in my chest... my face burning wif shame and feeling betrayed. For what is life when u believed that everything that u hav been taught has been for naught? Every single principles of life crumbling to ashes around me? Its like loosing my own religion.

There are always bad, unscrupulous faceless mosnters out there juz waiting to pounce on the unwary n naive. People wif such malevolent n malice. Bustards. Burn in hell. I will always remember that nite. Perhaps this is the knowledge that had cost me. God spare me the knwledge that can kill a good man's soul.

The path of darkness, once I had despised wif all my heart n soul lay open to me. Beckoning and enticing me. What is the nature of betrayal, well, I cant put it into words. Juz remembering it always bring back the anger and hatred.

Bein ignorant and turning a blind eye is not sufficient. I will never be unprotected ever again. What better way to protect myself and my luved ones then bein the very person that I hav always hated? So I becum that darkness. To know their very thoughts n the methods that they use, employing the same treachery & deceit that they had used on countless others.

For awhile then, I luxuriate in the sense of power that it endowed me. I was free. Its like a motto to me, do to others before they do to me. It was so easy. For a time, I was so lost, that I forgot one thing.

Karma. Evrything hav its price. But my sojourn into the darkside giv me more questions than answers. I learned that these ppl are not purely darkness. I hav heard their recital wif more perfect clarity than sum other I taught as pure. They too hav their acts of kindness n goodness that they do away frm prying eyes and away frm public knowledge. What's their reason from their fall frm grace?

"I am a victim of circumstance" Is that the only reason? Who then is the culprit that made them fall frm grace? In my sojourn, I learned many things. That darkness is always inherint in every, human being. Juz waiting to brought forth wif juz the right methods to be used.

What makes me walk away frm that darkness? For awhile there... I forgot the reason why I becum that person that I hav always despised. Why I choose that path of darkness. I once thought there was where I belong, too much hatred n darkness in my heart that clouded my vision n judgement.

But then I paid a heavy price. Till now I asked myself if the price I had paid was worth it. Perhaps it is god's grand design that I cant see. Away frm prying eyes, I serve my own path to redemption as I see fit. The reason behind my madness. Perhaps there are other, less painful ways. I do not knw. But one thing that I do knw, a lesson is truly learned when purchased by pain.

I live my life masquering as darkness. After all, nothing is more painful than to do sumthing noble thru less than noble means. Let the end justify the means. Perhaps sumday, they will understand the reasons why. Perhap my family already did. To see the light, one muz be in the dark.

I will always remain vigilant to the marauding darkness that ever so constant juz waiting to pounce on the unwary n naive. I knw the mask that they wear. I knw their subtle, devious ways masked behind a veil of goodness. I was once them. I knw their thoughts & desires. I knw their unscrupulous methods. Never again will I fall victim or those of my loved ones. Never again. Not on my watch.

I let the world see what I want them to see. All the world can see is my darkside. But what their shortsightedness cant see, is the light that lay beneath the veiled darkness. That is how I screen my frenz & loved ones. Juz like a litmus test for alkali & acid. So few can see the real me underneath the mask of darkness. Juz the way that I wants it.

18:20
Shah

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Solitude
Tuesday, July 04, 2006

All the different lives..

The days gone by. A man is defined by the deeds that he had done. Or perhaps a man is defined by his past? Every one of us is shaped by the events that happened in our lives, like sumone once said to me, "I am a victim of circumstance"

Is it better to sail in the calm water? It is a question that I often ask myself in my solitude. My room is like superman's fortress of solitude, where I would sit in the darkness to reflect on my past n present.

It is here n now where I try to find peace, drawing strength from my faith to prepare myself to face the day of tomorrow. Day by day, I continue my never ending journey of finding the greater meaning of life. Not life as in juz merely for the sake of living, but tryin to make a difference, however big or small. One of my greatest fear is to live life like a machine, hollow, empty and void, juz livin for the sake of livin. Execute n run a programme.

I am a man defined n shaped by my turbulent past. Shades of light, darkness n grey. How far hav I gone? Everytime I think back, I keep remembering the words 'God spare me the knowledge that can kill a good man's soul'

Iz it better to expose one self to the harsh reality that many turn a blind eye? Or be a clueless sod livin life in denial? As always, I believe the answer lies sumwhere in between. Perhaps I hav gone too far deep that indeed I had becum bitter n unforgivin.

The many facets of life. I hav too much regrets, too much pain & loss. Though happiness is sumthing that is rare to me, it is all the reason why it is so precious to me, much more precious than diamonds n gold.

Perhaps I'm juz too critical or even harsh. But I knw the cold unforgivin truth that many often choose to ignore or turn a blind eye. I was like that once. But never again. But what is the price that I had paid? Is the knwledge worth its price?

DarKSidE. To see the light, one must be in the dark. At which point that I choose the path of darkness? Even in the darkest nite, the stars n the moon shines all the brighter. I muz always remember not to becum complacent against the lurking evil juz waiting to pounce on the unweary.

Always tired n fatigued. Too much on this weary mind. All I wanted now, is to be all alone in my room, cig in hand, the comforting darkness.. n I hope I will find peace & solace.

22:37
Shah

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