Chronicles of Shah

Ramadhan

They said the month of ramadhan is a month full of goodness n redemption. So they say. I often wonder why issit tht only ramadhan most ppl becum much better than usual. Or so I believe. Not all ppl it seems. Perhaps its true, tht if one soul is so tainted, that the internal light of the soul is forever extinguished, their heart forever closed to things that are good n right.

What about me then. Hav i not feel that there is sumthing missing in my heart? I used to remember, when I was seventeen, I went to Umrah before. Is is there I witness the magnificent beauty n awesum power of my faith in my religion. There, I feel so much alive. I knew I was treading in the footsteps of countless others before me. I can never forget the sense of humilty as I stood in the shadow of the ka'ba, facing it right before my very eyes as I performed my daily prayers. It is there... I feel at peace wif myself and the world.

I drank zamzam daily there. Its like drinking from an oasis after a long period of thirst. I could almost feel its rejuvenating coolness washing away all the tainted darkness in my body, purifying it. To be purified in soul. It is there that I tought I found it at long last. All the prayers that I perform, I can feel its depth... its connection.

Perhaps its true then, to be purified in soul, one muz banish all hatred within one's heart. I feel no hatred while I was there, all the burning anger was extinguished. There was no pain. No sense of loss. Only a certain longing to be part of the enlightened people, dedicating my life to the path of all things that are righteous n good.

But that was a long time ago. Though its so distant now.. I still carry its memories with me. How far hav I fallen from grace? I do not know.

Life is so brief, so fragile. No matter how strong a person, in the end, we all share the common fate. A friend of mine lay at TTSH HICU. Motorbike accident. Hit n run. He flew 20 meters away, degloving injury and fracture of leg n rib cage. No witness came forward. The police hav no leads. The saddest thing is? His dad passed away. His mother is no longer workin. And he hav two younger sibbling to support. And he lay there, separated from the rest of us by a transparent glass pane. His chest heaving, struggling to draw the next breath, as though the next one might be his last...

And so they say, life goes on. There is a better place out there. I know there is. I want to believe. A place where there is no pain and suffering. A place where there is honest joyful laughter... endless fields of flowers n butterflies and plentyful sunshine n warmth. A place called heaven.

I went to the pusara on sunday mornin. There I visited the final resting place of those that I cared, those who had touched my life but gone before me. I read the yassin to each n every one of them; I cleaned and trimmed the wild vegetations there and changed the white cloth. I closed my eyes after i finished recitin the yassin for them. I poured water over their tomb, and left their final resting place. As I approached my waiting ride, I look one last time over the vast open field. It is really peaceful here. Over here, I am neither shah darkside or whatever side.

I promise I will return on 1st syawal after my raya prayers. Not to mourn or grieve, but juz to pay my respects. I really miss u all... my prayers are always with you. I know its the only way for me to honour all the goodness that you hav done for me.

14:21
Shah

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When Its Time
Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Blood ran from many wounds...

I'm very weak when I see so much blood. That has always been my weakness. I hate when I see gore. Real gore, not those that we often see frm the movies. I'm no stranger to seein RTAs... heck, I work at ED and I see bleedin ppl often.. once I even encountered a finger in a plastic bag of ice.

I hate bein reminded of mortality. Its so easy to ignore that fact when I am ridin @ high speed on the road. Often I muse that we are gambling everyday. Gambling with our lives against all the probability that could happen that might take our life away.

Take my last accident for example. I was juz negotiating a bend at speed of around 40km/h when the next thing I knw I was already sliding on the asphalt, my bike sliding away frm me to crash on the other side of the curb. The reason why? I didnt see ther was spillage of engine oil on the road. Totally unforseen and unexpected. Blood ran from the palm of my hand as I had stopped my sliding using my left hand. My khaki pants was also soaked in blood frm my pelvis... nice. The nicest thing was that ALL the pedestrians juz use their eyepower to giv me moral support as i limped to the other side of the road, use my bloodied hand and heaved my heavy bike up and THEN push it slowly to the side of the road. Thx pedestrians for ur silent 'support'.

I once remembered witnessin an RTA otw to send Maya home. It was quite bad really, the rider was totally unconscious and the front portion of his bike was scrap. After I dropped her off, I return back to the scene, intent to giv what aid I could. By then a small crowd was there, most doin nothin. I enquired the driver nearest to the victim and said that the SCDF was otw. True enought I could see the flashin lights of red n white from a distance. There wasnt much I could do, and rather than juz crowd around lookin good, I left the scene.

I hav cum across many RTAs as a rider. Once on the SLE I saw debris of parts of a bike and true enough I found the rider sitting halfway up lookin at the sky wif a stunned/unbelieving look on his face with the main wreckage of his bike just a short dist away, the lane slicked wif his blood! There were already other motorists on the road who hav dismounted to render wht aid they could giv. Me? I dismounted too... coz I was severely rattled by the blood smeared road! LoL!

Its always easy to forget how fragile life is. I am one of them. But then again, if I were to play it safe.. afraid that I might loose my life due to sum catastrophe or mishap outside, then I might as well be dead. What is life then if I were to be ensconsed in the safety of my own home? Isnt life abt takin risks n in apprecietin life by livin ur life to the fullest?

I went to Downtown wild wild wet a couple of days back wif Maya, Imah n Boboy. Boboy n me were the 1st one to try all all the most 'xtreme' rides. Why? Coz we luv facing the fear n then get away with it. Slide up was an example... we were eager, yes. But once we went thru it once, we were shaken but laughing our heart out. The ladies were more reluctant, but we finally able to coax them by offering to go again with them this time. Maya was much braver than I thought... Imah was still in doubt even when at the peak of the beginning of Slide Up.

So life goes on, they say. I always believe in balancing hard werk wif equally lotsa fun. And that day was definately one of them. With ramadhan fast approaching, i prepare myself. This sat, I will go to the pusara to do sum general maintenance of all those who hav gone before me.

When my time to go comes, then its my time to go. Fearin and worryin for sumthing that might/might not happen is not worth it. So I juz live my life the way I see fit.

17:14
Shah

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Rendezvous
Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Tired...

I've been sayin that alot lately. I'm always tired n fatigued. But sumhow.. I can only feel all the weariness n fatigue when I am all alone in my room. Its strange really.. when I'm outside wif my luved ones or headin for werk, all the fatigue n weariness vanish. I feel strong and energetic. I rarely sleep at night, sumtimes even in the day. But on the days when I laze at home, I could sleep for more than 12 hours but the fatigue is always there, all the aches & pains. Am I a man, driven by my responsibilities? The reasons n cause of my drivin force... putting all my fatigue aside, only to hav it cum back in full force when I am idle?

I finally gav my bike a thorough wash n polish yesterday, fine tuning it here n there. After all, I had a 'minor' mishap quite sumtime back. My bike is almost OK... i juz need to ensure if indeed my engine oil hav a gradual leakage. As always, after I'm done washin her, she came under my close, scrutinizing eye. Granted she is still shiny n genereally look like brand new (chrome bikes are a real pain in the ass to keep it that way) there are still sum minor rustin here n there at those hard to reach places. She also hav a good deal of scars juz like her owner. The most prominet at the tip of the xhaust pipe n the front fork.

As always.. I am very fond of her. I will always remember the day I walked into that bike shop more than three years ago. I could almost feel drawn to her... as though she was lookin at me wif the words 'I'm made for u' scrawled all over her. I hav my 2A for two years now, yet I still could not let her go for a bigger n better bike. She had served me faithfully for all these years.

Hahha.. there's sumthing abt her that's unique. That sets her apart from other bike of the same model wif her. All my frenz knw her trademark sound. As Maya often point out.. they can know its ME cumin from afar...haha!

Ramadhan is comin. Time really flies. What's new huh? As always, there same age old theme. What to make for kuih raya.. wht kurong to wear. I dun normally bother to buy new kurongs. My old ones still as good as new n i dun see the point of squandering money buyin new ones. Well, ok, maybe this year i'd juz get a pair juz for u ;)

Perhaps, this raya might be a lil diff. After all, my family is back together again aint it? Well.. yeah. But I still hav sum things that I hav to settle for my mum regarding the treatments. N her condition is like a roller coaster ride... perfectly fine one moment and that take a steep downward plunge n than up again. She still neds to go for her treatments n check up every once in awhile.

You know... I always let my fren know that I dun look forward to fasting n terawih. But truth be told.. I longed for ramadhan. It is one of my big ticket to my redemption. I always go terawih alone. It is ther, I feel all the layers of darkness bein shed. A month of goodness. Also a month of extreme test my patience! LoL!

Pandora's Box. It is true that when that box was opened, all the darkness fled from it, but also, from that darkness... also came hope.

13:54
Shah

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Time After Time
Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I watched the stars that littered the night sky.

I always luved that moment. My fishin rod casted out into the open sea, I would often lie down to gaze the moonlit sky, listenin to the peace n tranquil. It is here, I am often at peace wif myself and the world around me. I so admired the twilight beauty. Here, away from the artificial lights of the city, lay a different type of beauty. One that I constantly admire and to remind myself... if the world now is this beautiful.. hw'd paradise would be like?

We did not catch any fish yesterday nite, Boboy n me. The wind was strong, the sea too restless. So we juz let our rods be in their respective holder n juz settle back to juz admire the surrounding ambience n enjoy our ciggs n conversations.

So we talked abt relationship. After all, Boboy is already in his 1st year engagement. The majority of my frenz are gettin into relationships... marriage, engagement n stuffs. Its tough bein engaged. For me... i always believe that no mattter how much u luved that person... there muz always be sum time spent apart. Time spent juz bein for myself... doin my own thing and being left alone. I mean... i'd sure suffocate if I were to juz sms 'I'm goin to werk now' 'I'm havin dinner now' ' I juz woke up n goin to have a shower'

You see, both their relationship hav been on the rocks lately. Its funny... when things started out it is always sweet n seems nothing can go wrong. There is always honesty n most importantly... love. But the test of time is the greatest test of all. With time... we always forget the reason why we came to luv that person in the 1st place.

So I juz listened to his grief without handing out any advice at all. It is not my place, and i no longer wished to get involved. Like I said.. i now no longer try to change the world. Juz merely try to live by it. After all, he didnt ask for my advice. That's my policy now. Not to help unless specifically for help. I'm a selfish bastard? Neh, its more of self preservation.

So he drifted off to sleep while I continued my gaze at the stars. Always thinking. Mum's health already started to decline, I thought she was makin admirable recovery. Well, I thought wrong. There is always sumthing that would take my new found happiness. That was what I found out when I accompanied mum for her appointment at NCC yesterday. As always, i take it all in stride.. there will always be time to feel later.

I'm tired.

22:59
Shah

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The Guardian Devil
Thursday, September 07, 2006

I really wanted to smile, I so wanted to be happy... what I lack, is the reason and sincerity. Perhaps, as time goes by, I will also lack the capacity.

There's a terrible emptiness in me... for so long I tried to banish that emptiness. i tried various ways n means. Everytime I thought i've find succcess, it always comes back. What is this emptiness? Could it be overwhelming sadness that my heart simply numbed it to protect myself, both physically n mentally?

No matter what I do... its always a step forward, two steps back.

Good deeds will only lead to more evil. It seems every good things that I do, sumthing always happens that will lead back to my dark tainted past. Its always easier to believe in sumthing bad rather than good. Sumhow, it always seems that my past precedes me. Always. i'm tired.. so tired. What's the use of me turnin over a new leaf if i were to always be remembered for all my worngdoing?

The only way for wrongdoin and suffering to spread is when good ppl do nothing.

I never do good to be remembered or talked about. All I wanted is juz to honour those who had gone before me... as well as trying to find my way back home.

Home. Home was when I was still a child all those years ago. I am a selfsh. I dun want to grow up. I want my family back.. a time when things are so much simpler n in black n white. There's no shades of grey.

Bein happy. And so I watched the children play. Their heartfelt laughter. Their happiness. And I can only remember back to the times when things were so, so much simpler then. Ignorence is bliss then.

And so, as always, I fast forward the years, recounting all the events that had shaped n defined me. Ignorence is not bliss, and like or not, there's such a thing called responsibilities and that no matter how long and how fast I run or turn a blind eye, there's always the piper I hav to pay.

And so I stopped running, took a deep breath and paid back the debt that I owed, with bloody intrests to pay.

My post trauma beliefs. How sad is that? Where do I begin to justify my actions? How could one even begin to comprehend when I myself find it so hard to express it in words. Words can only describe, not impart the feelings behind it.

Death. Look up in the dictionary. Betrayal. Again look up the dictionary. Happiness.. I can understand it... but how does it feel actually? How painful is my pain? How sad is my sadness? How much hate is my hatred?

Who then, can feel the depth of my emotion? How then can I justify the reasons why?

If my life is a movie... it has no genre. The world is a stage.. n all the ppl around me are the players. We all wear masks.. sum dont. Sum wear their emotions on their sleaves, sum dont. N how do u knw if that person's real character is underneath that mask? What if the person's real self IS the mask? Contradictons?

I willl always remember what sis told me. In life... even though I hated sumthing so much, but if its my responsilbility, I hav to do it. Coz if I dont, who else will? And so the wheel turns... bringing me further into the depth of the nite...

07:45
Shah

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Departure
Sunday, September 03, 2006

Can the silence be any deeper? Can there be a blacker nite?

Have you ever watched kids playing? I hav forgotten how it feels like to be like them running wild n carefree. Is that the thing of growing up then? Forgetting how to hav fun n being happy? The children's laughter... their smiles and innocence. Finding joy whatever they do, whenever and wherever they are.

The Lightside... compassion, empathy, courtesy, humility, happiness, religious, kindness n filial piety. All the things that are goodly. The Darkside... averice, greed, jealousy, hatred, sadistic, self centered, carnal pleasures n evil. All the things that causes pain and suffering. Everything that is wrong.

Words... i often struggled to find the right words to do justice to my feelins. I would often stare for long moments at the monitor, as a jumble of images n feelins ran amok in me. Sumtimes I would shut the monitor in frustrations, n look outisde my window in the darkness...

I am Shah. Shah DarKSidE. Whatever side. Sumtimes I feel like juz running away, abandoning all my beliefs n everything n juz let eveything as it is. But my sense of responsibilities.. as well as my care n concern for my loved ones would turn me back. Always, tht small voice... my conscience doin its duty, keepin the darkness at bay.

For how long can I run?

I am an enigma. Sum would call me a sadly confused adult. Others say they hav never met a more confident person whose full of wisdom. Sum would say I am a wolf in sheep clothing... a do gooder with a hidden agenda. While sum would say I am naive n guillible.

Which side of the equation I am?

No one can understand what I hav been through. The ordeals that I had endured. God spare me the knowledge that can kill a good soul. I heard that many times in my head. My post taruma beliefs. Of course it all sounds simple. Words are always simple. Easier said than done.

But for the person who goes thru it... one can only imagine the horrors and pains that was inflicted. The torment. The regret. And of course... the all consuming hatred.

How I wished I can write happy things. How I wished I am genuinely HAPPY juz like those kids on the playground. Its all about choices isnt it? Self help books and those happy go lucky ppl always said "You are happy IF you CHOOSE to be HAPPY"

Newflash pal... either you are one of those fortunately ppl whose everything juz rosy n peachy or naive n deluded, blinded by the happiness around you or juz plain clueless.

Sigh.. enuf hatred. There's juz too much hatred in this world. I no longer try to change the world. Juz merely try to get by it.

Outside.. I am happy. I walk the fine line between light n darkness. Those who knew me outside, they'd describe shah as a guy with an infectious laughter, kid like antics, kind n compassionate. When left to myself, away from prying eyes...that laughter n smile faded away...

Its never easy saying goodbye. Sum goodbye is forever.. while sum goodbye is only for a moment. My life has always been full of loss. Its the hardest thing to say goodbye, but experience had taught me how to endure the loss. Just suck it up n move on... try not to dwell on it. But, every now n then, i let my emotional barriers down to feel its pain n its loss. To grieve, to remember and to honour their contributions to my life's journey.

Goodbye my fren. You dubbed me Mr Crayon. I will always remember that endearing nick. And I dubbed u faith. Perhaps sumday... you too will realize the methods behind my madness. Of its necessity and the underlying reasons why. If not.. well... there's always hatred rampant in this world. Does it matter if one more is added?

00:31
Shah

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