Its been awhile.
So much things can happen in such a short period of time. Time. I've always said tht time is a luxury tht i do not hav. Here I am now. Its been like almost a month that I hav not updated my entry. Its not tht i've been procastinating. Aside frm the fact tht my computer was down, I had to contend with a host of problems that I've taken my time away from the world to do sum serius thinking.
What is frienship? I used to hav that answer. Sure, I've heard many versions in my lifetime. Tell me sumthing that I do not knw. Spare me the PRs. Perhaps there is as my different versions of frienship as there are ppl. Perhaps there are frenz for only havin fun. Friends for only sharing ur problems as well as friends for certain things. Example, shah is a fren to look for when in financial difficulty, or shah is also a friend to look for when in need of transportation. That friend is to look for abt enquiries abt school courses. Or another friend to look for to hav a good time.
Things are changing. I can hear it in the winds of change. Those frenz closest to me settling down, gettin into engagements and gettin married. I am happy for them. I used ti shudder at the thought of engagements and marriage. I am not one who likes to be bogged down by resposibilities. But as always, things change with time, myself along with them.
Love and frienship, which comes 1st? Friends 1st then lovers? Or frm lovers then friends? Love at 1st sight. There are as my different kinds of luvs as there is friendship. If u r in a love relationship, who would u prioritize 1st? Ur own significant other? Or your own lifelong friend?
All my life I hav been thru tht dilemma as well as a victim of one. I've heard myriad answers. Each answers begging even more questions.
And so the story of my life goes on.. life is like a wheel spinning on the road, each revolution bringin me further into this journey tht i call my life. Life is a journey, not a destination.
This is where i would end my entry. But not tonite. I often would ask a question to myself, then close the book now with hopes that with time, I will understand tht question and find an answer. Time heals all wounds, and I believe that time will provide me an answer too.
So i ask myself now... what is friendship? Here is MY answer.
Friendship is sumthing sacred. I'd say friendship is abt trust n honesty yadda yadda yadda. That's what we always read and hear abt on chain emails n self help book.
True friendship is abt knwing ur fren. Knwing abt a person's strength and weakness. From this point, if u think u can accept a person's stengths and shortcumings, is it here u cull a person to either an aquintance, or a friend that u'll help thru thick and thins. It is this crucial stage that i choose how far I can place my trust in tht person. By knwin their traits, i can tailor my dealin wif that person accordingly.
Friendship is like an investment. If I feel that a person hav values that I can cultivate wif time, i'd pump more effort to assist and hav a good time wif that person, makin the friendship grow. If there are signs of decline n change for the worse, then its time to cut my losses and pull myself away before the infection grows and infect me.
The cursor blinks at me, like a hungry child expecting to be fed wif more food. I look at it for long moments as I struggle to bring my jumble of thoughts thats running amok in my mind into sumthing more coherent.
Its always the same thing. Hw can I put into words the emotion of loss? How much pain is my pain that I can make a person feel my pain and understand the loss tht I hav been thru? Why would I want to share my pain? To justify to my frenz my methods and thinking... and to what end?
For me... i hav loss sumone who used to be very close to me. Its not the 1st time. Neither will it be the last. I no longer try to salvage any frenships. It is not for the reason that I hav becum bitter. It is the simple universal truth. I can't make a deaf person listen or a blind man see. It not because the lack of effort. God knws I hav tried. There is a fine line between grim determination and fooldhardy efforts. I hav tried. It is time I cut my losses. There are always more deserving recipients of my friendship.
The end of the year draws steadily nearer. When a year end, so starts a new chapter of my life. Perhaps that is for another entry, for another day. For now though, I will remember the good time that I used to hav my fren. All the belly aching laughter and the times I had been there when he needed me. Sum ppl say it is not the things that change, juz ourselves. I'd say the truth is always sumwher in the middle.
