"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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Right Before Your Eyes, Tell Me What You See
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Good deeds never always produce good karma.
Juz because I turned my back on the darkness does not mean I am protected frm it. I used to believe that one good deed deserves another. So I believed, once, a long time ago. I believed in it again, only recently. Or so I thought.
I was Shah DarKSidE. Emphasis on the word was. Maya made me believe that it was not my past that mattered... only what I do now that defines me. Sumtimes it is easy to believe. In my better days, sumtimes in my dreams... I am that man. I hav this illusion that I can turn my back on the things that I hav done and atone for it.
No good deeds goes unpunished.
Is this another test? Another test on my principles, beliefs and faith? How much longer am I to be tested before it ends? How long before I can finally have my happily ever after? A decade? A decade after the next?
I am at an impasse now. The darkness within snickered and sneered at all the good things that I hav done. I go everywhere believin that every hand raised in hatred at me. Where is that fine line between the light and the dark that I hav been raving about? Hopelessly blurred. Perhaps it was foolish of me to think that I can tread both worlds.
They say god always tests us our resolve; how firm our beliefs, principles and faith. Hav I made a difference? It is not sumthing I can see. It is not sumthing tangible that I can hold on to. Many times I did acts of kindness that not many can see. I want to believe that the almighty can see that. My right hand book is heavy... but that is what I want to believe.
How long hav i waited for that turnin point of my life? Last year? This year? Next year? Everytime I thought my life is going sumwhere, it always ended where it started in the 1st place. Nowhere.
I thought I could quit. I thought if I lived my life doin nothin but good, goodness will sumhow find its way back to me.
It is so disappointing, sad and what else can i describe? When I do sumthing good in accordance to my beliefs and principles, only to hav it turn back and bite me. It could be worse i guess. Any moment now. Another test of my principles and beliefs then?
How ironic. IF I were to choose the easy way... it would not hav turn out this way. Is this how it should turn out when I did the RIGHT thing?
I do not like feelin this way. So I turned away frm that feelin. Feelin of betrayal and doubt. Betrayal of my beliefs. Doubts of my principles. As I turned those feelins away, sumthing surged to fill in that void.
How long can a man fight the darkness, without succumbin to it?
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Sarcasm
Monday, June 11, 2007
Its really gettin harder and harder for me...
I work in one of the busiest hospital in Singapore. I try not to blog abt my job. Its bad enough tht I hav to go to tht plc almost every day. Sumtimes my job haunts me even in my dreams. Hw'd often i'd mumble abt my job in my slumber, only to jolt myself to reality, realizin tht its only a dream? I've lost tracked the number of times I scrambled out of my bed thinkin tht I was late for werk only to realize tht its only like 3 or 4am?
Or to see the long, long que waiting for me? Only to open my eyes and see my ceilin and my fan? Its really gettin into me.
If I really hated tht plc, why dont juz leave? I had indeed sent my resignation letter once, but was turned down. There were times when I'd rather be a simple pizza delivery guy rather than werk in tht chaos.
Wats so bad abt my job really? Where do i begin? Do i start the problems alphabetically or chonologically? Hah! Lotsa ppl cum and go. We'd often make bets when a newcomer comes in. Hw long do u reckon tht person lasts? Ten bucks for a week? Hw bout a twenty and i'll giv him a month. Neh... i'd throw in 50 for 3 months. In the end, no one wins the bet. Why? Coz tht person quit after only 3 days. LoL!
There are really alot of things tht can be improved. Unfortunately, who am I to suggest changes here and there when I only hav a year of experience there under my belt? The werk area is really not user friendly. I mean, I get to do regular stretching excercises everytime I assist my colleague with their werk. After all, the printer and the folders are placed for easy to reach my colleague.. well away from me tht is. Did i tell u tht I hav regular footwerk when i'm werkin as well? See, my werkplc does not encourage a person to sit still. I had to play detective with the doctors, nurses and yeah, the bloody patients and their relatives.
Even the fittest and strongest person do fall sick from time to time. In a competetive world, companies are minimisin expenses and maximisin profits. They emphasize on efficiency, which means gettin the most amount of werk done wif minimal staffs. Sounds ideal whn u r the topman lookin down. Its the one below tht feels the pinch. Doin a two person's job is ideal. Do a three person's job and u r fandamntastic.
The end result? Burnout. Physically and mentally xhausted. Sure I can recover frm tht, gimme enuf time. But wait? Wht's tht? A repeat rerun tomorrow? And the day after tomrow? And the day after tht? No problem... i think i need to see a doctor!
Wht's tht u said? No nite shifts if on mc? Why? Oh i see... am still weak and recoverin frm sickness. Cant do nite coz it mite bring back a relapse. But i guess its ok to still werk AM and PM eh? Wht stange logic is tht?
So ok... I'll go on self medication thn. Panadols... Woods Cough syrup... maybe I'll eat sum of my sis or my mum's medication as well and cum to werk drowsy, wheezin and sneezin. I mean after all, I werk in a place full of SICK ppl rite? Wht's the harm givin and receivin germs? Share the joy, so they said.
Wht so great abt my werk? I luv my werk. I luuv the wonderful pay tht they r givin me. Did i mention tht they are givin me a 4 digit pay? Woohoo! I hav VERY flexible werkin hours! Why? Coz I can SPLIT my offs day without my knwlegde. My werk never bores me. Full of surprises! Like answerin unpredictable phonecalls @ totally unexpected hours! My phone rarely rings before I cum to this plc, didn't u knw?
I remembered... when I 1st came to this plc was to keep an eye on my mum. To convince her to leave. When she resigned, i thought it was time to leave as well. Now tht am goin to further my studs again, this time in the field of medicine... mum and sis still wants me to stay.
I'll see how it goes. If my appraisal is not favorable, then tht full time pizza delivery job really lookin good to me.