Chronicles of Shah

My name is Shah.

So I keep repeating tht name to myself. I held the letter in my hand, feelin all the hope slowly crumble like hot ambers turnin to dust, and the breeze scatter the ashes. I am an optimist. I hav dreams. Rarely do I give voice to my dreams. When my dreams shatter, I feel the pain of its loss to the deepest core of my soul.

I had many dreams. Every year, I witness every dream tht I hav fade. Crushed. Sumtimes its put on hold. Sumtimes I forget myself to dream. Am tired of loosin tht dream. Its like I am out in the cold, and I lit a small, flickerin fire to warm myself. Yet the elements continue to extinguish tht warmth and I desperately try to keep it alive. Everytime tht fire dies, bitter coldness creeps in. And I keep relighting tht fire and protect it, time and time again.

Is this then, my long awaited retribution. What is the price of redemption? What must I do to the right a great wrong?

I asked myself tht. There never was an answer to tht question. Only an echo of myself askin tht question in my head. Shah always find answers in his life's experiece. But only this question yet remains.

What is the price behind my redemption? What is the sacrifice tht I hav to make? Do I lack the determination? All I ask is just one opportunity to prove myself. Or issit perhaps I lack the purity of soul?

I am tired. No amount of rest can refresh me. I hav forgotten when I started on this journey to redeem myself. Always, I nursed this small hope within me, tht my life is goin sumwhere. That I still hav sumthing. Perhaps I hav.. the question is.. Am I worthy?

How can i desribe my pain? How can I desribe my sadness? Alone I am sad. There's so many things that am sad about. Where do I begin?

But a small part of me... the responsible part of me. The one tht I've made a promise a long time ago. Wouldnt let myself giv up and walk away. Where can I walk to? Where can I run to? Sumtimes I try to find solace in the memory of all those who had gone before and their teachings. The list is long. Do I do them honour?

Hope floats. Here I am now, sinking into despair. Yet... I still struggle sumhow, against tht despair. Against my sadness. Against my pain.

Dad... I knw. I desperately want to believe. Sumday I will walk down tht road again. This time, when U hold out your hand to welcum me back home, I will face u wif a smile on my face and hug u forever more, and say tht i've kept my promise.

I do this, not because I'm forced to or I had to. I do this... because I wanted to. Because despite the path of hatred tht I used to walk, I realized tht I still care. My soul is very much intact.

For now though... I still hold tht letter in my hand. I allow myself to feel the loss. All the despair and hopeless and sadness. I hav always known tht there's more than one road to a dream. And I will find tht road. One way or another. It is just a question of when.

02:28
Shah

(0) comments

Stairway To Heaven
Saturday, February 03, 2007

Ive reached this stage in my life that will determine the rest of my life.

I've always known that I will reach this point in my life where the darkness ends and the light begins. Years ago, when I embrace the darkside, I promised myself tht wif time, I will emerge frm the suffocating darkness. Either tht, or totally succumb to it. I do not knw. It was not sumthing thats plan in the story of my life. Heck, there was no script, I make it as I go along. Whose line issit anyway?

If my life was a story, then it will hav all the colours of the rainbow.. yet with each passing moment, the colours started to fade, leaving only the black and white. In the end thought, there was only one colour, that was grey.

Sumtimes I try to sum the story of my life. From my sweet blisfull childhood to the torment that I feel in my teens, and the inner turmoils and uncertainties in my early years of adulthood. Lookin back like I always did, I was amazed that my soul still remained very much intact. Battered, though I had paid a heavy price, I remind myself... wht choice did i have?

What is my anchor in the maelstrom of the most terrible storm? Faith? Hatred? Luv? Perhaps all, perhaps none of the above. But perhaps it was the memory of those who had gone before me. The strongest of them all, was always my beloved dad. But even the strongerst of it all still crumbled to dust.. just like a stone to dust when exposed to the most harshest of elements.

Yeah. I remembered that stage of my life. Numb... a walkin shell of myself, devoid of all emotion. I cant feel pain, though I knw I was in pain, i just feel disconnected frm it. Initially, I thought that was a blessin. To be disconnected frm pain. The pains of my loss. The pains of my sadness. The pain of emptiness. Perhaps I hav experienced a different kind of pain. The loss of empathy. The most enduring and deep cuttin wound of them all.

Wifout pain, then I was already dead. I was already dead inside. For a time at least.

When I finally allowed myself to feel the pain, it was long overdue. The piper had a big grin on his face that day as he watched me writhe and thrash in agony and my tears. I experience a different emotion then. With the return of my emotions, I feel... regret. With that came another epiphany, that answered one of my life long question. What can change the nature of a person.... and the answer that I found was simple. Regret.

With that regret I found a whole new source of strength. A strength to look for redemption. To make amendments for the mistakes that I hav done. To atone for my sins. But like all things in life, the greater the redemption, the harder it is to achieve. The greater the struggle.

But there are also many things constant in my life. The search for inner peace. In seach of sumthing to banish the terrible emptiness thats like a bottomless pit in the void of my heart. There is an unnamed sadness that I can never describe. it is always there. Everytime I see my mother struggle when she do her prayers. Or when I realize juz how old my mum is frm time to time. Or perhaps the sacrifices that both my mum n sis made while I was juz but a boy still struggling to find the answers that was suddlenly thrust into him.

Perhaps there lies my greatest sadness. While they struggle to be the shield that protect me in the void that was created with my dad's departure, wht did I do? I chipped away frm that shield. I embraced the very darkness they desperately sought to protect me frm.

What choice do I have?

No one could understand the reason why. No one was there while I stood all alone that nite like a guy loosing his religion. When every principle that I believed and stood for turn against me. The pains from my bruises, cuts n injuries nothin compared to one of the most profound pain of them all. I may hav won this fight. My martial trainin assured me that. But like the sayin goes, I may hav won the battle, but lost the war. Dramatic? Not really.

I realized then martial perfection was not the only answer. I left that past behind me, like a butterfly leavin its chrysylis behind. I adapoted the nick DarKSidE. Symbolic of my hatred and all its dark trappins. I realized then that there was only one remainin option. A neccesary evil. I will be that darkness and use it against those who wields like a tool exploitin and manipulatin it. Learned I had, though the price was not measured in monetary terms.

Many names had I been called. Tarnished and whispered behind my back. No one could understand, only I only knws that it was sumthing that I had to do. Let them hate me, spite me. Let them avoid me like a plague carrier or a pariah. what do they knw? They r not in my shoes. Lost that i was in the man made hell that I've created for myself, I never lost sight of the reasons why. Away frm it all, @ times when I'm all alone at my fav place of peace, I ask myself... do I them, all those who had gone before me, honour?

25. Its like a magic number to me. 21 its still like trial membership. 22 its like still settling in. 23 and its like its gona end soon. 24 and i procastinate. But 24 was the catalyst. Many things happened while I was 24. And 25 IS the time to set things rite.

While the rest of the world celebrated new, I brooded all alone in my room while the rest prepare to welcum new year. Yes I played fireworks. I movie marathoned. But when my birtday came, it was indeed to set things in motion. The ultimate sacrifice and the long, hard road of redemption.

I shed the nick darkside. It was sumthing that I had to part. Indeed, the darkside in me snickered n sneered, knwing full well its juz so easy to slide back into it. I could almost here it laugh maniacally in me when I returned to my prayers and to the .. mosque.

Difficult it is. I brought many open episodes of my tormented past to a close this 2007. Its time to finish what I started a long time ago. I faced the ghost of my pasts, however painful it maybe. I am not alone. I am Shah. Thank you, for all that u hav done for me.

23:40
Shah

(0) comments

Sea Of Lost Souls
Thursday, February 01, 2007

I gaze for long moments at the dark wide open sea.

I tried to clear my mind, simply enjoy the moment. Its cold, even with my jacket on. I am at peace here, comfortable, hidden in the darkness. Moments such as these were rare in my life. Even then, as comfortable as I was there, I look into the distant darkness and thought back of my life then and now. Always living in the moment. Remember the past, feel the moment, think of the future.

I had walked the dark path once before. Though it taught me much, it cums wif a heavy price. Was that price worth it? Was it justified?

i remembered back all the things that had happened. Where do i even begin? Friends cum n go. Sum loss aere juz so profound and the wounds runs deeper than the naked eye can see. There so many things that I juz cant forget. Perhaps my subconscious mind wont allow myself to forget.

Ahh.. redemption. The piper always a step ahead for me. There is sumthing for me to do. Sumthing that I have to do. It is sumthing that I hav always wanted. But I knw, like I've always said... there is always a price behind that dream.

What is my dream? What is this man that I've always envisioned myself to be? I am 25 now. 18 was the age that drastically altered my life. Where did the darkness ends and the light begins?

So I walked down that deserted corridor. I rode down that peaceful place where the departed rest. Which is more painful? The pains of the heart or the pain of the wound? Which is more braver? Facing my own mistake and the means to rectify it? Or to admit that I am indeed weak?

The thing that I hated most of all. And what is the ultimate sacrifice? Is it acceptable for me to even claim that I walked down the path of darkness for redemption?

Bullshit! Denial is typical of human reaction. And so we made ourselves convenient excuse to justify the reason behind our very action.

Shah have a dream. But shah can only dream that dream. I keep it close to my heart where coldness can never reach. It is that dream that keeps my heart warm when the rest of my body feels coldness' embrace... so shah claims that to be.

Shield of Lies. Armour of denial. I knw what muz be done in the times ahead. For so long hav I stayed in the blackness of nite, that the light hurts my eyes. Dawn and dusk is juz but a few minutes, but its beauty, burns eternally.

05:39
Shah

(0) comments