Chronicles of Shah

There is a sense of loss in the air. Is it true tht good ppl always leave 1st? I so hated tht word. Perhaps it is meant to be a condolence. Its like "Hey.. he passed away coz he's a good man. God luvs him so much."
Two passing wihin less than a month from another. One before ramadhan, the other juz a week after raya.
My mentor's dad passed away. Heart attack. As always, I can see the deep sorrow in his eyes. But there were no tears... but I do knw, tht he is torn up inside.
And as always, it always brings back memories. As i sit outside the house wif my mentor and bro, smoking and sippin cold coffee, he shared wif us the things tht he hav to do... of the heavy responsibilities tht hav dropped on his shoulders. I kept mostly to myself. It is not tht I do not care... but I do knw... for me... words are only so much. One can never begin to describe the sense of loss and sorrow. Actions speaks louder than words... but one thing tht I do knw, tht I will help him if I can help and when needed.
Trust. Countless times I hav place my trust in others. Yes.. I do find tht article eye opening... even true. But when I look closely, yeah it is indeed hard to trust when it is always broken. Trust and promise. These things always cum hand in hand.
Ppl always change. Yeah, I do knw tht. Change is always constant. But I sumtimes do wonder... hav my presence ever changed the lives of others? For better or for worse? I find it very sad sumtimes, when a long lost fren is found only to find tht they they hav changed... often for the worse.
Then the wht IFs cums into play. If I was there beside tht person everystep of the way... would tht person be wht tht person is now? If I had kept my promise to my dad 12 years ago... would he be alive rite now? There is so many ifs.
Shah... I am only human. I am not superman. I can't be everywher at once, trying to make a difference 24/7. I too hav my crisis of faith. I too stumble and fall. I bleed and I heal... again and again. And I do tire.
But yes... it is indeed sad to see changes. Changes tht sumtimes affect the bond of frenships. "My xperience in life forces me to change..." Is there any sadder words to tht?
Was tht wht my mentor was tryin to ask me? tryin to deliver me another of his crytip lessons in life? I too hav cum across a dear fren once. The change was so sudden tht I paused and ask myself... is this the same person tht I once knw?
"My xperience in life forces me to change..." Peace to u my fren. For I believe tht change is when one succumbs to the environment arnd it. Sumthing tht can be so bitter and tragic, tht often forces change. I hav witness the light becum dark... and the dark return to the light. Sum becum shades of grey...
And it always change. Even me. Did I not walk the path of darkness becoz of change? Bitter regret... anger... spite and hatred. Even despair? The basest of dark human emotions. The catalyst tht sets change into motion.
Flowers for the dead. There is one thing tht never change. No matter how hard u try... no matter how many good deeds tht u perform.
U can't change the past. And I always hope and pray... tht the ppl tht I truly care and luv, will change for the better. Even me... coz there is always hope.
For u mentor... words cant describe of my gratefulness for ur many sound advice. Advice tht u gav frm wisdom, compassion and the belief in self. U now knw hw much it means to lose a dad. I lost mine along time ago. Perhaps by finding ur answers, I will find my way bck home too.
And yes... I knw and understand the burden u now carry on ur shoulders.