"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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A Few Good Men(& Women)
Friday, March 31, 2006
Its only natural that I'm worn out.
Its TGIF. Its almost a week I'm attached to ED. In that span of four days, I hav seen alot of action there. There'z never a dull moment. A real challenge both physically and mentally. There were indeed times when I thought I would crack under pressure. The turn over rate there is unusually high and I can see the reason why. Compared to the profesional veterans ther, I'm like a babe in the woods.
I can only hope and pray... yes, notice the word pray. I've started my budding prayes. Everything begins with small steps. I'm starting mine. Lotsa things happened tht jumstarted my fledging faith in religion. I hav seen great acts of kindness there as well as also acts of selflesness under xteme pressure. There were times when I feel partly ashamed of myself. Guess I'm juz a lil bit rusty.
I always luved reading other peoples blogs. It givs me insights into the character's inner soul. But the thing that I always ask myself is that... do most ppl blog for the sake of others? OR for their own selves?
I've read joyful blissful bloggers as well as dark, brooding gloomy ones. Sum a combination of both. I hav seen lotsa angst... unrequited luv, bitterness... and also chirpy, groovy and humorous ones. There were sum blogs that I'm envious... envious in a sense that they lead such happy & carefree lives. And also blogs that hav plenty of inconsistencies and copycat infringement.. But one thing that is constant... the never ending quest in seach of honest true luv, happiness and inner peace and acceptance.
We human individuals are so complicated. Sumtimes the right answers are so elusively complicated.. yet at the same time astonishingly simple. Guess we are one big bunch of confused and bungling individuals that are constantly goin round in circles with the statement of 'understand me' pencilled to our foreheads but hidden behind masks and clothed behind sumthing that we are not.
Balance in all things. That is one of the principles that's first and foremost on my mind. Too much kindness can lead u to being too soft... too much anger can make you a walking seething individual juz waiting to xplode on the slightest provocation. Too emo and ppl say that u r a cry baby... too heartless and u r juz a walking machine. Wearing figure huggin and revealin clothes often and u r seen as a bitch... and revealing too lil u r juz assumed with a hidden agenda. So much ironies... so much misunderstanding. Even if I were to say... ur actions speaks for u can be misleading. So I juz read between the lines... my sharp perceptions trying to understand the unspoken words and distinguishing the truth. Is a half truth a whole lie?
Often I am accused of sumthing I'm not. This is not sumthing new to me. In times of past I worked so hard to prove that those who accused me of their terrible mistake. Now I no longer care. Trying to prove ppl wrong... ppl who bad mouthed and rumour mongers wrong is like banging ur head against the wall.
Time will tell. Sooner to later time often will reveal the truth abt the nature of a person. It takes patience and perserverance. It is easier to apologise for a mistake committed than to truthfully admit of a wrong doin.
In my life journey... I hav encountered plenty of people. Who doesnt? A few good men & women. No I'm not talkin abt movies or the military. But the real down to earth ppl who hav the moral courage of showin their true inner selves. Ordinary ppl wif no xtraordinary powers. But rather, the untainted heart of trying to make this place a much better place. For no better reason other than the fact that they do care.
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Stats!
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Need medical attention.
Its been two days OJT @ ED. Life is hectic there. I am more mentally exhausted rather than physically. But I am happy really. This is where I rise up to the challenge. I'm not the behind the desk job in a cosy office type of person. There is never a dull moment there. No time to pause and take a breath. Xciting? U betcha! Stressed? U can bet on it! But I'm still wearing the kid's glove here, being closely monitored by a mentor. I'd be really lost wifout constant guidance from my mentor, not to mention the abundant patience that they hav. Well, one must learn how to crawl then walk and finally run rite? Of course there will be the occasional stumble and fall.
How can I describe the environment there? Fast paced and efficient. You hav to be constantly alert and quick witted as well as sharp, lest you want hiccups to happen. When I say hiccups, thts a gross understatement. I cant wait for my 1st day off on Sat. I've already planned to spend it as a treat for myself for the long hard week. Sumtimes I think I'm better off at my old werkplace coffeeshop. Relaxed.. i mean even the rush hour is not like normal hour here at ED.
Life so good so far. I want to believe that my life is heading towards clear sunny blue sky. Oh yeah tokin abt blue skies... I tried wearing contacts after so long. Hah! Fat lot of good that is... my master eye was blurred in such short moment... guess my eyes were like feelin oh so suffocated. I mean, I felt so tired... my eyes I mean. Its like as though I've been wifout adequate sleep for the past two days when I had been sleeping for at least 8 hours a day. My eyes were like so puffy and small. In the end, I juz stick back to my good old trusty glasses. But I cant deny though, that I look definately much, much more cute and good lookin wifout glasses. Haha.
I'm really lookin forward to the weekend. I mean, I better enjoy weekend while I'm still doin OJT.. coz once OJT's over I will be doin rotating sifts. Even though I do prefer shift werk, there were indeed times when I feel envious of Sundays and public holidays. But then again, I've been werkin sifts for the past two years and hav already adapted well.
Sumtimes, sacrifices muz be made. I hav always knwn that. U cant hav the best of both worlds. We must learn to turn adversity and obstacles in life into sumthing that we can learn and take advantafe of. Dun let the tears flow. Though I empathise wif u, remember that the most turbulent sea will end up in the most peaceful cove. Hang on to what u hav... remember your luved ones and be thankful for who and what we are. Though it is indeed hard, it is the hardships in life that we luv and appreciate the good things in life, coz we knw how rare that is. Nuthin good is forever. I always believe in the greater good, no matter what shit happens. Life is indeed complicated, the reason why I luv life so much.
"Everything always happened for a reason,
But itz juz sumthing we hav no control over,
And that's what destiny is.
But no more worries, rest ahead and go to sleep,
One day we'll wake up and this is juz all a dream"
Eminem "Mockingbird"
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The Test Of Time
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Private Emotion.
Its not sumthing that u show readily. It is sumthing that's sacred, reserved only for urself or perhaps those closest to you. Perhaps the reason why I always go to the pusara alone.
Today was a special exception. I went there this mornin wif my mum n sis. Left my ride behind and tompanged Kak Barya and Abg Syam's spanking new Hyundai.
Dark clouds heralded rain today. It felt strange goin to dad's pusara with them. The last time we went there as a family was twelve years ago when he just left us... a time when I was still juz that young innocent boy. I stood apart frm them as they made their way there... sum wounds are juz too deep for reconciliation. Perhaps I am ashamed of myself. I was always the black sheep of the family. But I took a deep breath... after all, it was mum n sis that wanted me to go wif em. Perhaps... I wan to believe that old wounds are indeed healing. Time... time heals all wounds. Perhaps with time, even forgiveness can be earned.
We trimmed the overgrown weeds and changed the white cloth that embraced the tombstones. I held the umbrella over them as they sat beside his final resting place recitin verses of the yassin and offering doa. Its so peaceful here. The smell of raindrops minggled wif the scent of freshly trimmed grass... I can see both Kak Barya and Abng Sham at Arwah nenek's pusara a short distance away.
We then proceeded to Abadi/Aman II. Lotsa ppl were there today. I believe today was the Chinese's official grave visitin day. There were buses and lotsa vehicles in attendace that police MPs were posted at strategic chokepoint to prevent illegal parkings tht would cause serius congestions and flaring tempers.
While mum and sis went to arwah Pak Ngah's and Tok Din, I went my own way to visit a specter of my past. I managed to locate it wifout much difficulty. It was drizzlin and I wasnt too bothered wifout an umbrella. I prefer rain to the hot sun. A quiet walk of abt 10 min and I reached there... to the final resting place of my adopted bro. My eyes sought the date of his departure. 16th Sept 2004. Sumtimes I feel it was only yesterday I was sitin wif him at Siglap wif a glass of Milo Dino for him as a treat... tickling and teasing him. I really miss that pale botak head of him. If he's alive rite now he would be at the age of 11 rite now... doin his primary five education. I'm glad to see the well maintained pusara. His real parents muz really missed him... coz I do. I briefly offered fatehah and doa, and left a small bouquet of white roses on his tombstone. With the remaining white roses in hand, I made my way deeper into the pusara... further into the past and those interred there.
I stared at long moments at the name engraved on the tombstone as sumthing heavy settled at the bottom of my stomach. The ever so familiar emotions of regret and sorrow found its way back into my heart. A vivid recollection of that fateful nite replayed in my mind's eye.
My heart sank. Shoulders heavy wif the weight of guilt and regret. My conscience... is it my conscience? Or the voice of reason whispered in my ears... "No matter what u do... no amount of good deeds performed can ever bring the dead back to life... or change the past for that matter." I physically closed my eyes, trying to shunt all the voices and images running amok in my mind. I methodically removed the abundant weeds and dead leaves and twigs and set abt tryin to make her final resting place much neater and cleaner. It took me a good 15-20 min, by the time I was done I was sweating, but feelin much physically and emotionally better. Perhaps that ritual cleansed my inner self clean. Mind over matter perhaps. Who knows?
I poured the remaining rose water and left the remaining white roses on her tombstone after a brief prayer for her departed soul. After one last glimpse of her name, I gathered my belongings and left her final resting place...
I was glad that I was the 1st one to complete my maintenance. My and sis were still occupied wif Kak Barya and Abg Sham. I took shelter at a nearby tree that was near to the car... my hands diggd into my pocket. No dun worry, its not ciggies.. but rather, mentos mints. I popped one into my mouth while doin reflections of my own.
You knw... u realize that a person is really gone when u can see the grave with your own two eyes. I always wanted to believe that my life is like a waking dream... that perhaps one day I will wake up and realize all that hav happened is juz but a bad dream. I always harboured that notion deep in my heart... like a burning denial waiting to be proved wrong.
Looking at all the graves... I knw I am not dreaming. Self acceptance. It is here I truly realized a person's mortality. Anyone can go...anytime. Here I do not thnk that waking up tomorrow is assured. It is here that I realized how tarnished and tainted my soul is. That alam barzagh is so close... an inevitable event. Itz just a question of when.
But why izzit that my heart is still tightly closed? What is the catalyst that I am waiting for? I was quiet throughout the journey back. Though I hav forsaken most of my dark trappings... there is still sumthing dark lurkin in the recesses of my soul. Violence? Carnal pleasure? Hatred?
I watched the lamppost pass me by... of other vehicles on the road. I closed my eyes... and once again flashs of my past replayed in my mind's eyes... the joyful laughter...dad's warm smile assuring me... friends of old and luved ones that hav gone before me...
Perhaps sumday... I will find the courage to reveal the true me to my parents. Why izzit so hard for me to show compassion and the softer side of me to my mum n sis? Fear? Fear of what? Why izzit that I always show my gruff and the i-dont'care-attitude to them when the truth is that I do care?
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Private Emotion
Saturday, March 25, 2006
I sat on my bed, looking out my bedroom window as the sky grows brighter and brighter as well as the sounds of birds chirping grows louder and louder. I never tire wakin up early in the morning, either by my own accord or frm my fav mornin wake up call. I don't know... there's sumthing... special.. as though as there is always sumthing special that I can look forward to doin... like a surprise waiting to be discovered. Hmm... since when hav I rediscovered this zest for life? I used to remember I dread facing each day.
Lets see... schedule for the day. General maintenance of household chores. Brakfast a definate must. Hmm.. I juz luv havin breakfast with either a cup of hot mint tea or strong coffee. Yup! Its a good way to start a day wif a good wholesum breakfast. Laundry... opening of a new bank account and then later in the noon will be shopping for my werkclothes. I've been procrastinating when it cums to washin my bike. Heck... in the end, it was the rain that washes of sum of the dust n grime. I really need to polish my ride up or else its gona start rusting. That's the cons of a cruiser bike. The many chrome plated parts is real nice to see when its shiny.. but a real pain in the ass to maintain it and definately hurts to look at it when its all tarnished.
Today is my stay at home while doin the neccessary stuffs for me. General maintenance. I don't feel like goin out today despite its a Saturday. Sumtimes itz a real treat to just spend time at home. Home sweet home. Perhaps i'm just tired of always goin out. Go out in the mornin and return late at nite. There's nuthin like sum peace and quiet at home. Thx god its really peaceful at home these days. There were times when I feel home is a strssful plc to be.
Really been enjoying myself these couple of days. Though my fishin trip on thurz nite was not that productive... the new spot that I went had many bites and lotsa monster fish, but the seabed full of snags. Lost like five rigs after the fish had taken it. Heart pain sei... not to mention its really demoralizing to loose a good fighting fish as well as the rig due to snag. In the end, we juz lepak near the mini lighthouse post and enjoy the beautiful view.
Cant smoke ciggies? No problem! Seesha's the answer. Mango rosewood was exquisite. Real smooth and aromatic too. No stinkin nicotine smell. Must get me one of the seesha contraption. If I'm not mistaken Eddy used to tell me Mustaffa sells both the rig and its flavours. Imagine my mum's reaction if she sees that thing in my room... she juz might think i'm smokin opium or sumthing! LoL! Even maya was not complainin. We went back to El-sheikh... the ambience there still the best so far... even the staff there yesterday was much friendlier and hardwerkin. Nuthin beats a great chill out place and of course greater company. Maya was absolutely stunning.. I was glad that I was in my better attire... haha.
I hav officially relinquished the S4 back to my fren. I guess I'm still very much attached to my cruiser. I don't knw... emotionally attached to my ride. She's done so much for me... never ever lettin me down. Despite her lack of octane power, after all, she IS a cruiser. Cruisers are not meant for speed. I can still remember the day I got her. I walked into the workshop and it was as though she was there waiting for me. Its as though she was kolin out to me... all bright and shiny. Even her number was the year of my birth and the year I first stepped into secondary education... and her last alphabet was the place of my birth. Fate? No mater what happens.. I will never let her go.. even if I ever were to drive or get better and stronger ride.
Lotsa things happened lately. So much and at times I'm at a loss. But as always, I approach one problem at a time and juz take it as it goes. Its unproductive to worry abt it incessantly. I try to foucs more on finding a solution rather than think of it as a hindrance or obstacle. Its just like riding see... there are more than one way to a destination.
Its strange really. Its so easy to see the solution to other ppls problems but when it comes to my own problems.. its not as easy as u'd think. I can only hope that I learn frm all my observations and life experiences. "There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience and that is NOT learning from experience" - Archibald Mcleish
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Signs
Thursday, March 23, 2006
I was jolted frm a terrible nightmare.
My nightmares are not in the form of monsters or ghosts. There were times I wished it were so. My nightmares in the form of twisted versions of my past. I think I need a psychiatrist. No I'm not losing my sanity. Or a therapist.. u knw... like in the movies where I lie down on a couch, talking away while a person listens takin down notes. At the end of the session I would feel better and he would say sumthing that would sumhow take all these nightmare away.
I always hated being jolted from my slumber. I lay awake in the darkness for hours, recalling the nighmare and trying to console myself... its juz a dream. Always a dream. But tht dream... I call it a nightmare. It always stirred my emotions. Bringing back old pains and emotions that I always sought to bury it behind me.
Twisted. I wished I know how to control my dreams. I tried thinking of happy thoughts before I turn in for the nite.. washed my face and feet and of course brushed my teeth. I recite my sleep 'doa' Sumtimes I would work myself to xhaustion... and sumtimes i juz think till I fall asleep.
What is wrong with me? Am I that messed up?
I was walking down that familiar corridor again. That quiet white corridor leading up to the old hospital ward. Up the silent, gloomy staircase... my footsteps echoing in the nite. Empty chairs... the silence so profound that it hurts my ears. A figure wrapped in white sheet on the cold metal table. I reached out and pull the white sheet...
It was supposed to be sumone else. But why izzit that I saw my own face there? There was no one there. No nurse.. no doctor... no one. I called out... but nobody answered my kol. My voice echoed in the deafening silence. No one came. But in that dream... i was someone else? I wasnt me. I was... juz a spectator? Why am I not surprised to see myself on that table? Am I in the ward or in the morgue? I looked at that face for long moments... notin the slight scar that runs down frm the left eyebrow. So white... so pale. But.... why izzit there were suddenly tears? Tears started streaming from that closed eyes. Were they closed now? His eyes slowly opened... as though wakin up frm a long slumber. But he cant be asleep now can he? I mean who sleeps in a tied blanket? He was wrapped in white sheet remember... doesnt that means he's dead? No.. why is he rising up now?! He turned slowly to face me... my heart beating faster and faster in horror. But instead of sumthing sinister... he just look at me. And then away into the wall. I followed his gaze and found myself lookin in the mirror.
I cant see myself. Faded. Blurred. I was jolted from my sleep. It was raining heavily outside. So cold... I was shaking. It was juz a dream. A strange dream. A nightmare. I tried to go back to sleep, the sounds of the rain outside unusually loud in my ears. I tossed and turn, trying to find a comfortable spot and to ease the terrible pain. Normally I would reach out for cigs to steady my nerves. But I hav already given up smokin. Its already 3 plus in the mornin, I need my sleep or I'm gona be a walking zombie cum dawn. I need my faculties to be bright and alert for I hav a long day cumin. Try as I might, sleep eluded me.
Great.. here I am now. Trying to ease my feelings. I mean, there is no one awake right now to pour out my emotions and confusion. I'm confused over that dream. Does it mean anything? What's in my subconscious mind? What was I thinking before sleep claimed me? Its really strange. I was supposed to see sumone else when I pulled that white sheet. And why did that person... if it was really me aniway... rose frm slumber? Slumber my ass... he's supposed to be dead aint it? Why can't I see my own reflection? Was I sumone else in that dream... heck. Drop it shah. Its useless muling over dreams. But why issit my feeling's in turmoil?
Great.. I'm totally awake and alert now when I'm supposed to be sleepy. I could really use sum cigarrates right about now. But no... I gav them up for quite sum time already. The rain hav stopped now. Sleep the last thing on my mind. Perhaps I will juz look out the window and breathe in the fresh cool air. Perhaps, certain things r juz that. Dreams. The mind wondering into the twilight zone. Goodnite and good mornin to you.
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Priorities Manifesto
Friday, March 17, 2006
Good morning Shah.
Hi shah. I'm conscience. That voice in your head that's always reminding you to do the right thing. Its been awhile since you listened to me and act on it. Listen to me you will... do u hear that shah? That's the wind of change...
Dun worry, I'm not losing my marbles. Have you ever heard this voice always telling you to do the right thing? I do. Its always in my head... like my own voice whispering in my ears... telling me the right thing to do. Or perhaps dont do. Like doing sumthing morally wrong. Hmm.. even my conscience hav off/rest day every once in awhile. If u were my conscience, you'll hav to be on the job 24/7 365 days a year.
I hate responsibilities. I hate being weighed down by commitments and whatever things that I am obligated to do. I hate being tied down or encumbered with things that prevents me from having fun and more fun. I hate having to take care of other people other than myself. I am a self-centered selfish guy. Its all about me... and just me. I hate chores. I want people to do my laundry, household chores and cook for me while I shake my leg and do my stuff. What's my stuff? Namely havin fun and engaging in my desires. Namely the seven sins of mankind. Izzit only seven? More or less? Heck... give or take...I don't care.
Thats not me. Often I wonder why I no longer act on that impulse. Can I reason it to change? Was I ever like that? Perhaps once, a long time ago. Choice. Life is always about choices. We are who we choose to be. So choose...
If only it is that simple. Can I really choose just like that? Like the snap of a finger or the blink of an eye? Can I really choose as though being served food on a platter? Sum people make it sounds so easy. Perhaps it is... perhaps it is not. Its really easy to choose the easy way out. Most often the easy way out is not morally right but oh so easy. Bad habits. Wrong doings. Shortcuts to success. Name it. But good habit... makin changes for the better... indeed, is one of the hardest to commit and maintain.
I always read other people's blogs. Sum I even keep track of it... reading up their daily lives, routines and happenings. Time and time again I marvel at the complexities of individuals. Same light but different lamps... same colour of blood but different people. Same hair but different colour, style and texure.
Being happy. Who does not want to be happy. Oh yes... I would so luv to smile all day long basking in glorious sunshine. I want to laugh my heart out. Oh yeah.. those who knw me... perhaps they knw how much I luv to laugh. I luv makin jokes. I luv great company. But why izzit that I am rarely that way? Why izzit that despite all the friends and laughter I still feel a small emptiness? As a child... there was no emptiness in me. Its sumthing so elusive that i can find no words to describe or put a finger to it and say "Ha! That's the problem!"
I now know the reason why. The reason why I used to luv helpin ppl so much. Ironically, it was an old movie that reminded me of the answer. I used to ask myself why... why izzit that I luv helpin others. It was not becoz of me being noble or whatever. Perhaps then I knew... but as time goes by I hav forgotten. Its human nature to forget. I luv helping people becoz it makes me forget of my own worries and shortcomings. It makes me feel good and sumwhat close to being a complete person when I performed a good deed. For a moment, I can forget of my worries. Like another piece of the puzzle clicked into place... I can almost see the whole picture... the greater scheme of things.
Every once in a while I read all my past entries. Even those from my old site at Diaryland. Indeed... I can safely say that over 90% of my enttries are very dark, brooding and full of sadness. Do you know what its like to be the sadman? To be the badman? Do u knw what its like to be hated? To be faded? To be misunderstood?
I wonder why people wear masks or put up facade? Most people cry out to be understood and to be luved... but how can it be possible if they hide behind all those barrier? Pretending to be sumthing they are not? Yet mourn or cry out in anger when misunderstood or being accused of being sumthing they are not?
Life is so complicated. The reason why I never find it dull. I myself am guilty of that. I myself put up facades. I am often misunderstood and being accused of sumthings that I am not. But I don't blame them. I deliberately let them come to that decision coz that was wht I wanted. Yet.. I blamed them for luring them to come to that conclusion.
I am a happy person. Indeed I am. Is because I hav known terrible losses, pain and betrayal. Huh? What's that got to do with being happy? You see.... is all interconnected. Like my mantra... to see the light, One Muz Be In the Dark.
Do u know how sweet plain water can be? When you are dying of thirst... ok, tht's exaggeration. But when you are really thirsty out in the hot sun... and there is no water at all. But then you come across juz a bottle of plain, drinking water... would u forego that juz becoz you luv coke? Hell no! You drink it and it taste like sugar water. But if u r not thirsty... even if sumone were to pass u a much better drink... u wont appreciate that drink so much.
Like wise.... outside, I am a happy person when I am surrounded wif frenz and luved ones. But here... in my blogg... I can let out all my sorrows, hopes and dreams. Wear I can let down all my emotional armour and the facade that I wear when I face the world. Now I ask myself why the facades and all the masks. The reason... fear. Fear of being manipulated. Fear of being judged soft. Fear for being labled emo. Fear of being called sensitive. Fear of being.. human. Fear of being judged. So much fear.
After all... who wants to hang out with the sadman? Who wants to talk about sad, gloomy stuff? I mean.. u dont go to a coffee shop and mourn abt ur losses after a hard day's werk? "Kopi satu! Eh.. aku sedih ah... gerl aku tinggalkan aku" or "Kenapala semua orang benci aku? Takde orang yang sayang aku? Kenapa aku tak mcm dia? Semua prempuan sukakan dier.. hmm.. dia popular kerana dia ramai kawan? Dia kelakar? K, aku kena step ramai kawan and buat kelakar! Kalau aku ada ramai kawan yang hyped maknanya aku pun hyped. Nak kena ikut dan bergaul orang yang hyped!" And so the cycle goes on and on. Sumtimes, the masks that we wear... in the end, we unknowingly becum that mask.
Is all about choices isn't it? Like Jet's Hold On.
"You tried so hard to be sumone that you forget who you are...
You tried to fill sum emptiness till all you had spilled over.
Now everything's so far away that u don't know where you are.
When its hard to be yourself is not to be sumone else...
Still everything's so far away that you forget where you are.
All that you wanted, all that you hav don't seem so much.
For you to hold on to... for you to belong to...
Hold On... Hold On"
The importance of being honest. Throughtout the years, I hav tried to be sumone that I'm not. When I was a child, I was always picked upon by the bigger boys and bullied and beaten. I joined silat to fight them.. to teach them a lesson in pain and humiliation. It was that fury that drove me on... burning strong with hatred. Even though I bruised and bled, I still forged on, picked myself up even when I kissed the cold hard earth. Taught them I did... the joy only fleeting. But all that training came a heavy price... I suffered many internal injuries, and I left it behind me.
I embraced the dark life becoz of a heartfelt betrayal. I became a player... coz I wanted vengeance. I embraced the trapping of a dark life. Perhaps that nite indeed was the begining of my turning point.
Indeed... I knw happiness coz I knw sorrow. I treasure my family becoz I hav known loss. I treasure good friendship coz bad friends are all around.. its the good ones that are indeed rare. I knw a good gerl when I encounter one coz I've encountered countless rotten ones. And I knw good guys coz I was bad once. But wait a minute... how can I say the bad is bad? They must hav their reasons for being who and what they are... nobody is born bad or evil. The reason...
Its all about choices. It is learning from the bad that we appreciate and treasure the good ones. I am always happy and full of laughter outside. It is here, that I let out my sorrows... my silent thoughts and reflections. Perhaps it is here... I can sumhow connect the dots from all the past experience and perhaps I can see the core of the domino. I dont mourn the past and dwell on it.. but rather, to cherish the good memories and learn frm the bad, bitter ones. There is a reason why God is all knwing, all powerful. And there is a reason why god giv mankind wisdom. The wisdom to search for knwledge. To accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can... and more importantly, the wisdom to knw the difference.
You cant change a person who dont want to change. Though changing for the better is indeed hard, I want to believe that I am changing to be a better man. It takes times... it takes patience. It takes self-acceptance. More importantly... it requires honesty. I do not hav all the answers. I am not Mr Know It All or Mr Always right. I used to believe what my eyes tell me. But it takes compassion and wisdom to all behind what the eyes see. Ask the reason why. Nobody does anything for nothing. Perhaps sum do juz for the fun of it or no apparent reason at all. Who knows? There is always the other side. The right answer is as elusive as ever. Sum takes a lifetime to find, sum juz mere moments. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Me... I just look, observe and analyse the reasons why.
The winds of change is indeed blowing...
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Grey Nimbus At The End of The Tunnel
Monday, March 13, 2006
Finally an update.
I am not a DIY computer hardware guy. So much for tryin to cut cost by do-it-yourself self DVD drive installation. Ended up wif a blank screen at my monitor and a high pitched looping beep sound. And no... I wasnt listening to too much Pussy Cat Doll's Beep. Hahah. So much for plug and play. In my hands its more like plug and destroy. It was comical really. I was sweating away in my room fiddling wif my CPU in the middle of the nite tryin to puzzle out which wire goes to which when my whole house was plunged into the darkness. The reason why? Well, urs truly tht's the reason why. My CPU gt fried... sumthing to do wif the power coupler and in the end had to send it to the QUALIFIED computer guy @ Upper Serangoon to gt it fixed. Oh yeah and throw in 70 as part of the deal. Lesson learnt. Like the sayin goes... bagaikan tikus baiki labu... LoL! My mum and sis were like "Shah! Apa kau buat!!!" Heheh... wht did i do? Feigned ignorance.
Had a wonderful time yesterday nite. Maya and me were invited to Imah's bday celebration. It was special really. There were only four of us at Al-Shaik cafe. Boboy and I firmly belief in Quality not Quantity. That means Quality people for company.. though few in numbers but plenty of laughter and warmth all around. The ambience was xcellent... we had a very fillin and sumptious dinner and supper under the stars and arabic music. There were plenty of jokes and laughter. Indeed... its very easy to forget all abt my trivial day to day worries and sadness. I juz luxuriate in the here and now and juz enjoy the pleasant company.
I often wonder why izit tht I am only most at ease and happy with these people. I can juz kick back and relax, lettin all my emotional armour down and crack plenty of jokes and unlimited laughter all around. But I'm rarely like this wif other ppl. Worse, when I am alone, I became very withdrawn and introspective. Well, I guess these are indeed special ppl and I am most at ease. perhaps the reason why I appreciate them more than the rest.
I had a real blast wif Boboy lookin for Ima's bday presents. I was really glad and happy tht everything went well. We scouted out the various eating places to see if the ambience suits us. Not to mention lookin for real bargains for the bday presents. It was like Boboy's xtreme makeover. We looked for his outfit high and low here and there. In the end, the end results were wonderful. Maya and Imah were gorgeous tht nite. Of course, being men, we luv pretty ladies.... ahakz! Who doesnt? Too bad they didnt belly dance though... tht would hav really made my evening. But wait a min, who's bday izzit aniway?
Really had a tiring Sunday. Mornin was spent cleaning out the huge and heavy carpet. Phew... now tht's a chore! Carpets sure add comfort and colour to the living room.. but it after havin to drag it out and beat it out to clean, makes me think twice of havin carpets for nex year's raya. My arms are juz aching as though I've juz finished lifting a 15 rep dumbell session!
I'm not complaining though. I feel like as though I wana giv up fishin for the time being. The catch rate is very poor lately. Perhaps is juz the turn of the season, I'm juz afraid tht the fishstock in SIngapore water juz depleted due to overfishin.
Niway... its gona be back in TTSH for me on the 15th. Hav an appointment for a special xray to check out my kdneys. Hope everything gonna be allrite. I hav been suffering frm acute stomach pains every now and then. Really got me worried. It was few days back when I had blood in my urine. I wasnt sure if it was urine at all coz it was all red in colour. I was freaked out! But tht was an isolated incident, everythings juz perky these days. Not to mention its really good to hav my PC back with me.
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Behind DarK Eyes
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Today's weather will be predicted as partly cloudy wif temperatures ranging 26-29 degrees celcius. Its a wonderful morning to be out there enjoyin the fine weather. Haha, look at u shah! Who do u think you are? The mornin weather Deejay?
Ahakz, perhaps thts how I psyche myself up these days. Usually I will open my eyes and moan in dismay coz the mornin sun's too glaring outside my window and I'll juz close my eyes tighter and roll over to the other side of my bed which is also equally bright due to its reflection. Heck... sumtimes I can even muster the strength to drag myself out of bed, draw the curtains then return back to bed. Can u imagine that? I muz be bummer.
Well, no longer these days. Hmm.. come to think of it... I kicked off this habbit when I gav up smokin no? Hey yeah, cum to think of it... yeah! Hmm.. looks like stubbin tht stub do indeed do wonders. Nowadays I'm a regular mornin person. Wake up, wash up, news and breakfast. Hmm.. don I juz luv mornin wake up kol and breakfast. What better way to begin ur day rite?
I'm a real regular to TTSH these days. Aside frm my now regular health check up there wif the specialist, I went back there yesterday to accompany Maya to giv her moral support. She had an interview there yesterday at 1. But I advised her to be there much earlier to calm her nerves and absorb and adapt to the environment there. Sumhow I much prefer TTSH to the other hospitals in Singapore. Muz be becoz of the ambience and most of the staff there are like... hmm... much friendlier than the rest of the hospitals there. I've been to all the hospitals in sg. So I knw wht I'm sayin. Perhaps I might wana consider applyin for a job in the medical profession there. At least all the stuff there are polite enuf to answer inquiries and engage in prolonged conversations.
Hmm.. i really picked up a couple of good habbits lately. Aside frm wakin up early, I now hav this tendency to juz pick a conversation with strangers and pay more attention to my surroundings. Surprise surprise I learn lotsa general useful info here and there not to mention at least I can pass the time much faster when I'm waiting for my turn. I'm surprised not all ppl are as... hw should I say..? Withdrawn and stuck up as I thought most of them were. Of course... if the person I'm tryin to engage in conversation aint tht responsive... well, lets stop wasting my time and juz draw the line aye?
Niway, had a very sumptious meal at East Coast's Food Village. Looks like additional side effect of quiting ciggs is tht now I'm havin a voracious appetite. Oh well... lets juz hope I wont be pilin too much weight. Already, I'm hittin the weights trainin regiment... heck.. I'm even considerin of adding mornin jogs to my routine. Ahakz! Me? Joggin? Its been ages! Shah oh shah... who do u think you are? Rocky? Wahaha!! Puff puff.. one two punch.. puff puff one two punch wif Eye Of the Tiger as music... LoL!
All in all... I try not to dwell too much on my loss. Sumtimes its difficult when I feed my rabbits. Sigh... its much quiter now that cage... not too mention more spacious too. Brownie still lurks in my minds eye everytime I sit to watch my rabbit feed and play wif em. But... I want to believe he's in bunny haven now... a much better place than here in a HDB house or worse being abandoned when he was juz a lil rabbit wif his other pals. Brownie was the last of my 'pioneer' orphaned rabbit. I want to believe tht the short time he was here he had a good life. At least a much better life than out there abandoned in the wilderness. Allrite... lets juz leave it here.
Every mornin my slate has been wiped clean. I wake up full of hope and enthusiasm and closed my eyes wif all the sorrows and worries of a day. Everyone hav 24 hours, 7 days a week and 365 days a year. No one has more or less time than the other person. We are who we choose to be. Its what I do that defines me. Indeed... and not all hav the wisdom, empathy and compassion to see and understand the underlyin reason why.
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A Better Place and A Better Tomorrow
Saturday, March 04, 2006
I burried Brownie today.
I opened my eyes feelin tht I hav left all my sorrows and worries behind me. I believe in starting a new day full of enthusiasm and hope . Tht sumhow today is better thn yesterday, like the sayin goes believin in a better tomorrow.
I took Brownie home frm the vet yerterday morning. I was hopeful tht Brownie was gettin better. After all, the vet gav me positive feedback the day before it. My heart sank when the vet informed me tht he juz stopped eating yesterday morning. I should hav seen it coming. I should hav left him wif them instead of bringin him back home to continue his treatments. Instead, even the vet seems eager to return Brownie back to me.
He was very, very quiet and subdued in the cab on the way home. Though rabbits do not make noises, usually Brownie will be moving arnd in his cage. Instead, his ears were drooped and he was like huddling to himself. I took it as he was somehow sore wif me for leaving him behind with the vet. As I had medical appointment cumin up soon, I left him in his temporary home facing his two other buddies, Black & Stitch.
When I gt home however, I was in for a very rude shock. Brownie was already flat on his side, his breathin very hard and raspy. I tried givin him his supplements and meds, he refused them and even vomitted it back out when I tried givin him to his mouth via syringe. He was very weak indeed... he cant even sit, always flat on his back. I was almost in tears as I stroked his cheek... he tried to stand up to face me, shiverin and shakin as he desperately tried to stir and look at me.
When sis came home, we rushed Brownie off to the vet emergency hospital at Whitley road. The prev vet already hinted strongly of puttin Brownie down to end his suffering. I debated strongly against tht idea in my mind while in the cab. Whose to say which is the more humane thing to do? I was forced wif tht decision once before.
I once rescued four very young bunnies almost four years ago. Four abandoned young rabbits out in the open hot field. A grey, white, black and of course brown. I called them Wolfy, Snowy, Blackie and of course brownie. Grey didnt make it soon after as he was already emanciated while the rest I nursed back to health and made it to adult. Blackie unfortunately, suffered frm gene disorder. Meaing he had severe infection to the gum and it spread to his eyes. Ever seen a one eyed rabbit before?
Despite his illness... blackie was a very active n playful rabbit. When the times he could force his pain down, he would gamboled round his cage and the balcony when we realeased him for xcercise. He would lick our fingers and hands when we gav him food...but as time goes by, we made regular visits to the vet due to his declining health. In the end though, he stopped being active and playful. We can really see tht he was sufering in pain. The vet seriusly recommended us to consider putting him down.
I remembered tht day clearly now, as I stood there in the vet clinic lookin at the very quiet and subdued Blackie. His one good eye half closed while the other one hideosly wide opened like as though it could pop out any moment. I remembered back to his good ole days when he was strong and fit... and I compared him now.. a far cry frm the Blackie I remembered back then. i thought I did the right thing to end his misery then. As the vet administered the lethal dose... I cried silent tears as he struggled to look at me one last time. I stroked his head gently then, as he lowered his head slowly to the ground and his life fled his body. I realized thn what a terrible mistake I had done. It was not my right to decide if he should be put down. I asked myself this question till now... who am I to decide if he suffered if he lived? What if he don't want to die despite his pain? I am no stranger to pain myself. Did i decide to swallow cyanide to end my suffering like I did with Blackie? No.. it was not my place. Its gods will... not mine to decide if he should be put down. What does it mean to be humane?
So tht's wht I did to Brownie. History hav this tendency to repeat itself to see if I hav indeed learned frm my mistake. But my conscience was screaming against my logic. It really cuts deep into my heart and conscience to see Brownie's laboured breathin and seein him so weak. What is life if u r bedridden and bein put on life support for the rest of ur life when U cant even breathe the fresh air out there and luxuriate in the warmth of the sun?
I seriusly do not knw. The right answer is as elusive as ever.
So I did wht could be done yesterday nite. We put Brownie on life support and drip. We paid for his xray and his xtravagant medical cost. I left the clinic feelin a glimmer of hope that everything's gonna be allrite. I was wrong.
And so I brought Brownie home in a box 2day. I looked at him for the last time. The day when Blackie and Snomy died, they died wif their eyes open. Brownie was the 1st ever to die as though he was sleeping contentedly. He looked so peaceful with his eyes closed and his position as though indeed he was sleeping. Perhaps he died peacefully in his sleep. Who knws... I wasnt there. I caressed him slowly as I prepared to lower him in his final resting place. I'm gona miss seeing him sniffing xpectantly at his food and him licking my fingers after I caress him at his cheek as though sayin thank you to me. I can still remember when he was but just a small lil rabbit and now he's a big bad rabbit.
At least, I had made the right decision not to put him down like I did wif Blackie. I consoled myself that I let Brownie die naturally. He would want tht. There, in the unmarked mound of earth lies Brownie, my fav rabbit tht I had adopted four years ago. I do not knw wht happen when an animal dies... animals hav no sins. I want to believe tht he's out there in a better place. Where there are endless open field and plenty of his fav food... running and hopping freely instead of in a cage.
As I made my way home, I remind myself again how fragile and short life is. I took a look around me and see ppl waiting for cabs or the bus. Vehicles passing by and ppl goin abt their business as usual....
Is it better to luv and lost rather than to never love at all? After xperiencing so many loss, I thought I had develop the emotional armour to protect myself. I thought sumhow I hav been xposed enuf to cushion the blow. No matter how much loss... I can still feel the emptiness and sadness where they used to be in my heart. Though time heals all wounds.... it always leave a scar.
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Feel Good Incorporated
Friday, March 03, 2006
I luv opening my eyes to a good sunny mornin wif Nickelback's Far Away on the jukebox, setting my mood for the day today. Lets keep the enthusiasm goin allrite? Today is gonna be a long day. Lets see.. I'm collectin my bunny rabbit frm the hospital vet later in the mornin after breakfast n household chores. Thn its off to my medical apptment @ TTSH but b4 tht, I'm droppin by at Maya to pass her much eager awaited brunch of Fish Ole n whipped. Oh yeah, musn't forget to bring along the CDs as well. And of course... its TGIF! Might be goin fishin wif Aidil later in the evening. Hopefully we'll bag sum big monster fish like Siakap or Pari... tht'll definately make my Fri nite.
LoL! Often Boboy, Aidil and me would often muse since when we gav up our nite life prowlin days for a more sedate and peaceful fishin outing. Used to remember we would be like "Hey bro, fri nite out sok... club mana mau go?" or "Amacam? Menyalak kat KBox atau Apollo bro?" Instead now we'll be like "Amacam? Bedok Jetty kaper bro?" or "Amacam? Pari 10 kilo satu kaper mike?" Well, naturally we juz tone down and move on i guess. Boboy's engaged now... he'll be tying the knot next year and now he's hard at werk for the duit khemah. Cum to think of it.. most of my frenz r already gettin engaged or married this cumin months and next year. I'm happy for them, I really do. Me? Well.. mine's still a very long way to go. I still wana further studs and not to mention get a real good career so tht I'm financially stable. Of course, not to forget tht its my dream and goal to save enuf dough to be able to send mum for haj. Insya allah.
I was quite pissed wif a fren of mine yesterday. I think its basic courtesy to return my borrowed stuffs to me rather than me hounding for them. I mean cum on... I've already delivered the goods to u when its U tht want to burrow em.. but me goin to their hourse juz to get it back? Worse... I loan him 3 items and I get back only two. What the hell? And to add insult... "Mana ada? Itu ajer per aku pinjam dari kau!" Moral of the story? Want to burrow my stuff? Sure... sign a declaration form of what r the items burrowed n whenz the date returning them and terms and conditions will be 'burrowed items to be collected FROM ME and RETURNED to ME in PERSON. That means cumin over to my place and givin it to me in a way thts convenient and comfortable to ME. Not vice versa. Just like money. Nak pinjam senang nak bayar balik mcm aku jadi loanshark.
I had to endure the blistering sun at 2 pm yesterday not to mention being stuck in heavy traffic at Eunos ther. Dammit. Thx god i only loaned him sum of my software... not all of it like he initially wanted it. Lesson learnt the hardway. Never again.
The wheather's really good these past few days, though abit too hot in the noon. Well, i'm not complaining. I luv clear blue sunny blue skies. Yep.. ideal conditions to do laundry, wash the bike and of course... my all time guy thing. Fishin. Yep2!
Hmm.. but then again... maybe i'll juz chill at the coffee shop later in the evening eh? Allrite then, better prepare my thang... its almost time. Sigh.. I'm gona be so alone and bored at TTSH later.
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Far Away...
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Good morning glory...
Its really wonderful to open ur eyes to wonderful blue sky and the pale rays of the early mornin sun. The air is so refreshing these days.... hmm.. could it be tht my black tarred lungs hav cleared? Ahakz... well, frankly speakin, i dun really regret quitin smokin even though I hav missed the Muharram challenge. I liked teasin Maya tht I should juz start smokin again n drop it next year's month of muharram. The reason why? Well, those fortunate smokers who manages to quit during the month of muharram stands to win 15K if they manage to stomp tht addiction. Well niway, I was juz kiddin. Its for my own good and I guess I'm gonna classify myself as juz the very occasional social smoker. Who knws... I'll totally be a smoke free person.
Personally, I'm glad tht I manages to get over the worse of the withdrawal. Man... I was like tryin to cough my lungs out and my breathin was like Darth Vader. No i'm not exaggeratin. I was havin a bad asthma... it hurts to draw breath and I was so deathly afraid tht I hav to depend on the inhaler for the rest of my days... or worse, regular treatments for my asthma at TTSH. Oh yeah, I musn't forget tht I hav an appointment tomorrow at TTSH. Hmm.. I muz be a fan of tht hospital.
Niway... every mornin, all my problems are like so far away frm my mind. I mean, its such a wonderful mornin to be wasted wif me still dwellin on all my never ending probs tht's always on my mind. Mind over matter... so I focus instead on all the small things in the mornin like listenin to the sounds of the bird, inhaling the sweet fresh air by the lungful and of course... makin breakfast while listenin to Channel News Asia's mornin update.
I want to believe tht despite all the hardships I hav to endure... there will be peace n happiness at the end of the road. Good things cum to those who wait. For now though and every mornin... I am at peace with myself... far removed frm all the troubles in the world. I cant wait for my mornin wake up call...