Chronicles of Shah

Remorse, grief.. anger. Emotions are ez to understand when u read it or hear it frm ppl. But its the depth of those emotions tht juz couldn't be put into words or felt by the other person. Sumtimes, it is so distant n like sum ppl would say.. its only words. Sum hav detached and cool manner becoz they juz can't feel the emotion itself. Maybe even sum would nod their head or giv a ahuh or i understand... but can they really relate to it?

And of course, there's always sympathy.

But to sum, they CAN really relate to ur xperience, or even appreciete the depth of ur emotion.. empathy. Coz to these select few, they hav xperience it themselves.. and KNOW how it feels like.

I hav always wanted the simple life. To be really free of all these emotional baggage and personal problems tht I can pack into a jumbo jet.

But like all things in life... u can't hav everything.. and which life is without problems? Maybe to sum or most other... but not me. And i've heard worst.

Schadenfreude - a feelin of elation that cums frm learnin the sufferin/mishap of others. I was like that once. Like when I read the news or when I heard my rival/sumone I hated met wif an unfortunate incident. Like watchin the news and seein a motorcyclist who met a tragic accident and died, or a person bein conned/robbed and all other misfortunes. Its like "Hey, too bad for u man, juz as long as its not me" and then a silent prayer to god tht its not U.

Its human nature to abhor bein reminded of their mortality. That today might be their last. Honestly, who amongst us ever thought tht 2day is their last day? I mean even i am guilty of tht. "Heya buddy we meet on lets say tomorrow?" or "Heya hw bout we go fishin nex week?"

When I was juz a young boy... I used to think tht ppl never die. Heck.. i don't even knw wht death was.. it was not in my dictionary. but fate hav this tendency to reverse ur reality. I am now very familiar with sayin goodbye. More often thn not, u never gt the chance to say goodbye. Today u see... and tomorrow is juz a probability. its not like in dramas wher u hold tht person's hand as he lay dyin. All i ever see in my xperience... is a figure wrapped in white to be interred for burial.

Its been a year now since he left. My dear Azrul...Hazrul Bin Elfi. Did u knw wht dyin means? Or were u juz like me when I was a boy? Ignorant tht ppl can die... even ur ownself. And when U hav a close call wif death, u walk away traumatised and shaken.. swearin tht u will not do tht thing again tht caused ur close call wif death.

Life a struggle. I hav always known tht most ppl lead lives that r more joyous than me. Perhaps tht the reason why I can emphatise wif those ppl tht r less unfortunate thn me. And when I was in Sri Lanka on my relief efforts...

the kids there...

All I saw was Hazrul's eyes lookin at me. The same enthusiasm. Regardless tht they hav lost their parents or homes. Regardless of their own sufferin and hardship. I really miss u lil bro.

Its nostalgic. Life's twisted ironies. The good becums bad, and the bad becums good. And as always, I need to remind myself the reason why I wake up in the mornin.. all day everyday.

17:14
Shah

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Thank You
Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Its really been awhile since I last updated. Talk abt havin free time. I'm already jobless, and I hav all the spare time in the world. But as always, there never seems to be nothing for me to do.

Cathing up on all my lost sleep. Its good to be available to open up my eyes and do not hav to think abt werk. Yeah, my werk seems to bring in alot of stress and I've aged considerably since then.

There's always this moment when I opened up my eyes. A short moment of tranquil. I would then sit by the bed and wondered wht each new day brings. Opportunists would say 'Hey, a new day has cum... live ur day like there's no tomorrow.' Hmm.. wht do they knw like there's no tomorrow?

Hav u ever wondered wht if there's no tomorow?

Strange.. everytime I open my eyes, I feel happy.. and a small pang of sorrow.

How can I describe it? Happy tht I still hav the opportunity to redeem myself.. yet sad.. tht I knw.. I'm still not waking up frm this reality tht I'm juz waiting to wake up frm.

I knw.. its stupid. But every nite, before I drifts off.. I wished tht when I open up my eyes, I will wake up and knw tht all the sorrow in my life is but a nightmare. Tht when I wake up, i will be tht 11 yo shah.

And when I opened my eyes, there's always tht never ending pain of my ailments. I now hav a new habit.. opened my eyes and the 1st thing I will reach out for will be my pack of cigs. I think now tht the only effective painkiller will be steroids i guess.Ahakz... yet I still can't afford to go for treatments. I still hav so much to do... tht I do not even knw where to begin. But I live my life, as always, one small steps at a time, doin everything humanly possible. As such, I am prone to mistakes, mistakes tht I always try to learn frm and rectify to ensure tht it will never happen again.

Life is never EZ. But as i've always known, to sum individuals, they are gifted witout knwin the meaning of hardship or the sayin tht life is a struggle. Me? I'm not a pessimistic person, merely a realist wif a very humble sense of my own mortality and achievements. I live my life day by day, tackling each sets of my never ending problem when I knw I'm capable of tackling it. Coz I knw my own stengths and weaknesses.

I've always wanted the simple life. Juz merely enuf for my luved ones sustenance and myself. Always wanted to be wif my luved ones...

For it is my luved ones tht reminds me why I open up my eyes day after day, no matter how much pain i hav to endure.

15:39
Shah

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Here, Right Now.
Friday, September 09, 2005

Can one man makes a difference?
There's always this question at the back of my mind. When I am alone. When I am faced wif adversity. I always wanted to be remembered. For all the good tht I had done. I always wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be remembered as the guy who had done good, tryin to make those ppl arnd him happy. To see smiles etched on their faces becoz of my actions.
Why don't I juz feel that way? There's always this constant sadness in my heart. Reflecting back, time and time again I ask myself.,, Can one man makes a difference? Hav any of them remember me fondly? Or will I fade into nothingness, a legacy of my darkside left behind...?
Tht's wht happenin wif the world nowadays. Bein remembered of ur atrocity. Of sum idiot who foul mouthed u and those brainless ppl believin every word of it despite seein tht person so hard tryin to do good. Itz easier to blieve in sumthng bad abt tht person than good isn't it?
Why?
And i always remembered Azrul. His neverending enthusiasm. His cute botak head. Yeah... i feel its unfair tht he had to pass away at such a young age. Juz like how I use to feel it was so unfair that dad had to go when i was only 11. Yet.. all these ppl.. i always remember them. All the good thngs they hav done to me.
Will I be remembered in the same breath? Or will I fade into nothingness?
All this while.. i still livin my life honourin their memory. Not many will remembered a kid who died of cancer. No one will remember a gerl who died of a tragic motor accident. And ultimately, not many will remember my kind doin.. my sacrifices.
But i've promised... But the weiht of it.. grows heavier wif each passin day.

01:30
Shah

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