"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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A New Day Has Come...
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
A new day has come.
Yeah, tht's the 1st thing tht crossed my mind when I opened my eyes. Today is gona be a long day... lets see.. laundry, breakfast thn household chores and of course the thing tht i've been dreading. Today I hav to confront my monumental problem tht's been plaquing my since last mid jan 06. Dammit. I'm not lookin 4ward to see tht muther***** face and his equally MatKotai's ****** face. Well, like my sis used to tell me, even though we hate doin sumthing, its our responsibility to just get it done and over with. At least I hav my sis with me. Coz if itz up to me, I'm really tempted to show a demo of how violent I can get. Tsk tsk.. such useless display of macho crappola. Cum on shah... lets be professional and efficient. Violent tantrums and voices raised very rarely get things done. Remember wht mum told u.... fire wif fire juz make a bigger bonfire. Really? Sumtimes when U use water to fight fire... especially on oil... the fire juz get bigger. Lets hope tht ****** irresponsible guy is not tht slimy n greasy.
Sigh... its not our problem in the 1st place. All becoz of a very irresposible, gutless and argh... i can think of endless unpleasant descriptions of tht sorry xcuse of a dirty old man whose already gona be 60+ who still thinks he's a young man. I'm so ashamed to admit tht he's related to me. Revolting really.
Allrite shah, lets get ur act together and reign in ur anger. But I swear... if tht MatKotai look at me up n down again he's gonna get it. Cant believe he even tried to put his moves on my sis. Thx god my sis already so disgusted with tht MatKotai niway. Really hard to believe his a local wif a face and outfit like tht.
Today is gona be a long day. I cant wait to get this done and over with. Didnt manage to catch anything yesterday nite... the wind and the current was too strong. At least Maya learned how to do long range casting. She's really a fast learner... I juz showed her the correct method thrice and thn she's already practising on her own. Impressive really. Its really hard to find a lady angler. Guess when she starts bringin in sizeable fighting fishes she's hooked on it too. Really had a wonderful evening yesterday. Guess hav to counter it wif a rotten one today. What a bummer.
Breakfast time. Hopefully I wont be hammering the keyboard on my next update to vent away my pent up anger later. Hmm.. I feel better already.. guess its true wht sum ppl say... bloggin is like a subtle form of therapy.
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Drive Baby!
Monday, February 27, 2006
I'd like to think tht I'm living a happy, trouble free life.
Who doesnt want to live their life tht way? Enjoyin life.. doin things tht U've always wanted... free of responsibilities and worries. Everyday is a sunny day... everyday is just so happening and full of laughs and new things to do and discover. There is no such thing as friends with alterior motives and very unpleasant ppl.
I am like tht when I'm with my close knit of friends and luved ones. For a moment I can let my guard down and honestly be myself. Ahakz... be myself. That means lettin down the serius shah and let my inner child go free. Tht's when I'm more of an irritant and thts my tademark tht those closest to me only knws. Cant xactly said they r tht thrilled though.. they often see the serius side of me tht the real me kinda put them off balance.
Yeah... clear blue sunny skies and wind against my face. I've always luv tht. Makes me feel tht I am free.. or maybe I can let my imagination run wild tht I am flyin, soarin thru the open skies. Sumtimes I wish I can sky dive. I also luv the open wide blue ocean and the endless horizon. Its realy soothing on my eyes and my mind feels so much open... not crammed wif so much thoughts and personal problems juz waiting to be solved.
Its really luvly juz to walk round the neighbourhood early in the mornin. I luv ppl watching. Its intresting to see other ppl leading their own different life. I would often wonder like how'd it be like if I were in their shoes... seeing students on their way to skool and countless adults all rushin to the bus stop wif tht hectic look on their faces. On one or two would calmly be sitting down readin newspaper or smokin their ciggerate wif a relaxed calm look on their faces. The morning rush...
As much as i'd like to think tht I'm livin a happy, trouble free life, I am not tht fortunate. I'd like to believe tht no one is tht problem free. I mean cum on... too trouble free and its like boating in the dead stagnant water. But then again, prolonged boating in the rough n tumble water results in sea sickness...
Life is so complicated... though sumtimes, when I found a solution to my problems, i'd ruefully realized tht sumtimes its not tht complicated. Problems tht u once thought the solution so elusive turns out to be so simple tht u'd wonder wht took u so long to solve them... or sumtimes u'd be so amazed tht the solution is so tht simple. Another moment of epiphany.
I would often leave my problems as it is for the time being. Its useless and ultimately unproductive if I keep mullin abt it 24/7. I often said tht when u stare at the problem too long, u will fail to find the solution. So ther are times when I put my problems aside and go out and enjoy the sounds of birds in the morning and the wonderful fresh air. I like to let my mind roam free.. seeing wide open spaces and just admirin nature's beauty. It is times like these tht makes me realize how short and fragile life is... and in the infinite power of god's benign creations. I would privately muse tht if the world now is already wonderful... I wonder how heaven is like. Yeah right.. heaven. Wake up and smell the flowers shah.
As it is, my problems still hang like an albatross round my neck. My mind desperate to find both short term and long term solution. For the 1st time in my life... I feel in a complete loss. Its like damn if i do and damn if i dont. It cant be this way. I refuse to believe tht there is no solution at all. There muz be a way, its juz tht its hidden for now. I want to believe that.
On a brighter side not... my stomach pain is gettin better now. I was in xcruciatin pain for the past two days and was almost warded for it. I am no stranger to pain... but who wants to be in pain 24/7. It seems to me my righteous decision to quit smokin is causing me buttloads of pain. Ahakz... serve u right for takin it up in the 1st place. This is wht u kol short term gain and long term loss. Niway, today is such a wonderful sunny day. After runnning up all my errands n chores.... i'm spending the better part of the evening fishin. Yahoo!
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Its ok, I'm Allright With It...
Sunday, February 26, 2006
I do not hav all the answers.
Why izzit ppl says tht I do? Think. If I do hav all the answers, thn why I am the way I am? I never claimed tht I am a perfect person. Neither hav I claimed tht I am a good guy. No one is perfect, least of all me.
I never claimed to hav all the answers. I merely live my life by my set of principles tht I hav developed over the years based on my life xperiences. Principles like "Good things cum to those who wait" or "Treat ppl like how u'd like to be treated" and good begets good and vice versa. I believe in retribution. I believe in hope and the controversial faith.
Redemption. I paused and reflect on the meaning of tht word. One's opinion is open to own believe and their own grasp of understanding. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Who can rightfully say tht he's right and he's wrong? Even twins differ in fingermarks and tastes despite their identical appearance.
I live my life with what I believe. U cant do sumthing right if U dont believe it wholeheartedly. Hw can I kol myself honest if I do sumthing for the sake of doin it? I can pray but its useless if my heart is not open to it.
Its funny. Most ppl only raise their hands in prayer when in dire need of help or when they r knee deep in adversity. Yet, whn things r goin their way, they forget abt god. They forget to raise their hands in prayer for thankfullness. Yet, when in trouble again, they will do that again.. and again, the cycle goes on.
why do sumthing when ur heart is not into it? For the sake of doin it and get it done and over with? Hw many times I hav witness such xamples? Ppl rushin thru their Fri and terawih prayers? Or while in their prayers their thoughts amok wif matters like wht to eat or wht they gona do after werk etc etc?
I used to cum across a very startling xample. A faithless man came to a holy barber for a haircut. As the barber trimmed his hair, he, the faithless man, asked why is there such a god tht leave ppl in poverty, misery and suffering. Why god let there be so much despair, sadness, hatred and violence? The holy barber juz kept quiet, for he did not want to invoke the man's wrath and havin no good answer to giv a faithless, disbelieving man. The man continued tht there is no god tht he can see.
When the faithless man leaves, the holy barber comtemplated the man's obviously wrong and slanted statements. Then, as if by god's graces, an answer walked past him.
My goodman... looked at tht person. See his long, unkept shaggy hair? He can see tht I am a barber and tht is my shop. Why don't he cum and see me for a haircut? Same wif most ppl in this world my good man. They knw where to find god... itz juz tht they don't look for him....
Tht got me thinking. How true. I was a good alim guy once. A long time ago. But sumthing terrible happened. Sumthing so terrible tht shattered my faith and altered my perceptions. Should i write this down in this journal? What if.. sumone... or a group of ppl tht supposed to embody xcellent personified of my religious faith showed otherwise? Hyprocrisy and lust. I stumbled into the night... so long ago... my faith and principles crumbling into dust. Its like my solid wooden foundations were being weakened by termites frm within. I so remembered vividly now. The hot feeling of anger burning in my heart and the burning shame on my face. The bitter taste of betrayal in my mouth and searing tears of sadness in my eyes. I was so naive and gullible. I was let down by the very ppl who's supposed to be upholding the ideals of my faith. That night... I resolved. If the light failed to giv me solace, and I will find alternatives in the darkness. Found I hav. I will not be naive and gullible again.
I remembered sharing my turnin point to sumone tht I knw back then. She said these simple words to me... "God spare me the knwledge tht can kill a man's soul" Prove me wrong then. Show me concrete proof of my mistake and make me believe. Belief is the strongest hope. Since then I hav came across many ppl like i am. Ppl tht's so lost in the darkness... yet can recite and memorise the holy book like the back of their fingers. Ppl tht do so many good things yet choose to wear a very dark mask. These are kindred spritiy tht earned my respect And there are also ppl tht are well... lets just say vice versa.
I dont hav all the answers. I am not Mr Knw It All or Mr Right or whatever shit. I am merely livin my life the way I see fit. I nvr said I'm a good man. I'm wif my own dreams, desires and fallibilities. I am only human. I liv my own life the wif my own belief shaped by the encounters in my life. But I firmly believe, when the time cums, I will change. But tht change requires me believing it deep down in my heart. Its pointless to change for the sake of changing for sumone or for trying to impress tht sumone. At the end of the day, U hav ur own self to answer to. I am not a hyprocrite. I am not a liar. Least of all I am not a good alim guy. Only those closest to me knw the path tht I walk.
Its been close to two weeks now. Maybe more. I hav quit smokin. I gav it up becoz of my own beliefs... I firmly believe its for my own good. Wif tht belief results in iron conviction. I hav endured asthma, a very bad flu and even worse coughing. But the worse if over now, I merely hav to endure wif certain cravings after meals.
There are still things tht I need to settle... so many things demanding my attention. But I take things one at a time, the most improtant ones 1st and the trivial ones just slide my shoulders. Why worry of things tht I hav no power to change?
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Its Not As Simple To Just Walk Away...
Monday, February 06, 2006
Walking away. Its typical of what most ppl would do when in trouble. Ignore the problem, dun get involved and just turn a blind eye. Hey its not my problem... why must it be mine in the 1st place? Let sumone else handle it.. let it be their problem. Perhaps if I ignore it long enough the problem will juz go away.
Well. its not tht simple. I sat alone in this darkened room, my mind reeling frm the problems fate sumhow heaped upon my family n me. An old complaint tht continues to haunt us while in a while. Its been on my mind these couple of days. Its been many days.. almost weeks in fact, tht I hav spent tryin to find the solution.
Lotsa can happen in such a short span of time. Always, things u thought u had figured it out reverts back to being an enigma. this few weeks hav shown more n more the true colours of frienship and just how deep blood runs. Family before others. The bonds of frienship. There's so many things on my mind tht I often sit alone in my dark room, eyes closed wif the events of the past few weeks replaying in my mind's eye.
What is the defination of frienship? I thought I had figured it out. I thought tht family ties are much, much more. I hav seen the consequences of neglected responsibility. Perhaps he thought tht if he can ignore his own responsibility, tht responsibility will fall on sumone else's shoulders. How irresponsible of him. How ironic.
Perhaps the reason why most ppl wont help because they too hav their own responsibilities to shoulder. Who can say tht one person hav more responsibilty than the other? How do we gauge the burden on one's shoulder? There's a sayin in malay, tht a person's responibilty is much heavier than we can see or hear, tht it is much heavier for the person who is shouldering it.
The bonds of frienship. Sum swear tht friendship is everything. Over the years, I hav seen many kinds of friendship and luv. Sum claim frienship when evrything is allrite, yet flee when the person is in dire need of help. The biggest killer of frienship is money, while the biggest killer of luv in passion is lust. Throw in hyprocrisy and backstabbing in the two and u get the recipe for hatred tht breeds distrust in others. Then the cycle goes on and on, like a domino effect.
Its sad and funny really. I hav been thru many frienship and luv relationship tht failed repeatedly. Again and again till I thought I hav grown seasoned to it. Developed ways to counter tht. Well, I was wrong. Though I was naive back then, I still make mistake. Often I would rack my brains on ways on how to help those I named as my close friends. I put words into actions.
Butthen, every once in awhile, I decided to test the bond of frienship. Sum went awol. Sum said comforting words of help... and tht is juz tht. Empty words and an emptier circle of friend. Its like if I am a cartoon character and when I said 'Help!' The crowd around me will juz go 'kaput!' and disappears in a cloud of smoke.
But I am no stranger to tht. Over the years, I hav learned time and time again to be independant and self-reliant. I get my own things done and I am used to bein by myself. Indeed... certain problems can only be solved by my own hands. Friends can only do so much. Friends... tht word sumtimes leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. And for me... word is cheap. Anyone can say this n tht.. but to back it up wif action? Hah!
I guess friendship these days means havin the good time together and disappears like the mornin dew in the sun when it cums to problems. Yep, I despise these ppl. They dun earn my respect, much less my trust.
Now though, i continue to try find the solution to my problems. Ther must be a way, a correct way tht's obscurred frm my eyes. I take things one at a time, day by day. Whatever tomorrow brings, I will meet it wif open arms and open eyes. After all, every problem is juz god's way to make me a much better person.
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The Answer to the 3 Question Personality test
Sunday, February 05, 2006
| Your Personality Is |
You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented. Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader. You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do. You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them! |
| Your Love Element Is Earth |
 In love, you have consistency and integrity. For you, love is all about staying grounded and centered. You attract others with your zest for life and experiences. Your flirting style is defined by setting the scene, creating a unique moment in time. Steady progress and stability are the cornerstones of your love life. You may take things too slowly, but you never put your heart at risk. You connect best with: Fire Avoid: Wood You and another Earth element: need each other too much to build a good foundation |