Chronicles of Shah

Nothing is ever constant in life. What U think U hav figured it out often would test ur belief, ur faith and principles. Tht is my belief. Lookin back over the years of my life, I hav lived my life according to wht I belief. Tht belief being shaped by xperience at tht stage of my life. Experience tempered by wisdom. And I'd pause and reflect.. am I right or wrong? I never stopped reflecting on myself to the point tht I'm in a state of self adsorbtion.

I was once told to remember back the moment of my life tht marked the turnin point of my life. Let it be an xperience tht altered my perception of the world or the person tht changed ur life. Walking along the dark path by the beach, hands stuffed in my jacket, I was hit wif a slew of memories like an amnesiac man suddenly regained his lost memories. Overwhelmed, my eyes misted wif tears as waves of despair, sadness and loss hit me like a bucket of cold water. I tried to shut it out, but it continues to haunt me. Its as though all those sad and bitter memories were forcing out of the deepest recesses of my mind, like a floodgate once opened, its damned near impossible to close. I tried to force myself to remember all the sweet memories instead, but was surprised to find it so lil. Those few also leading to the events tht ended in tragedies, compounding my despair and sadness even more. For only it reminds me of the life tht I used to hav and then lost.

I realized thn there was no single event tht changed my life. I keep changing.. each change ignited by tragedy. Change is only constant.

That is the universal truth. If I am to say I am still the same shah, I'd be lying. True, physically I dont change much, wounds and scars do heal. I notice tht at times my scar seems to be more prominent when I look in the mirror, and sumtimes, I can barely notice it at all.

Change is like a snake shedding its skin. I can clearly remember the times when I was so lost, when I was weak and pathetic. My moments of weakness when I break down and weep alone. I cried against the injustice and the feeling of being powerless to do sumthing abt it.

When xactly had I turned to the path of darkness? I wasnt this way at all. When my dad passed away, I was a good alim guy. EVerything I did back then, it was what dad would hav xpected of me. Naive? Idealist? Yeah tht pretty sums up the word.

But then a series of unfortunate events happened to me and to my family. I embraced the darkness, for I was bitter and angry at the world. IF the light couldnt giv me the peace and solace I seek, perhaps the darkness will. But I guess I was so long lost in the darkness, tht I hav forgotten the reason why I came ther in the 1st place.

I AM not darkness incarnate. I am not without redemption. Sumtimes, when U look at the problem too long, u fail to see the answer beneath it. When U look at the light too long, u get blinded. And when U r the darkness too long, the light causes u pain.

I kept convincing those who juz made my acquitance of the 'real' me. That I am not as good as they think I am. I wanted them to stay away frm me. Run away frm 'bad' influence. That I am always up to no good. For indeed, most of the time, I am. I am not xactly what parents call role model.

"You'll never knw,

How much pride I hold in my heart

For the person you are and the things you do

For ur strength and ur gentleness,

Your courage and ur determination,

Your accomplishments and ur dreams."

That was wht she wrote for me on my bday card. Those who knw me skindeep, they'll be puking their guts out and wif incredulity on their face. Her words kept echoing in my mind. I thought I am indeed beyond redemption. I thought I was darkness incarnate. I tried so very hard of tryin to convince ppl tht I am. All these while I was hoping to be proved wrong. To see those who run away frm me cum back and say "Nice try shah, u r not as black hearted as u say u r. Your tainted past is not who u r, but what u do tht defines you."

Indeed, this is how I screen my frenz. A simple test of true friendship and the measure of a person's wisdom and maturity, like a litmus test for alkaline or acid. Those tht can see the real me benath my facade, r those whom I consider real and down to earth tht earned my respect. For indeed these are very special ppl whom r pure of heart.

Those words were like a wake up kol to me. Like a short sighted person given his glasses for the 1st time. Things tht were blurred looked sharper now. Looking back at my life now, I could indeed see my redeeming qualities. It was only I who chose not to remember my deeds. My field journal were more proof of tht. The other volunteers wrote my redeeming qualities inside. More importantly, her words are now constant reminder tht my heart do not beat black.

A short moment of epiphany tht answered years of lookin. Indeed, I realized now tht the only ppl in my life now are those ppl tht are special. Ppl tht posses the maturity and courage to be true to their own selves. For I hav weeded out those pretenders and hypocrites. Farewell and good riddance.

For I am now in good company. Those who hav done me good. That hav made me think and reflect my own self coz they hav showed me how. Showed the courage to speak out and show me the way. Thank you, frm the bottom of my heart. They have showed me the beginning of the way, I juz hav to walk it myself. I am not alone. I want to believe that.

Dad, wherever u are, if U can indeed see me, i hope u r proud of me. And for u... I want to believe tht you hav forgiven me all those years ago. I live so tht I can atone for all tht I hav done...

"Come and take a walk with me...

I need you to come and take a walk with me.

I need for you to feel what I'm going thru

And see what I see, if u gt time to take a walk with me.

Wait a minute now I knw u r bz,

But take the time out to walk with me

Pay attention on this walk with me,

Maybe I'm seeing sumthing wrong

Come along and make sure with me

Come and take a short walk with me.

I'm seeing a couple of things wrong with the way I'm living,

So come and walk with me I juz need a second opinion.

Introduce you to my friends I got to see if you notice

If they loyal or if they all got an alterior motive.

See to me its heavy, but to you it may seem petty.

Lets continue walking, I knw you aint tired already."

'Walk With Me' Joe Budden

21:38
Shah

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Unforeseen, Unexpected and Unknown
Friday, January 13, 2006

Time is running out...

Tht's always on my mind nowadays. I feel like there's a clock ticking inside me... a timer tht I can't see, but steadily ticking away as sure as the sun rise and sets. This is clearly evident... everything around me is going on as normal, though the clock is sumhow accelarated when I'm not lookin.

Already, 2005 is already behind me, here I am thinking as though 2004 was yesterday and I hav skipped directly to 2006. 2005 was like a blur, and my bday was just yesterday's dream. I would privately muse tht I'd be celebrating by 25th bday by next week.

24... tht's like the hangman's noose tightening round my neck. Already? Its life's many ironies tht I used to fervently hope to grow up faster faster back then, to leave the trappings of childhood behind into the wonderful freedom of an adult.

Tht was before I knw the price of being an adult. Namely, the heavy weight of responsibilities. Note the plural of tht word. And the consequences of every made decisions. Here I am, an adult desperately wishin tht I am juz a child.

24.. its like 24 hours, seven days a week and 365 days a year. Wistful thinking on my part when I mused how's its like if I were to hav a remote control tht dominates time, much like ur dvd remote control at home. Pause, rewind and fastforward. Well, guess there's always the child in this 24 year old body.

Often times, the most significant gift is not necessarily the most expensive nor the biggest. But rather, the most simplest thing tht I myself was ignorant of its significance. Neither do I realized how much I luved and how much I wanted it.

A simple toy model. Tht was what I received for my 24th bday. A gift more suited for a seven or even 11 year old child. Why izzit tht I was so happy and overjoyed wif such an obviously underaged gift for sumone like me?

I remembered tht moment as I ripped the wrappings apart, much like an overeager and energetic child might make, heedless of the mess he's abt to create, in a restaurant of all places. There, the small red and white BANDAI and a miniature pic of the Duel Gundam on the box. I suddenly had this flashback more than a decade ago, my dad smiling broadly as he presented to me a box of self-assembly required model of a state of the art jetfighter. My dad knw of my affinity for things tht r mechanical in nature. I juz luv tinkerin and putting together frm nothing to sumthing.

I covered my momentary sadness of tht memory wif joy... She juz gav me sumthing tht I thought I hav forgotten and lost. A gift symbolic of the life I once had. A childhood luv tht I had to abandon out of necessity. Its amazing how much xcitement I still hav in me staring at tht toy replica of a model. Like standing infront of a motorcycle showcase of the latest sportsbike and daydreaming I'm behind the machine riding it.

I remembered the countless times I would often be attracted to shops tht sells replicas of bikes, cars, mechas and countless other mechanical stuffs. I would stare longingly at every model, noting every lil details like its wonderfully matched paint jobs, every lil dents and scratches of battle damage tht makes it so lifelike. In my minds eye I can see myself ruffling my hair at times when I'm havin difficulty putting sum parts together and squinting my eyes at the manual trying to ensure if I hav missed sum steps.

I would then force myself away, thinking tht I hav outgrown them, when the truth was I was longing to get my hands on them. But as usual, my rational mind whispered tht I'd rather not waste money and time for it, for it sees tht I hav always sumthing more responsible to do tht needs my attention. And I hav never voice out tht I wish to it either.

Sum ppl do pay attention to lil details and hear wht's not being said. These are the ppl tht would see the real hidden value tht most are ignorant. For me, well, I was juz given a symbolic gift of a life tht I thought I had lost and forgotten. And I cant xpress my gratitude enough for tht.

Its been raining non stop these past few days. Hearing the rain constantly pelting against the windows and the swish-swash of wheels on wet roads. The cold sent shivers down my spine, like the feel of cold metal against the warm skin. Its like despair itself embraces u... and the colour tht U can see is grey, leeched of all warmth and vibrant.

I spent the long moments of inactivity blog hoppin and tinking. Its funny... all of us wished to be understood and lashed out in frustration when bein misunderstood. There are as many blogs as there are as many ppl. As many different patterns, style and stories as many as different hair colours and dyes.

But I guess thts for another entry, right now, for the 1st time in many days...I can see the sun and I think my ride can sure need sum washin in this splendid weather. It will be such a waste to stay indoors. Hah! Looks like I hav already realized how much I took the light, sunny sun for granted. DarKSidE indeed...

14:40
Shah

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