"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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The Enemy of MY Enemy Is my FRIEND
Friday, August 12, 2005
Balance in all things. The Ying & The Yang.
These few weeks has been spent cleaning up my closet and basically all aspects of my life. Ever since returning frm Sri Lanka on my relief efforts.. I can feel the changes taking over me, bof spritually, mentally and physically. I treasure and keep everything tht I feel is good, while discarding and the bad, rotten ones to where they belong.
Indeed, why rain when it can monsoon? Change is only constant. Perhaps its my mistake to be associated wif ppl called YPs and possers, pretending to be sumthing tht they r not and basically juz askin.. no begging for attention. Its funny. Ppl hav eyes but couldn't see. Hav mentally faculties but didn't use it. And always for the wrong means.
I am not a perfect person. Neither am I the smartest nor the strongest. Neither do I hav all the answers. But one thing I do knw, tht I am constantly learning and emulating role models tht r good. Hav u ever heard the saying in malay? Yang baik dicontohi, yang buruk DIJAUHI? Layman terms.. Follow the good examples and distance urself frm the unworthy and rotten.
As once Zam, my bro and early mentor advised me, "Shah, do u knw the meaning of frenship? Its more than juz havin plain, good ole fun 2gether. Its more than juz bein ther for ur fren in times of need. The measure of a fren is mutual respect. Respect a good advice when u hear one and follows it. And the matured mentality to do the RIGHT thing. Age is not a measure of maturity. Its the hardship he had endured and the means of how tht person overcum it. Wht for u keep a friend whose full of hypocrisy and doin things tht u advised NOT doin? Tht 'frend' will cause u nothing but anger, pain and disappointment. Best leave this type of ppl, alone. Let them dig their own grave. U deserve better than havin these type of ppl arnd u. They don't deserve a fren like ur caliber."
Armed wif the wisdom my bro and mentor had imparted, I started weeding out the unworthy. Yes, I hav many acquintances frm all waltz of life. But close frenz.. only a handful. I'd rather hav a handfull beside me when I am in need, rather than to hav a 1000 frenz only to find no ONE beside me when I need them.
Time and time again I found my mentor's wisdom to be true. Now I no longer feel so much remorse and disappointment. For I know who my frenz and luved ones are. They are indeed special ppl tht deserve the honour to be called a fren. And more.
DarKSidE. I hav always let my would be frenz knw the nature of my past. Let the worst stare them into their eyes to see if they run away. If they hav the mental maturity, they can appreciate and empathise wht i hav been thru, and let their xpecience wif me be the judge. For they will see tht everything is NOT always wht it seem. For the weakest light shines all the brighter in the darkest of darkness.
Its funny. Ppl always claim to be sumthing they r not. False angel. Perhaps this type of ppl REALLY need to look themselves in the mirror. But like another malay sayin "Jgn mencerminkan diri di air yang keruh." Neh, these type of ppl NEVER learns. I hav so much things to do and so lil time than to waste my breath explainin myself the WHY, BECOZ and WHEN. They are their own worst punisher.
I am, and will always be Shah DarKSidE. I never deny tht. I embrace it. And only a select few will ever appreciate my self integrity and honour. For I am only human.
The guy sat, alll alone at the void deck, a lighted cigratte in hand starring at his bloved bike. His old bike, not the new one. He knws dat sooner or later, he has to put her away into storage. But he remembered all that they hav gone thru 2gether. He reflected back, remembered wht he had done. All the good things. He no longer help those who don't asked or wished to be helped. Never again. Now he only helps those whom he thinks are worthy. And distancing himself frm the rest.
"God... if I'm truly in the wrong, show me the error of my ways so that I may learn to be a better person so tht history never again repeats itself. But if I were in the right, pls then show tht person their error in the only way u knw wht's best for them. Amin."
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Black, Black Heart
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Am I a fool thinking tht sumhow I can change the world? Can one man makes a difference?
There were indeed times when I thought I was makin progress. As I had always said, no one man can make great things.. but rather, lil things wif great luv. That perhaps the most significant step is the act of doin tht deed wif the most simplest and noble intention. never once did I do sumthing good in the hope that I can gain sumthing frm it. Far frm it. All i ever wanted.. was to make dad proud.. as he had thought me to do the morally right things. Helpin ppl... and gainin pahala in the process. Redemption.
But I guess.. wht he didn't tell me was to help the ppl tht REALLY needed and ASKED to be helped. How could I be so misguided? So arrogantly and callously assume tht sumone needed help when they didn't asked to be helped? Initiative perhaps?
So wht do u call a fren.. thts supposed to be ur fren when he stood up for a fren tht has insulted him... ? And goin against the very fren tht gav him the opportunity to redeem his self-respect? Wht do u kol tht?
I grow wearry. And wht do u do when sumone call u names based on total baseless accusations and misguidedness? Will u juz suffer in silence or retalliate, standing for whts right? Even though u pay a heavy price tht costs a frenship and making that person who accused u loose her self respect in the eyes of others?
So I did wht I thought was right. I defended my honour. The price is paid of losing sumone I thought was my fren. And the honour of tht person who accosted me. Wht choice do i hav? If u sow the seed, then u muz prepare to reap the whirlwind. Let a sleepin guy alone.. lest u stir up a hornet's nests of anger.
That has always been my policy. Never mistook my silence and compassion as a sign of weakness. She obviously.. not only she but the rest of my collegue were silent witness of my rightoeous anger. Brave knwin tht I am right.. fear knwin if I were in the wrong.
I rode home alone feelin the weight of resposibilities heavy on my shoulders. Tim and time again I made many compromises. For the sake of this.. for the sake of that. No more. If compassion and empathey get me nowhere....
Then perhaps hatred will. I almost forgot how it feels like to embrace the darkness and let it drives me... Let the end justify the means. Can one man makes a difference? There were indeed times that I am makin progress. And there were indeed times when I lost all hope in the ppl arnd me. And this is one of those times.
There were indeed times when I thought I was makin progress. As I had always said, no one man can make great things.. but rather, lil things wif great luv. That perhaps the most significant step is the act of doin tht deed wif the most simplest and noble intention. never once did I do sumthing good in the hope that I can gain sumthing frm it. Far frm it. All i ever wanted.. was to make dad proud.. as he had thought me to do the morally right things. Helpin ppl... and gainin pahala in the process. Redemption.
But I guess.. wht he didn't tell me was to help the ppl tht REALLY needed and ASKED to be helped. How could I be so misguided? So arrogantly and callously assume tht sumone needed help when they didn't asked to be helped? Initiative perhaps?
So wht do u call a fren.. thts supposed to be ur fren when he stood up for a fren tht has insulted him... ? And goin against the very fren tht gav him the opportunity to redeem his self-respect? Wht do u kol tht?
I grow wearry. And wht do u do when sumone call u names based on total baseless accusations and misguidedness? Will u juz suffer in silence or retalliate, standing for whts right? Even though u pay a heavy price tht costs a frenship and making that person who accused u loose her self respect in the eyes of others?
So I did wht I thought was right. I defended my honour. The price is paid of losing sumone I thought was my fren. And the honour of tht person who accosted me. Wht choice do i hav? If u sow the seed, then u muz prepare to reap the whirlwind. Let a sleepin guy alone.. lest u stir up a hornet's nests of anger.
That has always been my policy. Never mistook my silence and compassion as a sign of weakness. She obviously.. not only she but the rest of my collegue were silent witness of my rightoeous anger. Brave knwin tht I am right.. fear knwin if I were in the wrong.
I rode home alone feelin the weight of resposibilities heavy on my shoulders. Tim and time again I made many compromises. For the sake of this.. for the sake of that. No more. If compassion and empathey get me nowhere....
Then perhaps hatred will. I almost forgot how it feels like to embrace the darkness and let it drives me... Let the end justify the means. Can one man makes a difference? There were indeed times that I am makin progress. And there were indeed times when I lost all hope in the ppl arnd me. And this is one of those times.
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Mirroring Myself
Monday, August 01, 2005
It never fails to move me everytime I gaze into tht photo. A last pic taken wif dad n me when I was only 11 years old...
The dead of the nite. It always amazes me that I am often most at ease when ridin all alone at nite. The wind against my body... the chillin coldness tht penetrates thru my jacket. And of course.. the welcumin darkness. It is often durin these time tht memories always find me. Dun worry, though I am immersed in my memo, my senses are always aware n alert of any potential road hazards.
Ironic. That I am most at ease when I might be in the most potential dangerous time. Wht is wrong wif me? Why can't I juz listen to my mum n sis? Am I tht reckless and stubborn? Lookin back now.. it IS my stubborness tht often got my into fights wif my mum n sis. but why.. why can't they juz leave me be?Can't they see tht my actions are always the last resort... makin the most out of a potentially bad situation wif the best of intentions? Becoz of this, in the eyes of my family.. I am seen as the antoginistic one... the bad son.
I am whatever you say I am...
Memories. The one thing tht never fails me. A blessin and a curse. I can remember every detail.. every sound.. every emotion. Betrayal... anger... hatred. The darkest of human emotions. How can I find redemption?
No one can feel this torment inside me. Of this terrible, weary sadness. How can I redeem myself in the eyes of my family? For all that i hav done? "The longest journey begins wif small steps" But am i any progress? Or am I merely takin a step forward, then two steps back?
How can they understand me whn even I myself can't find the rite words? That sumtimes I hav to do sum necessary evil for the greater good? That the end results justify whtever means?
I am only human. I too hav emotions, though I rarely bare my soul. Wht they see, iz wht their eyes can see on the surface. Not underneath it.
If compassion, love and empathy gets me nowhere... then perhaps burnin hatred will.
Perhaps tht's the reason why I am very foreboreding and brooding. Never at peace, for my mind constantly search for alternative, less negative means to reach the end result. One that can bring me a step closer to the light.
Balance in All things. I am always learnin... always listenin n observin. For it is all that I hav left...
The dead of the nite. It always amazes me that I am often most at ease when ridin all alone at nite. The wind against my body... the chillin coldness tht penetrates thru my jacket. And of course.. the welcumin darkness. It is often durin these time tht memories always find me. Dun worry, though I am immersed in my memo, my senses are always aware n alert of any potential road hazards.
Ironic. That I am most at ease when I might be in the most potential dangerous time. Wht is wrong wif me? Why can't I juz listen to my mum n sis? Am I tht reckless and stubborn? Lookin back now.. it IS my stubborness tht often got my into fights wif my mum n sis. but why.. why can't they juz leave me be?Can't they see tht my actions are always the last resort... makin the most out of a potentially bad situation wif the best of intentions? Becoz of this, in the eyes of my family.. I am seen as the antoginistic one... the bad son.
I am whatever you say I am...
Memories. The one thing tht never fails me. A blessin and a curse. I can remember every detail.. every sound.. every emotion. Betrayal... anger... hatred. The darkest of human emotions. How can I find redemption?
No one can feel this torment inside me. Of this terrible, weary sadness. How can I redeem myself in the eyes of my family? For all that i hav done? "The longest journey begins wif small steps" But am i any progress? Or am I merely takin a step forward, then two steps back?
How can they understand me whn even I myself can't find the rite words? That sumtimes I hav to do sum necessary evil for the greater good? That the end results justify whtever means?
I am only human. I too hav emotions, though I rarely bare my soul. Wht they see, iz wht their eyes can see on the surface. Not underneath it.
If compassion, love and empathy gets me nowhere... then perhaps burnin hatred will.
Perhaps tht's the reason why I am very foreboreding and brooding. Never at peace, for my mind constantly search for alternative, less negative means to reach the end result. One that can bring me a step closer to the light.
Balance in All things. I am always learnin... always listenin n observin. For it is all that I hav left...