"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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I am... am I?
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Its been close to 12 years dad. 12 years since u had left us. In tht span of time, I thought wif time all wound heals. Well, perhaps it does... bt it left me with a very deep scar tht still throbbed wif pain once in a while.
Often, when I am alone, I would muse wht would life be like if u were still alive. Will I be like wht I am now? Or would I juz be another pain in ur side? Still tht rude, stubborn foul mouthed brat. Its funny dad... one thing I learn in life is tht it often takes a great tragedy and a greater amount of regret to ultimately push tht person to change for the better. But sumtimes, tht same amnt of regret can also push a person down the road of self destruction.
Both road I hav travelled. But often... it was my memory of u tht would ultimately push me back to the brink of sanity. Wht would u say to me dad if u were still alive?
Day by day... I can remember u... but I feel disconnected sumhow. Ur warmth is juz a distant memory now. Could it be tht I am so far gone into the darkness tht U r ashamed of me? I knw dad... I knw tht I promised tht I would grow up to be the best tht I can be and be this great responsible man tht would take care of the family u hav left behind. Look at me now... uncertain, even lost at times. And still running away frm my responsibilities. Wht a fine son huh?
Well dad... I used to think tht remaining in the light I would be juz like u. Times changed dad. I remembered when I took the path of darkness, I could almost hear ur disapproval. I did tht out of bitterness and anger. I did so out of spite and hatred. I am only human dad. There is only so much I could endure all the injustice and whtever shit ppl throw in my way. Even I am disillusioned wif the principles of ur life tht U had imparted to me while u were still alive.
And xperience is the best teacher to me when u were gone. I did live by ur principles... I still am. There were so many questions tht I wanted to ask. U taught me to live my life doin the morally right. To hold the moral high ground so tht ppl look up and respect u. Tht by helpin ppl... when U were in need they will in turn help u back. And ppl will remember u for all the good deeds u had done.
Well dad, I blieve tht world tht u taught me is but juz a memory now. Its a complete reversal now. Ppl tht mistreats others, inflicting pain and hardship is often loved and remembered fondly. Livin a responsible free happy go lucky is wht ppl want nowadays. Gone are the days when the measure of a man is by the amnt of good deeds he had performed. No... now the measure of a man is by physical appearance and how he conn his way thru.
Now i no longer try to change the world dad. Now i no longer help ppl anymore. Even sum of these ppl tht I had named as my close frenz backstabbed me in the back... worse... i've been let down often by ppl tht I thought was my significant others in the past.
U knw wht makes me so sad dad? U knw wht I often saw in my minds eye if u were still alive? U would still be yelling at me for wht I am now. And I would then retaliate wif voice raised, makin u hurt even more. Look at me now... a far cry frm tht 11 year old boy tht U last saw before u closed ur eyes...
Even sadder knwing wht mum said was true... if U were still alive, a look at me now... all the terrible things tht I had done... u would wish tht u were indeed dead.
Mum sumtimes cry all alone in her room. Tht makes me hate myself even more. More often thn not.. it is becoz of my wrongdoings tht she shed tears. IF u were alive... would I hurt u tht much too? Guess I already did. Itz juz tht I cant see u anymore. All the more reason I hate myself. When tht happens... the more I loose myself into the darkness.
Then why do u do tht u would hav said. Becoz dad... when u r in the light too long, u blinded urself. I hav tried tht path once. It made me look down on these ppl. Ppl who are lost in the darkness are sumtimes real ppl wif shattered hopes and dreams.... they go into the darkness perhaps to find themselves again. Much like me. This is a cruel world dad. Happy endings like those dramas and movies are not real. They r stories trying to make sense... lost ppl who wished tht things would hav ended tht way.
More often thn not dad... life is a struggle tht many never rise again. I am not as strong as u dad. I'm not even half the man u are. Even after all these years.... ppl still respect and remember ur legacy dad.
Sumtimes I dream abt u dad. in tht dream, u are still alive and our family is together like the old days... picknicks and jln2 raya in the family van. Sumtimes I dream we rode together side by side... even fishin together. One of those father and son moments. But then I would wake up... followed by an unnamed sadness knwin itz juz a dream.
I really miss u dad. Sis is always doin the family proud. She's a successful daughter u hav always wanted. A good career... high qualification. I should be juz like her. But no... I am more like a disgrace to the family. I could never show this side of me to them dad. I do not knw why. They wouldnt believe it even if they see it.
All they saw dad, is an irresponsible and uncaring son. I do not let them see tht I'm missin u dad. Always thinkin of u when I am alone. Of findin ways on how I can redeem myself.
Perhaps u can see wht others cant see. Perhaps u can see tht I am still tryin to help ppl. Ppl tht truly deserves it. Perhaps u can see my hidden compassion and kindness. Perhaps u can see tht lil spark of hope in this dark tainted soul. Hahah.. tht's a very BIG perhaps.
I am weary dad. So tired. Its so hard this path I hav choosen. Its even harder to keep this family together. Everybody is driftin away now. Is tht one of ur greatest fear dad? Were u ever afraid tht U will fail as a husband or as a dad?
Coz I am afraid dad. Afraid tht I can never keep tht promise. Afraid tht I will fail as a responsible son. Afraid tht I will fail to redeem myself. I hav so much fear. Sumtimes I wonder if I can ever make u proud.
I really miss u dad. I wished u were here beside me.... givin me advice. I really miss those father and son moments while I was a boy. Remember we used to play badminton and cycle together? Hahah... even when we play monopoly perhaps u knw I let u win? OR when we play checkers u would ruthlessly let me loose and then taught me the winning moves? I even remembered how we gt our hands wif glue wif u tryin to help me assemble tht model toy jet fighter u gt for me on my 11th bday...
I really wished u were there to witness my prize presentation for my PSLE. But then u were already gone...
U knw dad... everytime I win during my silat tournament, I did tht for u. Remember when I 1st joined silat? I was so physically frail.... U've always been there to defend me frm bullies. Now... nobody dares to bully me anymore. And when I went to Sri Lanka in my relief efforts... I did tht to honour ur principles in life dad.... of helpin ppl truly in need.
I wished I could see u. Hug u one last time and tell u of how sorry I am. At least sis managed to treat u out for a nice dinner. Me? Hahah... all i could ever affort to treat u was a 20 cents ice cream. Its not much dad... but it was all tht I had. I wished tht I could be this guy tht u could be proud of. But rest well knwin tht I hav not forgotten u dad. Despite this path of darkness tht I walk, I still live my life wif an innate sense of honour. Still helpin ppl truly in the need and doin goodness tht not many can see.
Goodbye dad. I will visit u frm time to time. U r always in my prayers. U're the greatest dad a son could hav. And thts the reason why I'm still feeling the loss even after all these years. Rest in peace dad.
Often, when I am alone, I would muse wht would life be like if u were still alive. Will I be like wht I am now? Or would I juz be another pain in ur side? Still tht rude, stubborn foul mouthed brat. Its funny dad... one thing I learn in life is tht it often takes a great tragedy and a greater amount of regret to ultimately push tht person to change for the better. But sumtimes, tht same amnt of regret can also push a person down the road of self destruction.
Both road I hav travelled. But often... it was my memory of u tht would ultimately push me back to the brink of sanity. Wht would u say to me dad if u were still alive?
Day by day... I can remember u... but I feel disconnected sumhow. Ur warmth is juz a distant memory now. Could it be tht I am so far gone into the darkness tht U r ashamed of me? I knw dad... I knw tht I promised tht I would grow up to be the best tht I can be and be this great responsible man tht would take care of the family u hav left behind. Look at me now... uncertain, even lost at times. And still running away frm my responsibilities. Wht a fine son huh?
Well dad... I used to think tht remaining in the light I would be juz like u. Times changed dad. I remembered when I took the path of darkness, I could almost hear ur disapproval. I did tht out of bitterness and anger. I did so out of spite and hatred. I am only human dad. There is only so much I could endure all the injustice and whtever shit ppl throw in my way. Even I am disillusioned wif the principles of ur life tht U had imparted to me while u were still alive.
And xperience is the best teacher to me when u were gone. I did live by ur principles... I still am. There were so many questions tht I wanted to ask. U taught me to live my life doin the morally right. To hold the moral high ground so tht ppl look up and respect u. Tht by helpin ppl... when U were in need they will in turn help u back. And ppl will remember u for all the good deeds u had done.
Well dad, I blieve tht world tht u taught me is but juz a memory now. Its a complete reversal now. Ppl tht mistreats others, inflicting pain and hardship is often loved and remembered fondly. Livin a responsible free happy go lucky is wht ppl want nowadays. Gone are the days when the measure of a man is by the amnt of good deeds he had performed. No... now the measure of a man is by physical appearance and how he conn his way thru.
Now i no longer try to change the world dad. Now i no longer help ppl anymore. Even sum of these ppl tht I had named as my close frenz backstabbed me in the back... worse... i've been let down often by ppl tht I thought was my significant others in the past.
U knw wht makes me so sad dad? U knw wht I often saw in my minds eye if u were still alive? U would still be yelling at me for wht I am now. And I would then retaliate wif voice raised, makin u hurt even more. Look at me now... a far cry frm tht 11 year old boy tht U last saw before u closed ur eyes...
Even sadder knwing wht mum said was true... if U were still alive, a look at me now... all the terrible things tht I had done... u would wish tht u were indeed dead.
Mum sumtimes cry all alone in her room. Tht makes me hate myself even more. More often thn not.. it is becoz of my wrongdoings tht she shed tears. IF u were alive... would I hurt u tht much too? Guess I already did. Itz juz tht I cant see u anymore. All the more reason I hate myself. When tht happens... the more I loose myself into the darkness.
Then why do u do tht u would hav said. Becoz dad... when u r in the light too long, u blinded urself. I hav tried tht path once. It made me look down on these ppl. Ppl who are lost in the darkness are sumtimes real ppl wif shattered hopes and dreams.... they go into the darkness perhaps to find themselves again. Much like me. This is a cruel world dad. Happy endings like those dramas and movies are not real. They r stories trying to make sense... lost ppl who wished tht things would hav ended tht way.
More often thn not dad... life is a struggle tht many never rise again. I am not as strong as u dad. I'm not even half the man u are. Even after all these years.... ppl still respect and remember ur legacy dad.
Sumtimes I dream abt u dad. in tht dream, u are still alive and our family is together like the old days... picknicks and jln2 raya in the family van. Sumtimes I dream we rode together side by side... even fishin together. One of those father and son moments. But then I would wake up... followed by an unnamed sadness knwin itz juz a dream.
I really miss u dad. Sis is always doin the family proud. She's a successful daughter u hav always wanted. A good career... high qualification. I should be juz like her. But no... I am more like a disgrace to the family. I could never show this side of me to them dad. I do not knw why. They wouldnt believe it even if they see it.
All they saw dad, is an irresponsible and uncaring son. I do not let them see tht I'm missin u dad. Always thinkin of u when I am alone. Of findin ways on how I can redeem myself.
Perhaps u can see wht others cant see. Perhaps u can see tht I am still tryin to help ppl. Ppl tht truly deserves it. Perhaps u can see my hidden compassion and kindness. Perhaps u can see tht lil spark of hope in this dark tainted soul. Hahah.. tht's a very BIG perhaps.
I am weary dad. So tired. Its so hard this path I hav choosen. Its even harder to keep this family together. Everybody is driftin away now. Is tht one of ur greatest fear dad? Were u ever afraid tht U will fail as a husband or as a dad?
Coz I am afraid dad. Afraid tht I can never keep tht promise. Afraid tht I will fail as a responsible son. Afraid tht I will fail to redeem myself. I hav so much fear. Sumtimes I wonder if I can ever make u proud.
I really miss u dad. I wished u were here beside me.... givin me advice. I really miss those father and son moments while I was a boy. Remember we used to play badminton and cycle together? Hahah... even when we play monopoly perhaps u knw I let u win? OR when we play checkers u would ruthlessly let me loose and then taught me the winning moves? I even remembered how we gt our hands wif glue wif u tryin to help me assemble tht model toy jet fighter u gt for me on my 11th bday...
I really wished u were there to witness my prize presentation for my PSLE. But then u were already gone...
U knw dad... everytime I win during my silat tournament, I did tht for u. Remember when I 1st joined silat? I was so physically frail.... U've always been there to defend me frm bullies. Now... nobody dares to bully me anymore. And when I went to Sri Lanka in my relief efforts... I did tht to honour ur principles in life dad.... of helpin ppl truly in need.
I wished I could see u. Hug u one last time and tell u of how sorry I am. At least sis managed to treat u out for a nice dinner. Me? Hahah... all i could ever affort to treat u was a 20 cents ice cream. Its not much dad... but it was all tht I had. I wished tht I could be this guy tht u could be proud of. But rest well knwin tht I hav not forgotten u dad. Despite this path of darkness tht I walk, I still live my life wif an innate sense of honour. Still helpin ppl truly in the need and doin goodness tht not many can see.
Goodbye dad. I will visit u frm time to time. U r always in my prayers. U're the greatest dad a son could hav. And thts the reason why I'm still feeling the loss even after all these years. Rest in peace dad.
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