"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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The Rider Is Coming
Monday, January 29, 2007
I am shah.
Its time to pay the piper shah. I hav always knwn that. I can only run away for so long. Its about time i stop. So I turn, I gaze upon the specter of the past n look into the shadow of myself. It had no face, yet I can feel the familiar burnin anger n hatred. Yet, it was that hatred n anger that once gave me strength. I had embraced that shadow. The price I paid was compassion n emotion. It was a heavy price. But one that I had to make less I lose myself.
Exaggeration? Who can judge. No one knws this better than myself. I am one who believe the end justify the means. No one cares save myself. I had no one to lean on to. No one I can depend on. I had only myself. If i do not care, then who else will?
What is the nature of betrayal? Is it betrayal when a close fren of yours consort behind ur back to sumone that you used to care? What is friendship? Is it friendship when u help a friend yet that friend accuses you of sumthing that you are not? Or givin up on you? What is trust? Is it trust to tell sumone of ur greatest fear and then watch as ur fear haunts u?
I am shah. I keep repeating that. I am Shah. Still so much things for me to do. Sumday, I will hav the honour to call myself by my full name. That simple name. I used to be Shah DarKSidE. Melodramatic, I knw. But tht nick. Darkside. It was a reminder for me. Sumthing that I do not wish to happen again. It was a necessary evil. I was weak back then. I admit tht. Yet, it was that hatred n anger that gav me the strongest of strength. Tears were signs of weakness. Men do not cry. Only little boys do.
Immatured. I knw tht. It was hubris to think that at the age of 17 I thought I was matured. I knw better now. Men do shed tears, When they do, its the most profound pain of them all. It was the loss of those that mater to them the most. Sadness is not a sign of weakness. I hate weak people. I hated weakness. There I go again. Hate this, hate that.
So I hide behind this hatred. I hide my emotions. Showing emotions and sharin a person's past is a sign of weakness. A sign of weakness is an open invitation for that weakness to be exploited. And there are many cunning and manipulative deceptive people out there. Indeed, I had learned that the hard way. Time n time again.
I am Shah. I am no longer darkside.
That was the past. A past that I wanted to let go. Lettin go is not the same as forgettin about it or pretending it never happens. We all hav our darksides.
And so I nearly reach the end of the circle. I had experienced both the light and the dark. Now it is my wish to travel the fine line between the two. Its hard, I admit that. Though I feel very much alone, I knw I am not.
I write this now, to remind myself. I am not alone. Shah is not alone. I let myself feel hope. I knw, with time, I will redeem myself. Its never easy. But I hav made a promise. I will honour that promise. It will not be easy, it will require time, sacrifice and above all, determination. As long as I can remember the reasons why and learn frm the mistakes n the pains of my past, I believe I will not stray.
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Lost And Found
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Sumtimes I find it hard to believe.
There are sumthings that I'd rather forget. I always believe in a better tomorrow. So i said that everytime in my heart. Everyday. Everytime darkness falls. I said tht to myself. A better brighter tomorrow. I hope for the best, but always prepapre for the worst.
Optimist versus Pessimism.
Twenty five years of my life. I truly wonder where the light in my life ends n darkness begins. I am not a bad guy. So i tell myself that. If I were to be aligned, where would i be? Chaotic Good? Or vice versa.
There are many facets to my life. Depending on which angle that U see me through. Lookin back over the years, that is sumthing that I always do. I am not obcess wif my past. Merely lookin back n studying the choices that I've made. Its consequences n impact on other n on myself.
Scarred. Who to say that anyone ever goes through this life unscathed? Who knws? Perhaps there is a few, who can say? The world is big, and within in there are many ppl. Tryin to quantify this fact is like cuppin water in one's hand.
So 2006 ends and 2007 begins. This is my long overdue entry to 2007. I am no longer Shah DarKSidE. Darkside was the persona that I used to hide behind. Symbolic of the hatred and everything negative that used to be me. A constant reminder of all my lost n pains.
Can i truly say that I hav left tht behind me?
Can i honestly say that I am totally free of that stigma?
Alot had happened in juz one year. A year that was both wonderful yet sad. Bitter n sweet. Change is always constant. Yet the more things change, the more they stay the same. Bitter irony. What choice do i have?
There is always this one moment in my life that I can never describe. Perhaps there is more, i do not knw. It is not sumthing that I can conjure at a moments notice. Too many dormant memories that would only trigger at certain location.
Do I do them honour?
That was what I used to ask myself everytime I am alone, alone wif the gentle breeze caressin me, hearin its sad forlorn sound. Always in the dark for it is the darkness that I can clearly see moments of the pass replayed in my mind's eye. It is there, in this blurry replay I find solace. This is where the dead still lives and the answers awaits to be found. That is if I hav the wisdom to sift thru it.
Pain in my life cums side by side wif the meaning of loss. I hav lost much. I tried to bury that loss. Subluminate it. Lessen the sting. Banish the pain. Deny it. Guided by pain, powered by anger. I lost myself.
I distictly remembered that moment. I was cut deep. So knee deep in hatred n anger I was, that I couldnt feel the pain. I watched the blood flow n drip to the ground while my partner rushed to get medical attention. I couldnt feel the pain. Numb?
It takes greater courage to face the truth. What is that truth? That I am weak? That I was afraid? That my soul is beyond redemption? The truth that my life was a lie? That my principles are just justification of a lost tormented soul?
And so darkside was the person personified. A search to discover the truth. A dare to be proven wrong. Or an unspoken truth to be proved right all along. I am shah darkside. Am I?