"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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Faith & Hope Revisited
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sumtimes.... havin faith in urself is not enough. It surprise me when sumone tht I really cared abt sees me in a different light. Full of hope...
Imagine tht.. me... full of hope. Perhaps i tried so hard to convince ppl around me of the real me tht I lost sight of tht. I tried so hard to hide behind the many masks of mine... tht perhaps I lost myself. Look into the darkness for so long tht I was almost blinded.
Those simple words.... such faith... moved me. Perhaps there is still hope for me. For so long, I thought i''m too far gone tht there can be no redemption. When nothing seems to be goin my way... when everywhere tht I turned, all i saw was darkness. My mistakes. Perhaps i've looked at these failings tht I failed to see my redeeming qualities... or merely i've juz blinded myself.
Hope. So simple... yet so powerful. I'knw tht the choices I often make tests my resolve and determination. Lookin back now, i've indeed held my head high and pushed my way through, more often thn not... these shoulders are heavy wif guilt, regret and responsibilities.
Those words often leave a bitter taste in my mouth. But it is not sumthing we all can turn our back on. I make my choices based on wht fate heap upon me. In my better days I arrogantly blieve in makin my own fate. Often, i've been humbled.
I knw it is a loser's attitude to bemoan fate. To bitch and cry abt hw unfair life is. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Me? I always believe in the sayin "Brave knowin tht u're right, and afraid if u're truly in the wrong." To sum ppl, perception of right and wrong is open to debate. Wht one might consider wrong is right in another person's eyes.
They say xperience is makin the best of everything wif wht u're given. I was trapped. In my quest for employment, I was caught in a web of deceit. It pains me greatly to knw the steps I hav to take to free myself frm these bonds.
The shah of a few years back would hav endured, grindin his teeth and bullin his way through.
Not this time... all because of the faith sumone had in me...
Life is never all sunny and clear blue sky. To most maybe... I've always knwn tht most ppl r juz more fortunate and special than me. And I also knw... there are always ppl tht are less fortunate than me. There were indeed times when I feel I am broken and battered. When my reserves failed me... when it seems tht everything tht i've werked so hard unraveling arnd me, tht is when I am truly broken... shattered hope and disillusioned of my life's principles.
It is a test of faith. Wht is the sea when there is no storm or rough waves? How can u appreciate the sound of the waves crashin if there is no wind or current to make the tranquil sea moves? Indeed... the reason behind everything can be lost when all u see is wht u wanna see.
Perceptions.
Raya is approaching. I am never one for festive celebrations. It always brings back memories of wht I used to hav and lost. Haunting reminders of my tormented past. But as always, now I must learn to overcum tht perception. I would not deny tht I am overly joyous wif anticipation for the 3rd and 4th nov.
For I always start the 1st Syawal wif a time honoured ritual of goin to the graves of all those who had departed before me. And I always do it alone. For me, it is a sacred time when I make peace wif my past. Too many ppl gone... too much things left unsaid.
And yet... it touched me to the bottom of my soul... of ur faith in me. Perhaps there is always hope. Perhaps i've always been free. Maybe sumday... sumday, I can keep my promise i've made a long time ago. Yes.. it is hope tht i've been nursing for a long time. Regardless of the end tht justify the means.
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Alone In The DarK
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
3rd day of OJT. It feels good to be back in action again. Though the pay is nothin to be proud of, at least I knw tht my life is goin sumwhere. Its been a more than a month i've retreated frn the world, restin my feet and cathin up on lost times. I've done most of the things i've always wanted to do... fishin, watchin the sun rise and set, ppl watching and of course, spendin time wif all my old frenz and loved ones.
But of course, I cant stay this way too long lest I gt too comfortable and totally retreat myself frm the hectic, bz world around. Now I'm aching all over... I can feel every sore, every strained musle.
But as always, everytime when I feel tht my life is goin sumwhere, sumthing always happened tht makes me feel tht I am always nowhere where I even started. Like the sayin goes.. when it rains, it pours.
Blue Skies... Beyond the DarK Clouds.
I've watched KL Menjerit Satu yesterday. I shouldnt hav watched tht show. It stirred the ghosts of the past. Abt mtr racing and ppl dying in accidents... of frienship torn asunder. I hate it when tht happens coz it always reminds me how fragile life is... a firm reminder tht no one is immortal and nothin good is forever.
It is sumthing tht I always forget.. despite the price tht i've paid in blood. Do u knw how if feels like? Do u knw how if feels when sumone tht u cares is forever gone? Nothin.. nothin u can ever do can bring em back. No matter hw many good deeds u do... no matter how much u regret.
It is not sumthing I can decribe it in words. It is not sumthing I can xpress myself. But always one thing tht flashes in my minds eye.
It never fails to bring remorse... grief. Torment. Bitter regret.
It is purpose tht gives me strength to endure. Hope tht feeds tht purpose. Faith tht sustains tht hope. Like a domino... when one falls.. everything falls.
I am a liar. A betrayer. A guy who only thinks for himself. A black, tainted soul masquerading behind a veil of righteousness. A hypocrite. Darkness incarnate.
That's wht most ppl think of me. Can I balme them? But sumtimes, even when ur own family sez tht...
What can I say? Perhaps they might be right...
Sumtimes I feel tht it is better I live by myself. Remove my presence away frm them. Perhaps by doin so.. who knows... they are better without me.
Self pity and recrimination is not becumin of me. More often thn not... I let those words slide down my shoulders. But when hurled at me by my own family...
Perhaps they might be right...
Perhaps I am juz lying to myself. Perhaps I am indeed hav a black, black tainted heart. I so wanted to make them happy. So wanted to be tht successful, responsible son who is the head of the family. Let the end justify the means.
I'm tired. And when magrib sets in.. I sat all alone in this house. An empty table wif three empty chairs all alone in the dark. Lighted cigratte in hand... too tired to deny... i thought of nothin. Juz a vacant stare into the darkness feelin all the aches and pains. Fatigued.
I closed my eyes and felt sumthing tht i thought i'd lost.
Tears...
But of course, I cant stay this way too long lest I gt too comfortable and totally retreat myself frm the hectic, bz world around. Now I'm aching all over... I can feel every sore, every strained musle.
But as always, everytime when I feel tht my life is goin sumwhere, sumthing always happened tht makes me feel tht I am always nowhere where I even started. Like the sayin goes.. when it rains, it pours.
Blue Skies... Beyond the DarK Clouds.
I've watched KL Menjerit Satu yesterday. I shouldnt hav watched tht show. It stirred the ghosts of the past. Abt mtr racing and ppl dying in accidents... of frienship torn asunder. I hate it when tht happens coz it always reminds me how fragile life is... a firm reminder tht no one is immortal and nothin good is forever.
It is sumthing tht I always forget.. despite the price tht i've paid in blood. Do u knw how if feels like? Do u knw how if feels when sumone tht u cares is forever gone? Nothin.. nothin u can ever do can bring em back. No matter hw many good deeds u do... no matter how much u regret.
It is not sumthing I can decribe it in words. It is not sumthing I can xpress myself. But always one thing tht flashes in my minds eye.
It never fails to bring remorse... grief. Torment. Bitter regret.
It is purpose tht gives me strength to endure. Hope tht feeds tht purpose. Faith tht sustains tht hope. Like a domino... when one falls.. everything falls.
I am a liar. A betrayer. A guy who only thinks for himself. A black, tainted soul masquerading behind a veil of righteousness. A hypocrite. Darkness incarnate.
That's wht most ppl think of me. Can I balme them? But sumtimes, even when ur own family sez tht...
What can I say? Perhaps they might be right...
Sumtimes I feel tht it is better I live by myself. Remove my presence away frm them. Perhaps by doin so.. who knows... they are better without me.
Self pity and recrimination is not becumin of me. More often thn not... I let those words slide down my shoulders. But when hurled at me by my own family...
Perhaps they might be right...
Perhaps I am juz lying to myself. Perhaps I am indeed hav a black, black tainted heart. I so wanted to make them happy. So wanted to be tht successful, responsible son who is the head of the family. Let the end justify the means.
I'm tired. And when magrib sets in.. I sat all alone in this house. An empty table wif three empty chairs all alone in the dark. Lighted cigratte in hand... too tired to deny... i thought of nothin. Juz a vacant stare into the darkness feelin all the aches and pains. Fatigued.
I closed my eyes and felt sumthing tht i thought i'd lost.
Tears...
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Blue Sky, Dark Cloud
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Second day of training. So far i've been fortunate in the sense tht my fellow trainee r not as bad as my prev stint. Its true when ppl sez tht xperience and xposure to the world matures u and change ur perception and the way u carry urself. This is my stepping stone to my career.. start frm the bottom up. Like they say, u hav to learn to crawl, then walk before runnin.
Times fly by so fast these days. My S4 is on loan to my riding mentor... he needs it more than i do. Besides, as powerful as the S4 is, i hav yet to fully adapt to its riding habits. Powerful acceleration.. plus i'm more to the short side.. thus i do hav sum problems reversin tht beast. LoL!
'Sides, my back always hurt aftr ridin it. Perhaps a not so subtle reminder of tht fateful nite...
Niway, lotsa things had happened since my last entry. Been doin lotsa chores.. after all, raya is cumin. Though I lack the enthusiastic festive mood, tht doesnt mean i can shirk frm my responsibilities. Responsibilities.. i so hate that word. But hating it doenst mean tht it will go away. Neither can i run frm it. Time management again is definately a must. I muz knw to devide my time between family responsibilities,werk and of course leisure.
Evryone hav their own secrets. I've stumbled into few that makes me sumtimes wonder if ignorance is indeed bliss. But cum to think of it.. nobody wants to be willfully ignorant. Ignorant are fools.
Nature abhors vacuum.. and i abhors bein ignorant. And whn tht happens... i seek answers.. only to be reminded again the price of tht knowledge. But I am no stranger to pain.
I am one who always try to look on the bright side...tampered wif juz a lil bit of dark cloud.
Sigh... there's so much tht i've always wanted to say. Exercise my personal demons and ghost. Empty my closet and start afresh. But I knw... nobody is perfect.
I am one of them. One who always make mistakes. But not always, everything can be forgiven. It has to be earned. Even if it earned... there's always the long to redemption.
The sky is always so high... the clear sky is so blue. And when it rains...
Times fly by so fast these days. My S4 is on loan to my riding mentor... he needs it more than i do. Besides, as powerful as the S4 is, i hav yet to fully adapt to its riding habits. Powerful acceleration.. plus i'm more to the short side.. thus i do hav sum problems reversin tht beast. LoL!
'Sides, my back always hurt aftr ridin it. Perhaps a not so subtle reminder of tht fateful nite...
Niway, lotsa things had happened since my last entry. Been doin lotsa chores.. after all, raya is cumin. Though I lack the enthusiastic festive mood, tht doesnt mean i can shirk frm my responsibilities. Responsibilities.. i so hate that word. But hating it doenst mean tht it will go away. Neither can i run frm it. Time management again is definately a must. I muz knw to devide my time between family responsibilities,werk and of course leisure.
Evryone hav their own secrets. I've stumbled into few that makes me sumtimes wonder if ignorance is indeed bliss. But cum to think of it.. nobody wants to be willfully ignorant. Ignorant are fools.
Nature abhors vacuum.. and i abhors bein ignorant. And whn tht happens... i seek answers.. only to be reminded again the price of tht knowledge. But I am no stranger to pain.
I am one who always try to look on the bright side...tampered wif juz a lil bit of dark cloud.
Sigh... there's so much tht i've always wanted to say. Exercise my personal demons and ghost. Empty my closet and start afresh. But I knw... nobody is perfect.
I am one of them. One who always make mistakes. But not always, everything can be forgiven. It has to be earned. Even if it earned... there's always the long to redemption.
The sky is always so high... the clear sky is so blue. And when it rains...
My tea's gone cold
I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all.
The morning rain clouds up my window..
And I can't see at all
Even if I could it will all be grey,
But ur picture on my wall.
It reminds me that its not so bad,
Not so bad at all...
-Thank You, Dido
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Superforce Me
Sunday, October 09, 2005
It never stopped rainin...
Perhaps tht how it feels like to me. The heavy rain in the nite never fails to evoke memories.. and with it regret & grief. My passion to ride. Regardless how happy or sad I am. Its ironic tht my passion to ride is also one the many reasons tht marked the tunin point of my life.
Death on two wheels. or a moving coffin. Indeed, many youngsters, easily recognizable wif tht yellow and triangle imbued with the false belief of their own mortality, often proofed such sayin to be true. Who could resist the adrenaline rush when u r moving almost at the speed of sound? The wind strong against ur face and ur body, it requires a high degree of concentration, reflex and skill (Yeah rite) I often call it cheating death.
And when u attempt such high octane stunt (at least at a min of 150km/h), the acute corners and sharp turns, and when u did a wheelie successfully, u declare urself an immortal, the invincible or the next Valentino Rossie. That image is forever shattered, when u see the broken, scrapped hulk of an SP or the twisted, blacked chassis of a S4 in two. Or perhaps the human cost.. the blood soaked road... or an empty, shattered faceplate of a ridin helmet.
Or starin at the grave with a tombstone etched with the name of ur ridin fren or a loved one...
Only then would you realize tht it is all an illusion... a barricade against the hidden and almost forgotten fact. A sense of vulnerability.. tht every life is hangin in the balance... walkin the fine end of a string. And tht evrything has its consequences... like a pebbble thrown in the calm water... causing ripples of disturbance tht in turn affects all others around it.
Do u belief in redemption and forgiveness?
Ramadhan. A month full of goodness and forgiveness. An opportunity for one's tainted soul for redemption. A rejuvenation of faith. A time when I recommit and requiem myself. As always... i admit. I am only human.
I am only human. Again and again I repeat tht. Wht does tht phrase mean.. I am only human? it means tht I am not a perfect person. tht I do not fit in to any conceptions or preconceived perception of wht ppl want me to be regardless of the time and place.
The identity crisis.
This is Ramadhan. Yes, i do fast. I do my prayers. I do my terawih and I do recite the quran. Yet it is not sumthing tht I show off or flaunt it to my frenz or the public. I do forgive ppl.. but only to a certain extent. Now thts wher the phrase I am only human cums in.
Ther r certain things tht I can only forgive when sumone admits their mistakes. Not sumones who juz use the month of Ramadhan as an xcuse to be forgiven for all their past transgression, to be wiped clean their slate and start a new one, very much the same person as before. Only to commit the same mistakes, sins and undesirable behaviors all over again, and THEN seeking forgiveness again the nex time.
The measure of maturity is learning and understanding from mistakes, and takin the great pains to ensure it never happens again. The measure of maturity is to admit one's flaws and inherint darkness. The measure of maturity is so much more. And no... I do not hav the maturity to admit that I am one.
I am a meticulous person. Often called a perfectionist by those who do not know me. So wht if u ask me forgiveness by feigning ignorance? By just saying "...sorry, let the bygones be bygones?" Becoz its Ramadhan?
Its both a blessing and a curse to hav good memory. I can remember everything.. things tht U might think i hav forgotten.
I live by my principles. I hav many friends and acquintances. But I pick my confidentes and close frenz, only a handful. For these are decisions not to be taken lightly. I firmly believe tht my circle of close frenz n confidente a reflection of my judgement of character. U r who u keep company with. Its an honour to be called a close fren by me, as I consider it an xtreme honour and privilege if the feeling is mutual.
But those tht I choose to sever myself from... well, my actions speaks for me. As the sayin goes... u need to amputate a diseased limb less it spreads to the other good part of the body. Actions speaks louder than words, becoz sumtimes, words can get twisted, misunderstood and even perverted.
Forgiveness. Yes.. I do forgive. But forgiveness doesn't mean automatic friendship renewal. It has to be earned, just like trust. And tht trust is only earned by adversity and proof tht I can see with my own two eyes. So FORGIVE me if I still am aloof...
Sumtimes, these false angels hide their own darkness behind a veil of righteousness. Tsk tsk tsk, i can't forgive u in fool and u r recitin tht lemme get my karma? LoL!
I hav this prayer in my heart.. "God, if I were truly in the wrong, show me humbly the error of my ways so tht I can repent and be a better person... but if I am in the right, then show them the error of their ways as you see fit."
Karma. Amin.
I am not a perfect person. I still hav this tinge of darkness still in my soul. But i do hav redeeming qualities tht I want to foster. But for now...
Let me be just me. Shah. I hav always wanted the simple life. Nothing more, nothing less.
And so I rode. Always ride alone wif my new S4. I still hav yet to muster the courage to ride wif another. And as I rode... for tht duration I am on tht bike...
I am free...
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No stranger
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Do you believe in redemption and forgiveness?
Sumtimes it is easier to return back into the darkness, committin bad and livin a life of callousness. Indeed, how many times hav I felt the comfortin darkness beckons to me.. its voice of temtation ever in my head... speakin it how ez and pleasureable were I to commit tht dastardly act.
And I ask myself, again and again for the countless times... the reason why. Why do I hav to suffer and endure all the injustice when I myself can easily reverse my fortunes. Isnt ther a sayin "If u can't beat em.. join them"
Surprisingly... I found my answers in the most unlikely of places.
The grave.
My paternal uncle left us wif only two days before ramadhan on the 2nd Oct. I remembered my reaction upon hearin the news. There was no reaction. No sadness, no nothin. Not even numb or despair. Juz plain emptiness. For I am no stanger to loss.
How many times hav I heard this statement? The phone ringing, let it be my mobile or my telephone. Then the ever so familiar " Shah! Did u knw? So and so hav passed away juz now!" and I would lower my head and recite the so familiar verse on my lip "From him we came and to him we return"
And so I had done my duty and returned back the deed in full. For twelve years ago it was my late uncle tht had managed the burial details for my dad. Yet, it was the very same person who let my family down in our most dire time.
For so long I had harboured this deep hatred of him. For it was his action tht cost my family dearly. But neither do I harbor hatred towards the departed, nor I turn my back against the departed. U may be the fiercest, strongest or the wealthiest, but once life hav fled the body...
U only hav the livin to take care of u.
And so i let go of the hatred... of the bitter memories tht led my family to this. I read the yassin for him. Even went all the way to escort and lower him 7 feet deep where I paid my last respect. It never fails to evoke memories of tht fateful day 12 long years ago. The day the world I knew was buried as well. I smiled ruefully to my smile. Indeed.. I am no stranger to loss. I now knw wht to do... the burial ritual every step of the way. No longer I was dat child tht merely watched all thts happenin arnd him bleary eyed...
But I requiemed myself ther. Ther I found my answer to the reason why I held on the tattered faith of redemption. There, recited as clearly as the rays of the sun "Oh ye who hav departed. Blieve now tht U hav left the world of the livin. Blieve now tht u hav left behind all your loved ones. Blieve now tht ur journey here is ended and tht now u begin a new one in the afterlife. Also knw... dat u r alone. And only ur good deeds and ur faith will be ur redemption and ur light in the darkness guidin u bck.."
..Good deeds and my faith... the guidin light in the darkness... yes. Wasnt tht the same thing tht I heard time and time again? it matters not to me tht ppl do not see my good deeds and redeemin kindness. It matters not they bad mouthed me, twisting and pervertin my image and name. It matters not. For when my time cums... it is my very pahala and amalan tht will be my guide and redemption. Not those ppl tht I thought my frenz. For when u die... u go into tht hole alone. No one can save u frm tht inevitable end.
As the masses made their way home, I lingered awhile longer gazin at the freshly filled mound of earth. And then I looked into the clear blue sky. So clear.. so blue. And realized tht I had stayed too long in the blackness of nite.