Chronicles of Shah

Time waits for no man...

Eleven days... it feels like only a few days to me. I've got my peace and quiet, resting and recuperating. I do not really know what went wrong with me. I've attended two funerals early July. One after another. When its time to go, its time to go.

Eleven days, has it been that long? Im going to Cairo in early August to accompany my family. Mum always wanted to see the wonders of the world. Sis brought her to the Great Wall last year. I didnt follow. This time, mum and sis was adamant that I will not be left behind.

So who's gonna take care of the house then? Who will water the plants and take care of the rabbits? Guess they didnt realize that the last time I did not follow them was because I wanted to take care of the house they left behind.

My pc hav given up the ghost. My bike needed an overhaul. Am startin skool REAL soon. I've almost done dealing with all the skeletons in the closet. My old silat partner really wanted me to be back as an instructor and assist him with trainin the new cadre of recuits back at the old trainin grounds.

My poor partner suffered a broken leg. It was not because of motorbike accident. Namely he participated in the tournament last June and his opponent apparently had metal implants in his leg. I joked with my partner Sid that he fought Wolverine in disguise, and both of us shared a good laugh.

I went down to the old trainin grounds with Sid to see how the new cadres were. Gotta admit they hav the potential. A couple of them were kids that I used to train back when I was active then. They indeed hav grown up. Sum of the 'ole' timers look at me for long moments tryin to remember this familiar face, I merely smiled and went to 'relax one corner' as the old sayin goes.

Watching them train, I remembered back when I was their age. Full of energy and trainin with gusto, channellin all my hatred into it, venting my anger. Now, I tried to summon that same hatred and anger, but felt only emptiness. Hav I then, put that past behind me? Yet, I can still feel the faint stirring passion of my past martial trainin...

Indeed, I no longer retain that fast reflexes and superb stamina. Am 25 now, the last time I dueled and won was like what? Three? Four years ago? Back then I already felt that I was on the decline, back at my peak... haha... who'd believe that I once, briefly, in the Nationals and had dueled from Indo and Viet and won?

Remembering past victories are like those uncles that bragged about their Golden Years. I had my moments, the certs and trophies in my house are silent testimony of my achievements. But that belongs to a different me, and lookin back now, it was like lookin back to a stanger. Those were the hubris of my pride that led eventually to my downfall and my path back to humility and compassion.

Back then I was trying to prove something. That I was not weak and that I am the strongest. What fallacy that drove me? Ego? Hatred? The vary darkness that I hav now turned my back on. Perhaps that explained everytime I tried to summon that familiar wall of hatred that I feel empty? Gone, excercised from my very being with that last fight...

Not all battles are fought physically. Neither does it come to blows. The greatest battle is not with others, but I realized, only a few years back, that the greatest battle is within myself. I am not Shah DarKSide. I used to think that I was. But it was someone that showed me the true errors of my flawed, self fulfillin prophecy. I was a bad person, but with a good heart. It was not my past that mattered, but what I do, that defines me.

Like a drowning man reaching for pieces of flotsam still drifting, I cling on to that flotsam for dear life, resting and recuperating. I slowly swam to that distant pinpoint of light, a beacon of hope in the suffocating darkness.

I've always accomany the departed to their final resting place. It is to prepare myself. It is not easy being the only man in the family. I had run from that responsibility for too long. Now I no longer do so. It was only, with the recent passing of my aunt and nephew that I found an answer to my question. The question why my prayers were not always answered. It was neither because of a greater good nor of my blackened soul but rather, sumthing that I hav not done for a very long time and thus forgotten.

Like pieces of the jigsaw coming together, I now know what must be done and the price behind it. As always, it is not measured in monetary terms, but rather, my determination, sacrifice and what I truly desired.

Time will tell, sooner or later, time will tell. I am, Shah.

23:01
Shah

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When You Least Expected It
Thursday, July 12, 2007

I AM HAPPY.
I AM SHAH.
IM A HAPPY GUY.
SMILE WITH ME.
SING ALONG WITH ME.

IM HAPPY.
IM SHAH.
ALWAYS SHAH.

11:24
Shah

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The Devil May Cry
Tuesday, July 03, 2007

There were times when I wished I was someone else.

Dont we all? Everytime we find ourselves trapped between the proverbial hard rock and a hard place, we take a look around and wished that we are that fortunate soul that's everything's allright. Schadunfreaude. The place where I werk, I had schadunfreaude by the bucket loads.

I dont belong here. I am... like a nomad, a wonderer. Never stayin put at a place for too long. I always believe in learnin all that I can, contribute to make life/werk better and more efficicient. Like the saying goes.. the employer takin care of its employee, and in return, the employee will be more motivated to werk harder and be more efficient to return the welfare the employer hav shown to its employee.

Its been a year since i've werk there. I've met several old frenz there. Sum frm the airport, sum... well, frm my haunted past. Sum were able to recognize me, some, well, lets juz say that N95s and surgical masks make for good disguises.

There world, is getting smaller and smaller.

I am but a poor man. That is the simple and honest truth. Neither am I a good and pious man. I've done many questionable things in the past. Things that I wont bother to explain and justify. Others who had witness both my morally high actions as well as the dark ones would testify that I am a wolf in sheep clothing. The sad fact is good deeds is like a house of cards. It just takes one mistake, one misconception or misintepratation, and the whole house cums crashin and toppling down.

Is my life then, like a house of cards?

I am but a poor man. Thats the reason why I let go of my Superfour. Thats the reason why I dun go to fancy restaurants or wear fancy clothes. Thats the reason for my simple life. I always believe in preparin for rainy days. In my life, when it rains, it pours.

Sumtimes I'm better off alone. That was what I used to believe. Growing up, that was my principle. Relying on myself, getting things done without the assistance of others. I do not like being indebted to ppl. But there are sum ppl willing to help me. Willing to sacrifice their all for me. I always will remember their deeds. It was their sacrifice that I still cling on to this belief, that are sum good souls left out there, however few they may be.

There are also fewer still, that despite my tenacious efforts to push them away, scaring them wif my 'supposedly' darkside yet they still insist that my heart does not beat black. "Your past is the past. You are not defined by ur past. But what u do now, that defines you. All I see is someone trying to make amends for the mistakes that he had done. Sumone who is full of hope."

There is but one constant companion in my life. No its not pain pain anymore. She's maya. She alone knew almost all of my past. She alone choose to accompany this haunted journey of mine. There were many times I tried pushing her away frm me. To recant her decision and this perceived image of me of bein a "bad person with a good heart." Most indeed leave me, but she alone stayed.

I used to think that I hav nothing to loose. Now that I am 25, among my frenz, I am still the only one who's still not engaged or married. But if u can wait, I promise, I will be that man that I've always dream of. It will take time and sacrifice. But it is because of that dream, I will pay that price.

I will always remember they joy everytime when we go out together. Hw i'd always be like a kid when I am with her. There were times when I withdraw away frm her. This is the time when I retreat frm the world to deal with my neverending problems. Yet she would wait. Always waiting...

09:17
Shah

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