"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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Balance Point
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Its been awhile since I last updated my entries.
I've been bz coping wif my new werk. Its been more than a month I'm there, gradually coping to the hectic and chaos there. I've seen many aspects of human nature.. from the most self centered and unreasonable demanding ppl to the most compassionationate and understanding of them all. I've handled frayed and ruffled tempers as well as calm and cool composed patients and relatives.
I hav always wanted to pen it down.. but most often I would juz stare at my monitor, as vivid recollections of the day's events continue to play in my mind's eyes. I would often struggle to find the words, only to juz shut it down and head to bed, feeling all the aches and pains accumulated in the days work.
i feel that I've aged considerable since then. Most of the pix that I often took wif Maya and the gang showed that. I seem to hav lost my boyish look. These few weeks hav been sort sort of makin peace with my past. My family is cumin along well... mum is scheduled for surgery this end of April.. both mum and sis are worried while i juz maintain my cool. After all, wht good am I if I add my own jittery to the mix? What can I say? Agree with mum n sis abt fear of bein put under the knife? Or of the terrible pain she hav to endure after anesthetics wear off?
I am no stranger to pain. I find it better to giv the honest truth rather than lie to giv false comfort. After all, I am an optimist tapered wif reality. I believe everything is always for the greater good.
I've met wif my wayward bros and old frenz. Maya even coaxed me to visit her old fren at her werk place.
We all are looking for honest true love. To be luved and adored for who and what we are. To fill this unnnamed emptiness in the core of our soul. Wasnt that was what Adam feel in the garden of eden? All the pleasure in our life is incomplete wifout that special sumone to share.
Human beings hav unlimited wants and needs. Limited by purchasing power. When there is demand, there will always be supply. When there is no demand, supply too will cease to exist. Ponder these words of mine, for I hav learned this in my brief sojourn at NYP school of business.
We are not born evil. Hav u seen the advert of last time anti-drug campaign and stop crime? Do u remember the poster of a body of a jailed man but wif the head of a smiling infant? No one is born a criminal. No one is born as a theif or prostitute. We are born as equals. Innocent, unblemished and pure. Cut, we all bleed the same colour.
Evil is not inherent in me. I was not always DarKSidE. I was a good alim person before. But then... several bad things happened to me. Betrayal. Betrayal of trust. Heartbreaks. Disappointments. Friendship torn asunder. Betrayal of faith. Broken promises. Lies. Carnal pleasures.
I remembered well that nite. Blinded by rage. All my principles and faith crumbling to ashes all around me. Like a person losing his religion. What is a man with no principles and faith? Hav all that I've been taught a lie? Or juz sad delusion?
With nothing to loose, I choose the path of darkness that for so long had tempted me. This is not StarWars of how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. Like the saying goes, if u cant beat them, join them.
Is is so damn easy to choose the easy way out. Between the choice between right and easy... of course we choose easy. The right choice demands determination and sacrifice.
Who is to say which is stronger? The strength of flesh? Or the strength of willpower?
I hav walked down the path of violence. Hatred giving me strength behind every shattering punch that breaks noses and devastating kicks that fracture bones. That same hatred taunting me to always get back to my feet everytime I feel the cold hard earth.
Hatred is indeed a powerful things that fuels me back then. I was filled wif so much hatred. It was so easy to hate. To hate god for taking him away frm me. To hate all gerls for they're juz bitches inside masquearading behind veils.
But then... luv made me soft. Makes me weak. Luv make me aware of all my pains. The pains of my heart the most profound. But luv awakens my slumbering conscience. Which in turn makes me discover compassion and empathy. The circle was complete when it ended wif regret.
What can change the nature of a man? I had pondered that ever since dad passed away. I wanted to change. I wanted to change from a 11 year old naive mentah jagung boy to an adult that my father hav always dreamed of. At first I thought it was loss that was the catalyst to change. I was proven disasterously wrong. I thought it was luv from all the romance novels that I read. I was again wrong when I failed so many times in relationships. That failure resulted in hatred, and i thought it was hatred then.
For so long I channel that hatred in my martial training. Hatred making me strong.. bolstered by that stength, I became arrogant n complacent. Fate werk in such strange ways that sumhow stripped me of all hatred to be replaced by humility.
In that span of almost a year that I've withdrawn from the world around me to recuperate, i've pondered the intricacies of life. Broken and scarred frm my close brush wif the grim reaper, I tried to pierce together my shattered life. Looking back, I experienced bitter regret.
What can change the nature of a person? Regret. Regret from guilt of all the hurt that I've caused. Regret of all the heart that I had trampled. Regret burns stronger than hatred that runs together wif sorrow and grief. With that regret cums grim determination to never again coz that same regret. Making things rite. That is what I call redemption.
Its been years now. All that arrogance and outright hatred is gone as well as the self denial. The 1st small step in becumin a better person is self acceptance. With self acceptance we will gradually cum to luv ourselves, embracing all our flaws and focusing on our diverse strengths. I acknowledge my DarKSidE... and consoled myself with the goodness that I hav done to balance it out. No human is perfect. To reach for perfection is a sure way to fail.
Balance in all things. Like pieces of the jigsaw fallin into place... I feel that I am now a step closer to finding the truth. I find wisdom and truth to all the saying and proverbs. Such as 'before u can luv others u hav to luv urself'
What is luv than? "Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified. And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
That is my part of my defination of luv. Maybe its not true for others. But this is my truth. Balance in all things. A line hav to be drawn sumwhere. I am drawing it here in the middle of all things. The balance point.
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Flashback of a Hollow Man
Friday, April 14, 2006
Be careful of what u wish for...
"Three tissue for one dollar." Sounds familiar? If u frequent kedai kopi's, then the answers woould be a yes. Our typical response would be shake both our heads and hands as a universal gesture of 'No, i'm not intrested' Sum even charge a packet of tissue for a dollar. Of course we wouldnt want that. Go to any pharmacy and u'll find that they r selling a carton of tissue for that same price.
But wht if...
The person sellin it is hunched back, staggering and having breathin problems? His breath wheezing and raspy voice. Staggering and stumblng from table to table, plying his trade. That was what I encountered at Changi while eating after a brief fishin trip.
I didnt look at him when he made his offer. I was savoring ny satay and I dont hav eyes behind my head. Imah already hav this sympathetic look on her face, while Boboy n Maya was very quiet. I soon found out why as a hunched back figure encumbered by his backpack and trolly bag ambled past me.
I stopped eating and zoned out from the conversation that they started again. I look at him for long moment, tirelessly plying his trade table to table. I detected several sympathetic looks thrown his way, though few actually help him buy his tissues. I started calculating his earning, trying to guess the average he earns a day. Will it pay for his sustenance and his medication? His bills? What about the quality of life that he's having? Can he ride the bike like me? Does he hav material comfort? Does he hav anyone to support back at home?
Even if he can support himself with his earnngs sellin tissues, can any amount of money cure him? His ailments... it really rends my heart to look at him stagger from table to table wif his hunched posture. Often I do encounter the tissue sellin man... though most of the time its able body apeks that do the same thing. There were times blind man escorted by an aunty that do the sellin.
Are we self centered individuals in persuit of materialistic comfort? Are we so deep chasing after these phantoms that we sold away our compassion and empathy? Is this the price that we pay... the price of our own soul? We are so blinded by materialic perfection. Obsessed with how good we look... fashion accesories, gimmicks... reasons that are purely human wants and desires.
I realized then how blessed I am. Despite my haunted past.. I still hav my faculties and physical assets wif me. I can see, I can feel... I can hear. I am physically strong and capable. I can stand straight and sound of mind. I still hav my family, friends and luved ones.
How many times hav u encountered old men and women alone in the hospital? No one attending to them. I hav this sudden insight.. a moment of ephiphany while looking at that poor soul trying to eeke a living. How would u feel when u hav given all ur strength and money at the expense of self to raise ur own flesh and blood only to be abandoned, all alone... and unloved? When strength hav fled ur body and u can no longer stand on ur own two feet... where's the reciprocation?
Was it not my wish to take care of my parents? Parents? Not parents. Juz my mum. Dad passed away before I could realize that dream. Who am I tryin to kid? For so long... I always said parents. I tried so hard to cover up for this loss. My mum n sis. My shield and support for so long when I was trying to run away from the truth. They r my parents. Perhaps I now know my constant sadness.
I remember now. Back when my father was still alive, he lived his life wif these ppl. Ppl wif physical disabilities. He luv werkin wif them. I remembered that I used to follow him around his werkplace @ Bizlink centre. This is the only company that provides employment wif these physically challenged ppl.
I remembered makin frenz wif em. Teasing me 'he's a very small boy. Dun worry, u'll grow up strong juz like ur daddy' I remembered admiring them for their never ending willpower. Do u knw how hard it is for a wheelchair bound person to navigate his wheelchair up the incline? I remembered them always struggling to manuever up the incline into the company... but they never stop and giv up to ask 'Hey, can u lend me a hand here?' They juz resolutely and slowly made their way... but dad would then push the wheelchair up wif his never ending enthusiasm... "Hey u r makin progress everyday!"
I tried once to copy my dad of helping push the wheelchair up, but I almost ended up upsetting the wheelchair... LoL! Perhaps, it was there that I learned compassion.
I remembered... when dad passed away... they were really sad. Wif red teary eyes they said that they're gona miss him... his warm friendly banter. They hugged me one last time... and said that they'll never forget me.
God created us as equals. What they lack, they excel in other areas. I wana believe that. Hw's it like if I was blind? I couldnt ride... I could see the sky and all the things that I luv. What if I'm deaf.. I cant hear the sounds of the bird chirping or the gentle sounds of the waves by the beach. What if I'm mute... how could I converse wif ppl around me? What if I cant use my legs...
What issit that I want? Inner peace? A clear conscience? Wisdom? These are the qualities required for a good life. Qualities that many seek but few ever attained. What is the price? Izzit compassion? My soul? If its really true, am I willing to part it all away for all these qualities?
Hollow man... sumtimes I feel like I am a walking emptiness. There is always temptations at the back of my mind... I call it my DarkSidE. The voice of temptation. It was only a few days ago I met two of my old frenz, Don and Sid. Both the proud owners of superbikes. Don a YZF-R1 and Sid a ZX-636 mk II.
I met both of them separately yet both of them ask me the same question. "Bro... when U wana own ur own hot wheels?" Both of them know of my passion for high performance bike. I knw, I once promised to never again ride such high octane machines. But my old self got the better of me...
I remembered the adreline rush as I pushed the machine close to 180km/h. The torgue was amazing, the handling flawless. Its like the machine was an xtension of my own body. I negotiated a sharp winding corner into ECP @ 120, leaning into the curve. I felt fear... but the more fear I feel... the more joyful I am. There's sumthing elated in facing fear and gettin away with it. The roar of the engine like a jet in my ear. Both were modified... one wif a Micron titanium and the other Yoshimura street mod. The sound of the engine was fantastic.
The YZF was amazingly light for such a CC, while the Kawa was unmatched in raw power. Both I had to tiptoe when I'm mounted. I'm vertically challenged, small and lithely compact, perfect frame for such handling. My pulse pounding, I thanked both my companion for letting me test ride and for 'volunteering' to becum my pillon. LoL! They said I really should own one... but I thank them niway, and went home wif my beloved cruiser.
Money.. bike... dreams and desires. I am a self-centered hollow man. But when I think of that hunched back man, all my dreams evaporated away, replaced by shame and humility.
Can one man make a difference? I don't think so. Even all the money in the world cant help and cure that man. There is a saying, giv a man a fish and he'll be fed a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll feed a lifetime. Givin money is juz a short term help... that was why I didn't rush to buy his tissue or givin him a donation of ten dollars. I know... I am not the person to help that man. I went home that day thinking... and I did my Ishak prayers and prayed that he'll find his niche in this world. I prayed for my own peace too.
Lookin into the mirror... that faint scar on my left eyebrow never fail to remind me of my own price that I had paid. They said a dying man can see his hearts desire. Perhaps I had seen it, perhaps not. Perhaps it was juz my own mind playing tricks on me, givin vision to my own dreams and desire.
What izit that I saw all those years ago as I lay unconscious? Walking down that dim path. So peaceful and fragrant. There were lush beautiful flowers... butterflies and birds chirping. So cool, the air so refreshingly soothing and vibrant. There, at the end of the road, he was waiting for me with that sad smile on his face and his hand out as though welcumin me back home.
Sappy. Like an emotional movie story. Hw I wished it was so. How I wished I hav a happy ending.
Happiness makes me weak. Happiness makes me soft and take things for granted. So I remind myself now. Why I am sad.. the reason why I choose to write my sorrows and inner thoughts. Not to bemoan fate or cry over spilled gruel, but rather, to remind myself the things that I often do not wish to face. A line between happiness and sadness hav to be drawn sumwhere. Balance in all things. I face the dawn of day wif joy and hope, and turn towards twilight to nurse my real life pains and sorrows. In reminding myself of my responsibilities, I draw upon cold hard reality and hatred to giv me strength. Let the end justify the means.
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Dusk Till Dawn
Saturday, April 08, 2006
When darkness falls,
One muz remember not to sucumb to it. Even in the darkest night, when all the light have faded away, there can never be total darkness. Several times I marveled at the pale moonlight and the star studded sky. I do not fear the darkness. As a child, I was terrified of it. But I learned to face that fear. Now.. there is a certain, haunting beauty I find in the darkness. For in the darknest nite, away from the artificial light that surrounds us, there is surreal twilight beauty. The gentle sounds of the cricket. The cool refreshin nite air. There were times I can see fireflies. I can see the star studded sky twinkling so far away. Even the glare of the moon is so soothing to my eyes. I luv waiting for the break of dawn. Its akin to after all the pain and suffering that I endured, happiness will always find me. Darkness is negated by light. Wrong doings negated by good deeds. Sadness fading away to joy. Vice versa. Balance in all things. This is what I always remind myself everytime I'm faced with adversity. There is no perfect life.
Perhaps there is sum fortunate soul that is always happy. Always free frm all the adversity, suffering and pain. But, one must always be thankful for whatever good or bad things that cum our way.
I remembered, hearin frm syarahan, abt knwin the greater good. If u r a parent, and ur child keep wanting chocolate, u knw that too much chocolate is bad for ur kid. So would u keep givin cholocate to ur kid? Obviously not. Same wif god. Sumtimes we ask for sumthing that is perhaps, in the long run, is not beneficial to us. So, god being all knwing and almighty, do not grant us that particular thing that we seek, instead givin sumthin else instead. For our own good.
I want to believe that. I want to believe that I was once a bad person so that I knw wht bein good is all abt. Hahah.. look at me now, talkin abt god when I am not that alim good person. Heck, i dont even do regular prayers. Wht irony. Its strange really... most of the 'bad' ppl that i do knw... those into the dark life, they are religious person at heart. I mean, they could recite the verses wif such perfect clearity and tune. They knw the depth of religious knowledge. Why then did they turn into the darkness? What sad story do they hide beneath that player facade and the gruff i don't care attitude?
Life is so full of surprises. The reason why I constantly challenge myself to always look deeper into a person. Dwelve into their character and mind. Perhaps, in understanding them, I will be one step closer to finding my own answers.
I muz always remember, that there is always joy in my life. Lil notes reminding me of what I hav. I muz always look into the lil joys in life that people always overlook. Appreciating flowers and its scent. Looking at the sky, regardless if its sunny or grey. Hearing the sounds around you. These are the things that we always taken for granted. Hav u ever watched 'At First Sight'? Watch it... u'll find a whole new meaning to 'simple pleasures in life'
Simple pleasures. When was the last time I sat together to enjoy dinner wif my family? Long past time I guess. So we went for dinner at Tepak Sireh yesterday nite. Despite my fatigue, I juz went along, simply enjoyin the nite air and feasted my eyes on the sights there. I enjoyed hearing my mum n sis discussin abt the place, I even participated wif the crowd in the traditional malay dance. Though it was very akward.. I did enjoy myself. I was all stiff and do not hav any traditional malay dance experience. Cum on... I hav xposure to silat, but silat moves and dance moves are totally different ones.
On my way back though, I was in for a totally different treat. I lie on the bed, thinking abt the days that hav gone by and waiting with much anticipation for the cumin weeks. Indeed, there is never a dull moment in my life, never any bore, for it seems there is always sumthing for me to see and do. Though I luv my life, there were times that I dont... and there were times that I feel that I am indeed blessed.
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May It Be
Thursday, April 06, 2006
May It Be
I am not an evil man. Neither am I a saint. Do I believe in karma? Good begets good... wrong doin begets the same thing. Is there a universal scale out there tht's doin all the weighin and judging? Or izzit just misguided belief, encouraging us to do goodness?
Balance in all things. I knw there is still darkness lingering in my heart. Despite me trying to forsake my dark and tormented past. Sumtimes the past always finds a way to haunt me and I ask myself if this is my long awaited karma.
Its funny. I longed for peace and tranquil. I longed for redemption. I longed for heaven. But my actions thus far is a far cry for my taste of heaven. Hav u ever heard the hymn doa taubat? It never fails to move me to tears. It never fails to quench my thirst for inner peace and acceptance. There is still too much darkness in my heart. So much bitterness and hatred.. Its not sumthing that I can let go that easily.
I am weak. I am also strong. Weak. Strong. Izzit a contest of wills and physical? Mind over matter? Belief in faith? Is is sumthing tangible that I can see and touch? Or juz delusions?
I am strong... but am also weak. I am good but also evil. My life is a journey looking for answers to sumthing that I myself am no longer sure of. I am tired. No matter what I do... no matter how hard I tried. Life sumhow is so full of twist and turns. Nothin is constant... nothin is predictable.
I thought my family is on the mend. I thought everything is gona be allrite. I want to be sumone else. Sumone who is always happy. Sumone who is carefree. I dun care what the price is. But honestly... is that what I really want?
A leopard cannot change his spots. Life is so complicated and so alarmingly simple. There is sum universal truth that I cannot change. Like onions wif layers. Everybody hav layers. Its gettin to the core that is the heart of everything. Strip away the layers of darkness and u will find good. Strip away my laughter and u'll find tears. Strip away hope and u'll find despair. Strip away the childishness and u'll find maturity. Vice versa. So what will i find at the core?
A soul craving for inner peace and tranquil? I wished my life could be so much simpler. Perhaps it is, perhaps it is not. It is always easier to say, rather than do. U can be happy if u choose and act to be happy. U r sad becoz u choose to be sad.
I choose to be happy. I take steps to ensure that happiness. But like everything, I hav to earn it. I hav known great happiness before. Marred by losses that brought great sadness. But I never giv up hope. I keep trying. Each try I failed. I tried again and I succeed. But wif every happiness brings along sadness. The cycle goes on. Its like there is a universal weighing scale, goodness and happiness on one side, evil and sadness on the other. Everytime one side is heavier, sumthing is added on the other side to even things out.
I hav known sadness and happiness. I crave for inner peace becoz there is much turmoil and unrest in my life. I knw luv coz I hav been heartbroken before. I appreciete truth becoz lies are abundant. The ying and the yang. The black and white.
One cannot exists wifout the other. How can I say that I hav forsaken my dark tainted past? Oh I so remember the joy I feel when I ride back that S4. Hav I not sworn once before never to ride like that again? Steep cornering and breakneck speed.
How bout smoking and drinking? Why izzit that I still longed for that burning sensation in my throat? All my pain and suffering will banish. Or how bout carnal pleasure?
Where did my forgivness go? Only to be replaced by hatred? Or the longing that aroused when I see other people practicing their marshal prowess? I hav no asnwers to that. I thought I had put my past behind me. All these only proved that darkness still resides in my heart.
Regret. Change is only constant. Self-acceptance. People do indeed change. I once knew of a gerl fren of mine who's so into one nite stands. She luvs that life. I once thought her as sumone who was too wild and that she will never settle down. She was so lost in the darkness.. she was sumone I believe even xceeded my own darkness.
But she's engaged now. Gettin married this cumin 23april. She now wears that gear I so despised. But now she is indeed changed. Much calmer and quieter. She's the epitome of that gear that is so misunderstood. Most of my gerl frenz now r already into relationship. Gettin engaged or married.
You see... all of us hav our own darkness and redeeming qualities. She's that living proof of my mantra. To see the light, one muz be in the darkness. I'm not saying that I am rite. I too hav seen people who never emerge back into the light.
I ask myself now. Which side of the equation I am on. Wht are my dreams and aspirations?
The answer came easily into my mind. An image of an old man smiling to me wif that hint of a sad smile on his lips. I hav always known... that doin the rite thing, I hav to hold steady... and giv up the very thing that I hav always wanted the most.
Even my dreams. I dun hav much time. I am not gettin any younger. Juz becoz I am silent to do not think that I do not knw or care. There is this emptiness that I cannot begin to descibe that is ever present in my heart. Nuthin I ever do can banish it.
Its strange. I crave for peace yet luv werking at a very hectic place. So much laughter yet so much sadness. So lonely despite being surroinded by frenz and luved ones.
Its so peaceful here. Blue sunny skies and the sounds of vehicle passing by. I can feel every ache and pain. But I luxuriate it all. It reminds me, that I am only human. That I am not perfect. I am no saint. I neither hav all the answers. Nor am I ever rite all the time.
In the darkest nite, the weakest light shines all the brighter. I am changing. For better or worse, I do not knw. May It be. Let time tell.
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Kick Back Sunday
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Its good to be back home.
That was what keep looping in my mind, partially drenched and so physically and mentally xhausted. I'm no walking cyborg. I am not nuclear powered, neither hav hydrolic strength nor memory power of a supercomputer. But I can adapt. I was caught in the rain on my way home yesterday. My bike needs to be sent for maintenance... I need myself to be sent for maintenance. Almost a week of crash-course OJT is taking a serius toll on me. Send myself for maintenance for myself I did.
For once I left my bike to hav a good rest at the carpark. Sumtimes I can dress in a much more relaxed and comfortable setting when I leave my bike at home. Namely that at least I can do sum basic styling wif my hair. The reason why? Well.. I can use cement on my hair but once I put helmet on my head end result is my hair a flat out mess. So most of the time I juz stick to Penyet Hair. Hmm.. dah lama tak makan nasi ayam penyet.. HAHAH!
Really had a unwind session wif Maya, Imah n Boboy at El-Sheikh. We are really growing on that plc. I guess things r getting to be settled wif the crew there. They r much more efficient and muchas frienlier wif every visit. Heck, even the manager went up on the rooftop to hav a chat wif us.
We discussed our much anticipated holiday getaway wif much gusto. After awhile though, I begin to withdraw from the discussion, not out of boredom, but rather... juz overcum by a sudden sense of fatigue leaving the body. Huh? Well, its akin to the feelin of aftermaths of adrenaline rush. U knw, the feelin of euphoria. I juz realized that I hav endured a week of harsh and hectic environment. Its like moving from a quiant and secluded life in the peaceful country side into New York on a Monday mornin.
One mus always remember... we werk our ass off so that we can enjoy the pleasure of life. When I mean pleasures, its open to anybody's interpretation. Sum find simple pleasure in reading a book in a quiet place... sum find pleasure in crowded, noisy places. Well.. the rest I leave to imagination. Me? I find great pleasure kicking back after a hard day's work wif great great company.
Today is my off day. As usual, general maintenance is in order. Read that as household chores which includes house cleaning and laundry. Chances are I'll be out by noon to accompany Maya look for new shoes. Its been awhile since I went to the movies. I knw that's a slew of great movie lineups cumin this couple of months. Ice Age 2, a mirror image of Aon Flux and of course... my much anticipated X-Men3.
I think its juz abt time I retake my class 3. Sis n I hav already planned to foot the cost of purchasing a vehicle after either of us gets our licence 1st. Perhaps my family is indeed on the mend. Its a race then on who will grad 1st. Haha... I'm gona wind hands down! Why? Coz I gt road xperiece while my sis dont. I juz need to endure the financial burden for the course though. Can't believe that acquiring a car licence was so X! Guess I'll be registering at comfort instead of my old alumni when I got my 2A. Not unless they offer loyalty discount. Comfort is much, much nearer to my home, despite the fact that I hav my own transport. Time is much, much precious to me these days.
On the upside, feedback frm my superior and mentors are encouraging. My learning curve is Xcellent. I hav only taken half the time needed to train new staff before moving off to the next station to be trained in other field. Tomorrow I'm under a new mentor. Honestly... I'm not really lookin forward to it. Why? Coz I got hostile negative vibes juz radiating for her. Guess I juz need to be calm and collected when under her tutorship. I'm not a quitter.