"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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Diamond Shaped Triangle
Sunday, May 28, 2006
X-Men: The Last Stand was a waste of my time.
Already its 28th May.. nearly the end of the month and already starting early of mid year. I feel like only yesterday I welcumed the new year. Time flies when you hav always things to do. I do not understand why ppl always complain of boredom, when there is always sumthing to be done.. even resting is to me... a part of sumthing significant.
Perhaps I'm juz hard pressed to hav a good rest. Perhaps its all in my mind, perhaps not. So much things happened to me these couple of weeks and months. There is always sumthing happening in my life.. but as always, my entries are not updated consistently and always so brief and vague. Well.. perhaps I cant find the rite words to truly do it justice, or merely I am trying to protect my identity.
Already its 28th May.. nearly the end of the month and already starting early of mid year. I feel like only yesterday I welcumed the new year. Time flies when you hav always things to do. I do not understand why ppl always complain of boredom, when there is always sumthing to be done.. even resting is to me... a part of sumthing significant.
Perhaps I'm juz hard pressed to hav a good rest. Perhaps its all in my mind, perhaps not. So much things happened to me these couple of weeks and months. There is always sumthing happening in my life.. but as always, my entries are not updated consistently and always so brief and vague. Well.. perhaps I cant find the rite words to truly do it justice, or merely I am trying to protect my identity.
Where do I even begin to start? Is there an invention tht can jolt my thoughts into words and transfer it to my PC in word format? My thoughts run too fast for my typing fingers to keep up with. I am never good at typing. Tht's one of the main reasons why I never fancy the MSN too much, always preferring to talk rather than xpressin in via tyse setting on the keyboard.
Mum is dong well. The surgery was successful and now she's undergoin treatments. Its really a challenge for both sis n me, trying to schedule our werkin time so as not to clash with our werkin hours. Sis hav the luxury of leave while I hav the luxury of time management. After all, I werk sift rite. I often try to get the mornin sift as this allows me to accompany mum on her all too often treatments in the evening at KK or SGH. Its a pity that mum dislike my means of transportation. Cant really blame her though.
I bought for her roses and carnation plants for her gardening hobby. Its like old times again, back then when our family was pretty much whole. There's like a silent agreement between us, never mentionin what happened to me on that nite six years ago. It was as though it never happened. Like I always said, there is always a price to be paid for my newfound 'together-again-family' My family is now beset by problems externally in the form of my irresponsible uncle. I shall not go into depth of that, coz it would cause my anger to rise xponentially. Already, it has caused my mum to hav severe bouts of high blood pressure and migraines for my sis.
It always brings a small smile in my heart to see my mum always up early in the mornin sun cultivating her small garden. Roses in myriad colours of red, orange, pink, yellow and white. Jasmine plants and yellow carnations. Calamansi lime plants and aloe. That was how I coaxed mum into retirement. After all, I hav a stable job now. I went into healthcare to better educate myself to its inner workin and understanding of how it all works. Knowledge is power, information is ammunition. I needed to know all these so that I can better decide on the how, when and price of treatments for my mother's ailments.
I remembered the nite after my mum's surgery. I never saw her so pale and frail before. Only then I realized that how old my mum was.. and the was no longer as strong as last time. All pretense of shah the i dun care n keep cool attitude was cast to the wind as I remained bedside virgil till the last possible moments when the nurses 'ushered' me to the lift. Sis n I were adamant to stay behind. But rules are rules. It nearly moved me to tears when mum's nausea got the better of her. I did all I could to make her as comfortable as I can. All the lil small things.
I remembered as I rode slowly home from the hospital as images continued to pour unbidden into my minds eyes. Once again I was close to loosing my mum again. its like a subtle reminder frm god, a miniature history might repeat itself warning.
Its been weeks now since mum was discharged. The surgery was succesful but the ripples of complications were far. There might be a possibility of remission. My family is together again.. but at what price? Mum n sis is always together. So is me. We go out together now for grocery shoppin and eating together at the dining table and even watched home dvds together. I so luv to see mum's excitement(though she tried not to show it) when I bring her to the florists & garden shop at the heartland mall. She's so animated, walking to n fro with sis by her side as she asked "Will these look nice?" or "Iz this ok" or "Hmm.. izzit rose season?"
I too would sumtimes juz sit down by the doorway after werk admirin my mum's beautiful handiwork. I too luv flowers. Luv its bright colours and its beauty.It reminds me that beauty still shines if u r still lookin for it. As the saying goes.. stop n smell the flowers. No i dun literally stop to smell the flowers.. but rather appreciate its beauty. Perhaps its the reason why men giv their luved ones flowers...
The calm before the terrible storm. Things are almost back to normal now. There can be no perfect moment. I will always remain vigilant. I will always be this aloof detached guy in the house. But perhaps my mum n sis now knw... despite my distant nature, I do care. They hav seen it when she was admitted. What I had done and the things that I did for the greater good. Not everything can be xpressed in words.
I always listened in silence as mum n sis talk abt matter important to us. Sipping my cold drink after a hard days work.. I realized with a jolt that dad was like me last time. Always the silent guy in the house listening in to mum and sis. Perhaps, I am more like my dad then I realized...
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The Priorities Manifesto
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Nothing is more painful than losing a loved one.
All my life hav been marred by loss. I am used to that. In my effort of self-preservation, I built emotional barriers to shield myself frm despair n grief. I distanced myself, often being seen as aloof or even cold. It is not easy for me to becum attached to anyone, often relying on my own self. I mistakenly thought, that by distancing myself to others, I would be safe. I am rite but I am also wrong.
Am I right to say that i dun wear my heart on my sleeve? Perhaps I hav been xposed to so much loss that I hav developed the necessary emotional armour? I always pride myself of a guy with emotional maturity. But wht does it mean really? Emotional maturity? The knowin when to feel the proper emotion? Or keepin a tight rein on ur emotion? Leading ur life followin ur impetious emotions is a sure way to disaster. Forget abt the movies where a sudden ephipany of love makes u run marathon juz to declare ur undying luv to that person jzu at the very last hour. To me... movies are juz that... movies.
If my life is a movie... what movie would it be? Tragedy? Or perhaps more like the tv series, Days Of Our Life? Neh.. my life would be abit of everything mixed into one. The Never Ending Story.
Am I a man running away from my past? Running away is too irresponsible. I am more like a man who wants to bury his pasts, deal with the questions thats plaquing my subconscious mind and unlock human wisdom. Therein, perhaps lies my key to salvation. Salvation not in an assured place in the promised land, but rather, fulfillin my promise and seekin the peace of mind that many of us seek but really few ever attained.
Its a small world really. Will I be remembered for the good that I hav done? Or will my past precedes me? I feel like there is a scale out there... keeping the balance. Too much joy and sadness cums in. Too much sadness and sumthing will happen that will bring in joy.. vice versa.
Always, I will cum across sumthing that will remind me of my past life. Let it be a sentence or even a small thing. Yes, I hav an acute sense of perception that makes me notice all the lil things in life that many take for granted.
Often, that will trigger memories... or flashbacks. Memories of joy and sadness. Am I then, fueled by emotions and memories? Faith. Is that the only source of my strength? Or izzit responsibility or hatred? Perhaps the answer lies sumwhere in between. Balance in all things rite?
But when the dead of the nite sets in, when my family slumbers peacefully.. only then I realized the illusion of strength as I feel all the pains of the day. I am not as strong as I thought. I am... only human.
So much had happened in such a short span of time. Well, perhaps when so mich things happened that's the reason why I feel time flies. Physically,mentally and spiritually exhausted, I wished there is sumthing more that I could hav done. But what? What is that sumthing that I feel I overlooked? Flowers. I luv flowers. Odd isnt it? A guy who luv admiring roses and carnations. Or any bright coloured flowers. That was my gift to mum.
And this song... evokes me of memories... it reminds me of two distinctive figures in my past. I really miss them during these dark times.