My life story goes on...
Its been a very long time since I last updated. More than a month actually. Time really flies these days... or any days for that matter. They say time flies when you dread for sumthing. What am I dreading then?
The lack of updates a testament to my hectic & random schedule. I've been out of touched these days, as i look inwards into the core of my soul. The Lakehouse brought back emotions that I've tried to bury. These few weeks brought back old acquitances that I tried so hard to elude.
Once again I find myself at a crossroad... and I ask myself again, does the end justify the means? I am tired, fatigued n weary. I am a man fueled by my beliefs. I remembered, two days ago while on the road... I passed by a mosque... its azan so haunting in my ears. I do not know why... I felt so... touched by it. As though callin out to me... to return back to the path of right.
I felt a desperate longing for peace... to calm these restless, tormented soul. I remembered a point of my life when I was still in the light. Back when I still do my regular prayers n read the holy book. I was always at peace then.
But I believe that was just an illusion. The innocence of youth. That illusion was forever shattered. Am I weak then? Hav I failed his test? I do not know. Perhaps this is god's way of makin me mature; by throwing advercity my way.. to test my mettle n faith. A broken bone, when healed is stronger than before.
I always feel a terrible emptiness within me. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I tried to banish that emptiness.. the reprieve is only temporary. It always return. They said I must let certain things go.. but it is always easier said than done.
I hav endured so much loss. So much pain for my life to be the same again. My family is back together now.. but i do not know why I feel that sumthing is still missing. I wanted to be back in the light again... but my heart is still chocked full of bitterness n hatred.
Am I bitter because of my inability to make a difference? Or the injustice that's still rampant around me? Life is never fair... I hav always realized that. But that doesnt mean I should juz quit n join one of those bustards n inflict pain upon others.
Am I then still that idealistic young boy all those years ago? No matter what happen... I muz remind myself the reason why. Hav I not promised to honour those who had gone before me? I paused now, remembering back the good times n the lessons learnt while I was with them.
How then can I let them go? To let go of the emotional baggage is as though they never existed. Am I then to forget the sacrifices dad had made? Or the wonderful friendships of Azhar, Faizul n so many others? Or even her?
Its already August. Its only a few days ago I was brought back 13years ago to the very place that marked the beginning of the turning point of my life. Despite the changes that hav taken place... I still felt like that 12 year old boy all those years ago.
"Kak Ros... is this the ICU ward?" "Yeah, its third floor, used to be the ICU back then." I remembered walkin up the stairs to third floor. The walls were light blue back then. I remembered well the dim lighting... the eerie silence. I stopped exactly outside the corridor leading inside. Inside which I knew... where I saw my dad draped in white.
I really missed u dad. So much. Can I change my past? There were times I so desperately wished so. For so many years... I kept hopin that I am livin a dream that I cant wake up from. If I were to hav a wish granted to me... its to go back in time to see you one last time. Not to prevent your demise... but rather, to say I'm so sorry for that hurtful word I threw your way. And to hug you goodbye. I can still remember ur voice callin my name. I can always remember you biddin me goodbye everytime I go to school in the morning. And I would eagerly wait by the door to welcum you back home...
Timepiece. If I were to becum sumthing... I'd choose to be a timepiece. I'd be the keeper of time. Time is eternal.. it never change, it is always constant. To me... National Day is a painful reminder of my last moments with dad.. for that was the last time I watched the Parade with him by my side.
The Lake House. You cant change fate. I cant change the past. The dead cant be brought back to life. But what I can do... is to remember them in that special place in my heart. As long as I can remember them... at least... I feel that I am keepin them alive in me. All the good things that I do... I do it all to honour them.
Sumtimes... when I ride alone in the nite, I feel like they are right here beside me. N when I pray.. I know they are at peace.
