"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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Moments In the Nite
Monday, June 26, 2006
Here wifout you...
Its been physically n mentally demanding time. The lack of updates is a testament to my rigorous schedule. Its really a challenge for me dividing my time between werk, responsibilites and personal downtime. I am worn out, fatigued and ready to fall apart at any time. The only thing keeping me together is my faith and an all too aware of the responsibilities that's weighing heavily on my shoulders.
What dreams may come. There is rare moments of peace for me. The excruciatin pains of my old injury is becumin more prominent than ever. Even in my slumber... troubling dreams continue to haunt me.
I am awake now, havin jolted from my slumber because of a dream. Always dreams that jolted me from slumber. Dreams that are an alternate 'what if' at certain points of my life. Dreams that my dad was still alive. Dreams that I am the man I hav alwanted to be. Friends of old that hav gone before me... n a life that I used to hav but lost.
Its strange... and heartwrenching really. In my dreams... why izzit that I knw that they are already gone? I would often juz look at them as they go abt their lives. Its sumthing like back to the future but its juz that I cant tell them that they are dead... or warn them sumhow abt their impending death? All I could do was juz watch them wif a terrible longing in my heart.
I so wanted to tell them how much they meant to me. That i've missed them all my life, to thank them for givin me the strength to go on.. to forge ahead n never give up, no matter how dark the prospects are.
I am like a traveller lookin for the mystical holy grail. Or perhaps juz a lost soul.. stumbling and limping towards that distant light at the end of the tunnel. Everytime I feel like givin up.. all I hav to do is to remember how my past that came to be.
That's the reason why I never wanted to forget... for fear that history might repeat itself. But also, it cums wif a terrible price. While remembering the past does indeed gives me the strength to endure the future, it also fills my soul wif an unnamed sadness that is all too constant in my life. There can be rare moments of peace. But it is a price I am all willing to pay. There can be no true peace, not till the day I hav closed my eyes.
Thats the reason why behind all my good deeds that I perform. So that I hav enuff deeds under my name that when my time finally cums.. i can rest easy knowing that I had performed my responsibilites n fulfilled all my promises. I can finally put my soul to rest for all time. I am juz like Constantine, doin goodness to purchase a ticket out of the hell that I made for myself.
I used to run frm my past n my responsibilites. I am tired of that. Now, I embrace all the things that I hav to do, taking it as it goes. I am so tired of running. Everytime I feel like givin up and taking the easy way out.. all i hav to remember is ur peaceful face that nite thirteen years ago... or mum's frail white lookin face. Everytime I feel reckless, all I hav to see is the battered helmet n the shattered faceplate. When I am all alone in the dead of the nite, all I hav to do is close my eyes...
Perhaps sumday, I can walk down that same path again.. and perhaps you will be waiting for me wif that smile on ur face wif ur hand out to welcum me back home again.
For now though, despite all my pain and sorrow... I still forge on. In ur honour, and those who hav gone before me. U r always in my prayers.
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One Man's Worth.. Here Without You
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Life is a journey, not a destination.
This is not a promo for the movie cars. Sounds simple.. but contains a much deeper meaning, the main reason why I feel so alive when I am riding. My life is like a journey.. never knwing its final destination or the turns and obstacles cumin my way. Only the determination to see it thru till the end.
What will I find at my final destination? Will it end wif my ultimate salvation n redemption? Or will I fade into the darkness, only my tombstone will mourn me, my real name ectched into it for eternity but forgotten by the livin...
Such gloomy n dark thoughts bourne by a soul longing for peace. Peace. Not world peace. I am too insignificant to change the turn of the world. I am no superman. Juz a mere mortal man with a very real sense of my own mortality and shortcomings. We all travel our own roads.. each of us lookin for sumthing. Perhaps material wealth or personal glory. Recognition and title on pen n paper. Or perhaps sumthing as insipid as true luv? Mayhap even, sumthing so insignificant such as simple life.
And so the story goes on. From the light back into the darkness. After all, to see the light, one muz be in the dark.
'God spare me such knowledge that can kill a good soul.' I thought I hav heard it sumwhere before. Where & when was it? Only that I knw tht sentence was directed at me. Spare the knwledge tht I unlocked to prevent another soul frm fallin into the darkness. 'Not all soul are as strong as u shah. What if I go into the darkness n dun cum back? Who will then guide me back? U? Ha! Pls...'
Why then did i fully embrace & acknowledge the darkness? When did I adopted the term darkside? Perhaps I hav seen too much... went thru such terrible ordeal tht shattered my faith n left me with such bitter aftertaste tht I left the familiar road of righteousness into the very side that I used to despise with all my heart n soul.
After all, if u cant beat them... join them. Now, after all these years... I knw most of the reasons why. Call it my empathy course. Sumtimes, to better understand the other side, one muz liv it themselves to see behind everything. Unvoiced. Not everything can be xpressed in words. Flashes of light n dark... black n white as well as the vibrant colours of the wonderful sunshine filled world.
There were times when I feel that I am indeed healin.. makin a difference n forsakin my dark tainted past. There were also times when my past haunted me, makin it felt n seen right before my very eyes of my terrible mistakes.. a not so subtle reminder. Times of my crisis of faith when I question myself if all my deeds were juz delusions n phantoms that I am chasing to convince myself if such a thing called forgiveness n redemption does exists. Can a black tainted heart be purged, purified and cleansed?
God is allmighty n all knowing. I am juz a lost soul groping for tht distant light at the end of the tunnel.
Hope n faith. Trust n belief. Forgiveness n compassion. Empathy n luv. Hopes that I will be Happy and the faith tht I will find that day. Trust in goodness n belief it exists in others around me. Forgive wrongdoins because of my sense of compassion. Empathy because of love... all these the traits of humanity.
In my persuit of redemption, I threw myself to doin nuthin but good, determined to make a difference. I did volunteer work, once becumin a foster big brother to a chronically ill lil bro. I learned lots from him, reopening my eyes to things tht I once had but forgotten & taken for granted. His passing gav me the strength to continue to help others, honouring him n those others tht had gone before me. On my relief efforts, it taught me the significance one man can make. One man alone is not monumental, but rather, the combined efforts of those around him n that makes the greatest difference. But it is the collection of those few good men & women that sparks the others to a confliguration.
This year I had to forego two relief efforts. But still I did my part, however small it may be. I did not abandon relief effort becoz of selfish reasons, but rather becoz of the belief that before I should help others, I should help domestically 1st.
My family. In these dark & tryin times, I find it difficult to find the strength to endure. Always, everytime I feel I am on the verge of sumthing significant that I could almost grasp, sumthing always happen to test my newfound happiness. There can be no perfect moment. Like the sayin goes, the calm before the terrible storm. There is always a hidden price behind everything that is good n bad, the universal scale keepin the balance. The Yin & Yang, the Black & White.
I struggle to draw strength from both hatred n luv, a contest of will power versus physical strength. Mind over matter. But as always, in the dead of the nite when all is still n quiet... always I am beset by weariness n fatigue. No man is an island... I am, only human.
Its already mid year. Time really flies & I often muse wht's nex year gonna be like... more importantly, what kinda man I am gona be in the end. Will I continue to becum a better person? Or will I succumb to the darkness that's constant in my soul, always prowlin within the recesses of my black brambled heart but held back by my conscience n fledging faith?
I do not know. Doin the right thing is never easy... and goin for the EZ way out is juz human nature. Everytime I ride, all alone in the night on the highway... memories haunt me, both good n bad, constantly reminding me of the man I once was and what I aspire to be. Reminding me, time n time again that sumtimes, to do the right thing, I muz be steady n sumtimes giv up the very thing that I hav always wanted the most... even my dreams. In the rare moments of peace that I hav, let it be by the beach wif fine friends or alone in my darkened room.. I savor every moment of it, no matter how short it is.
I never tire of this song. It evokes strong memories... of the reason why I attempted to return back to the light. It is my past n my present. If a song strongly emulates my life, then this is the song. It reminds of sumthing that I muz never forget... the reason why.
Sumtimes... one man's word is stronger than another's swears & promises. In this changing world where the motto is 'promises are meant to be broken' ... it spoke volumes of a man's integrity n honour when a man does keep his word. Get well bro.