Chronicles of Shah

Its been raining these past few days. Well, it is december, wht am I xpecting? Snow? Ahakz. Took a short walk round my neighbourhood earlier on. It was drizzling... I juz luxuriated the coolness of the air and the raindrops against my skin. Indeed... it is so good to inhale fresh clear air. (Look who's talkin as I'm a frequent smoker) Niway, here's the second part of the lost entries...

31th May 05

Day 2, Dadalla

Was not feelin too well when I woke up. Muz be due to the fact tht my body still adapting to this place. I was assigned to the cooking team today. Priss made a rotating roster where each of us are assigned to a four person per team tht will take care of breakfast, lunch and dinner. (Supper not included, if u want thn u hav to prep ur own)

My 1st thought was damn, we hav no supply of meat right here. We do not hav any fridge, and there's a shortage of meat products. The nearest convenient modern grocery store (Mustaffa center springs to mind) was like a good 8 clicks away in Galle City.

Haha.. what happens when there's like 14 ppl and only one toilet? U gt tht right, its toilet usage singapore style! U guessed it, 1st cum, 1st serve! LoL! Its a real quack to see most of us eyeing the toilet weariy and tht claiming "I'm next!" Well, at least no one hogs the toilet. All of us try to moderate toilet usage for showers and etc etc to 15/10 min per person. Of course, the guys tends to be faster in our usage time.. LoL!

Oh yeah, its like i'm back in kampong days again. I showered very much like the days when our dad showered frm the perigi (well) coz we collect the clean water by the container full. As I brushed my teeth my mind tried to improvise on wht to cook for the whole day. While the rest of the team will racce the DTS College for restoration efforts, its the cookin team's responsibilities tht we all r well fed. After all, how can we werk on empty stomachs aye?

Breakfast was already preped by Priss and Rena. After all, I was the second last to shower (I gav way to the ladies and those in adv party personnel) Thus its only fair tht I and Honyun prep lunch. Thought tht i'd drop by the backward grocery shop (more like a rickety shack) juz opposite our house to see wht they hav in stock.

Feelin refreshed and much more awake after my oh so good shower, me and honyun check out wht we could cook for lunch. Nuthin much here.. wht I meant was tht no frozen product. So we bought sum dried salted fishes, onions, tomatoes and potatoes. Thx goo they hav fresh supply of eggs though. And yeah, bought loads of calamansi lime too. I mean calamansi lime does a good job of coolin heated bodies.. after all, there's definately no isotonic drinks there. Its a good thing tht I hav prior training in field cookin back in NS.

We went to the field to gather information on the locals abt wht they really need and to recount each and everyone of the local's version fo what happend on tht 26th december 04. Once again I find myself among the partial ruins and debris of houses along the coastal areas. Most of the skelatal remains of the houses are abandoned... I concluded tht the survivors(if any) muz be traumatised by tht incident and hav a phobia on staying by the coastal areas. Either tht or they hav no financial means to rebuild their shattered homes. There were a number who still live among the ruins of their homes though. An old man still live wif his daughter (He was showering in the now open air toilet) when we came across him and asked for a moment of his time. All of them were more than eager to share and talk to us. Priss and Honyun did most of the talkin and askin however, I merely walked around surverying the damage and takin photos of the ruins and debris. I did caught snippets of their conversation though. The gists of it were the sudden receding tide and then this dark wall like the height of coconut tress appearing from the ocean. And then the usual panic as everybody abandoned all their belongings and house to run further inland. Its really sad to see their shattered homes. Indeed... we hav much to do.

Got this particular guy tht stood out from all the ppl tht we interviewed. His name was Danish. He really reminded me of my NS fren Kushe.. its like his mirror image u knw. Well, ppl always say tht we all hav our 'twin' sumwhere in the world. Pity Kushe was not here to see his own mirror image. Niway, wht really impresses me was tht he spoke decent english. He knws more than most.. all the happenings (as well as unofficial channels tht i feel tht I muz not write down in this field journal) Suffice to say that they are all effected.. sum even lost their kids. Well.. sum of them r even in denial they their children are forever gone. Its really sad to see the misty eyes of a middle aged couple when I asked them "Where's the rest of ur family?" (Cum to think of it, i shouldnt hav asked them tht) Their response was "I'm still waiting for them to cum home..." Poor souls.

As dawn decends on the land, we left the coastal areas and made our way home. Dinner had already been prepapred earlier (juz need to reheat) Once again I found myself gazing towards the heaven and marvelled at the so many stars, noting sum familiar constellations back in Singapore. I thought of her and wandered if she too am lookin at the very same constellation and thinking of me.

Galle.. to an xtent Sri Lanka is a beautiful country, untouched and undamaged by modern progress. The kinda place that I dreamed of retiring to frm the rest of the world when I hav pasteured. But for now, we now knw the xtent of the damage and the suffering the survivors had endured. I am here to do good, to make a difference. All these years, I kept askin myself if one man can make a difference...

Tomorrow the real beginning of field werk will commence.

Shah DarKSidE

"Sow a thought, reap an action. Sow an Action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny" Quoted from an Anonymous"

20:43
Shah

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Recollections.. The Lost Entries
Monday, December 26, 2005

I wonder why time flies so fast. Iz it juz me? I can vividly remember typing my last closing entry for the year of 04 @ my old log Diaryland. After a long time reflecting on tht year, I hav finaly decided to clean up certain aspects of my life. Now here I am doing it again. Its like I started wif January then skipped right to December. 2005 hav its fair share of my ups and downs. Always, every year tht passes by, I always learn things.. both good and bad. Indeed, experience is of course the best teacher anybody can hope for. Good memories tht fills me wif joy and hope, and of course, the yang tht fills me wif disappointment and bitterness.

Indeed... I feel 2005 is much better than 04. I've choose to let go the unworthy of my friendship, cleaned up my closet and am one step closer to redemption. As the year draws to a close, here are the lost entries.

30th May 05

Day 1 Galle City

Sri Lanka

We finally arrived after fours hours of direct flight from Singapore to Colombo. We took additional five hours of journey in the bus frm Colombo airport to Galle, one of the most affected hit tsunami areas. The relief effort group, dubbed chrysalis, were split into two for the journey. The main body, consisting of the committee members and partisipants, preceded the logistic group. They arrived there sum 8 hours before us, scouting the local ppl there and basically adapting to the local climes there. According to them, the weather there was quite stormy, due to the aftermath of the monsoon season, thus for the need for our relief efforts. Our objectives are as follows:

1)Assist in the rehab and rebuild of the basic infrastructure

2)Construction of basic wooden beds and shelves for the Internally Displace Populace(IDP)

3)Provide aid and information gathering on wht the IDP needs.

The logistic personnel (Fadil, Suriadi and me) were joined by Jovin and Yujing. We departed Singapore at night and arrived at Sri Lanka in the early mornin hours. It was still dark and damp when we arrived at Colombo airport. The rain had stopped juz before we landed. Thank goodness I did not suffer frm air sickness or claustrophobia. After all, I took the economic seat. Our guide was waiting wif his bus and the main group tht preceded us really looked weary. Guess we would be catching our sleep in the bus for the next 5 hours.

My 1st thoughts as we journeyed in the bus was tht Sri Lanka reminded me of the kampong days. As we were in the wee hours of the morning, there were no one around unlike in Singapore where there would still be sum ppl out clubbin or cabs in the street. Its darker here than in Singapore. As the rainclouds hav receded, I was pleasant surprised to see the moon as a source of illumination. Its pale grey face surrounded by tousands of stars. I feel asleep soon after tht, nodding off and squirming in my bus seat. Thx god it was air conditioned.

I was jolted from my seat frm the bumps and jostling in the bus. It seems tht we hav left the easy road and the sun was rising. We were nearly there. I can already see the skeletal remains of buildings and debris by the coastal area. We hav arrived at Galle, one of the most affected areas hit by the tsunami sum 6 mths earlier. There were debris and wrekage everywhere. At least there were no bodies anywhere. But there's aready recovery. IDP camps were everywhere, from tents to crudely formed wooden shacks flying the banners of various relief effort groups like the Merci and red cross. Did I see a couple of UN flags as well?

We stopped at our designated lodging area. It was abt 1/2 a click frm the coastal area. It was like a holiday bangalow, except it was half completed and full of dust and the remains of construction material were outside the gate. Wait, who am I kidding, there was no gate, juz a big hole in the outer walls where the gates were supposed to be. Well, we make do wif wht we hav, I mean, it sure beats livin in tents for the next two weeks.

The gerls and the guys stowed our gears in our respective rooms. The larger room was designated as the gerl's domitory while the smaller ones's ours. We unloaded our supplies and equipments for our jobs in the main living room, and proceeded in prepping the kitchen, toilet and basically sum general maintenance and clean up of the then vacant house. What a mess. Our living condition were very spartan too. The gerls did wht they can to liven up the house abit.

Still trying to adapt to this new environment. I'm not feeling at my prime, perhaps due to lack of sleep or perhaps itz juz the weather? Smells strongly of grass in the rain. Who knws? We hav our lunch in Galle City. Its life as usual for the locals here. Reminds me of pasar geylang in singapore. The street vendors selling fruits, spices and vegies. Also sum 'mobile coffeeshop' by the street. The locals eyed us wearily. Hmm.. muz be becoz we really stick out frm the crowd. We all loojked fresh and not to mention a bit 'pale' while the locals are more weathered and seasoned.

We spent dawn at an ancient historical place called 'The Fort' Apparently, sum ancient engineer thought this place, a hilly alcove overlooking the sea was a perfect defensible place to set up a fortress. Well, he was right. After sum (minor) acrobatic and basic wall climbing, I reached the outer edge of the wall looking the vast open sea. I peered over the edge of the crumbling, weathered stone and yelped in surprise. Beyond it was like a sheer drop into jagged pieces of rock wif the sea waves crashin violently against the fortress walls. Impressive. I doubt anyone can scale it frm below. The view frm the top was breath taking. I can see the city's layout frm up here. Behind me was the hustle and bustle of so called modern life... while in front of me... I can see the wide open ocean and it stretches to the horizon. As dawn gives way to nite.. I stare at long moments into the sun as it sets. In a long moment in my life... watching the sunset... I feel alive. Tomorrow we shall get down to business (crack knuckes)

Shah DarKSidE.

"I xpect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, tht I can do or any kindness I can show to anyone let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it; for I shall not pass this way again..." Quoted frm an Anonynous source.

09:23
Shah

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A Question of When Deux
Tuesday, December 20, 2005

There is sumthing comforting when I ride. The steady thrum of engine, the wind beating against my entire body and the sense of control and freedom. I feel like I'm almost flying, nothing holding me back. Its ironic tht I am most peaceful and ease when riding; when five years back, it almost cost me my life.

I especially luv it when my visor is up. So cool... the sound of the wind hypnotising in my ears. I can see clearly ahead... the lamposts whizzing past me... I am in control... I knw where I am going. Indeed... it can get really cold sumtimes. Especially when it rains, its like havin pins and needles being pokes all over u.

But things are totally different when u r riding at 140 onwards. Every lil things counts... like how and when u shift ur weight. Everything happens in a split second. Tht was how it used to be last time. Everytime I escape in one piece everytime i reached 150.. i feel like i'm immortal.. invincible.

Tht's what happenin nowdays. New and young riders believing tht they r the next Valentino Rossie. I was like them once. Blood full of fire.. andrenaline pumping.. always eager to push man n machine to the xtreme. There's sumthing pleasurable after u hav narrowly squezed between two obstacles... or when u hav juz successfully negotiated a particularly tight turn at high velocity. A feeling of elation... a feeling of bein lucky. Of course.. most often we'd like to believe tht it is more to incredible skill and talent rather than a healthy dose of luck. And so u always believe tht u can pull tht same stunt again and again... again n perhaps... again?

Fear. I admit tht I am afraid. Afraid everytime I pull sumthing reckless when I ride. Its stupid.. i knw tht... when I knw tht its risky to squeeze inbetween two vehicles... or throttling up and leaning into tight corners. Why izzit tht I like to temp my mortality? When I had just narrowly escaped the reaper five years ago?

It is becoz of this fear tht I retook defensive riding. So tht what happened five years ago will never happen again. Out of luv perhaps. Out of bitter regret.

How'z it feels like to hav sumone u care died because of ur actions? I once knew a friend who lost his luved one due to a motorcycle accident. Because of his recklessness and his misplaced faith in his 'amazingly confident riding techniques' He juz earned his riding licence back then. Perhaps it was his stupidy and arragance tht gt the better of him. Despite her frightful pleas, he juz opened the throttle even more. Daring and tempting whtever fate had in store for him.

And so he learned. He learned tht a machine can be repaired and brought back to life. But wht can replace flesh, blood and bone? Or a soul for tht matter? A machine hav no soul... only spare parts. Are there any spare replacement souls out there?

I remembered him handing over his keys to his bike to his friend six months after his harsh lesson. He said sumthing tht I will never forget. He told his friend the price of his lesson. That right there, is a bike tht looked totally new.. wifout any scrathes, dents whatsoever. It was as though the bike was never involved in an accident in the 1st place. But he stood there... lookin so frail and thin, leaning heavily on his crutches. He said tht sum wounds runs deeper than any cuts tht he ever received. His friend asked him wht will he do now tht she was no longer wif him. He said tht he will never ride a sportsbike again... and tht his racing and martial days now forever over. For the doc had diagnosed his crippling injuries. He will knw the meaning of pain for the rest of his life. He said tht no amount of regret can change the past... no amount of good deeds tht he performs can erase tht past. His last piece of advice was tht.... well... lets juz say tht there was a reason why god created man tht can't fly. I guess he was trying to make light of his accident. Who can understand his sorrow? God only knws...

He looked longingly at his old bike. As his friend rode off, he limped back to his house wif tears in his eyes. There were no words to describe tht moment. Perhaps he wanted to cry... to shout out loud his anguish. But he merely took a deep breath... for he knw of the dark days ahead tht's waiting for him. Everything tht he do now... hav dire repercussions. Karma it is said. No amount of actions.. good or bad, go unnoticed. The question is.. only when will he feel the repercussion. A question of when.

Its been so long. But I still do remember. I can never forget. How could I? Even now... often when alone... i still find comfort when I ride. It is not sumthing I can ever put into words. So why izzit now... when I'm not alone on tht bike... i feel a small pang of fear?

20:30
Shah

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A Question of When
Sunday, December 18, 2005

Nature abhors vacuum... and for me... i abhors lack of information. So I look for answers to fill tht void. I look for tht answer everywhere. Questions tht I believe can perhaps sumhow fill this emptyness tht is always inside me.

What is this emptiness?

I used to believe it was lack of achievement. Lack of progress in life. So I tried to fill tht void doin things tht I thought could fill tht gap. Persuit of knwledge and self-improvement. They said tht in life, it is only natural for one to improve and mature. After all, is it not character development to cultivate ourselves? As always, I rushed headlong wif this newfound knwledge. I immersed myself in books at the library and attend classes. But even then... as time passes by, I realized tht the emptiness still remains.

Realizing tht perhaps I was wrong, tht this emptiness is perhaps not caused by lack of achievement but sumthing moral, i look inwards, dedicating myself to doin nuthin but good. The moral high ground and spiritual fulfillment. After all, a person is remembered by his deeds. Again, I dedicate myself helpin those in need and other goodly deeds, frm the simple act of helpin a blind man cross the street to major relief efforts. And as time passes by... the feelin of emptiness yet remains.

Is ignorance bliss? I used to think tht way. But circumstances always act in a way tht constantly contradict what u believe was right. There were indeed times when I believe tht yes, ignorance is indeed bliss, and I turn a blind eye to everything around me. It proved a temporary respite however, for I would then receive a cold slap of reality and I'd make up loss time of ignorance.

Only to find tht the answer tht I seek is still as elusive as ever. Sumtimes I ask myself, am I the only one wif this terrible feelin of void in my heart? Or is it jus a matter of 'its in ur head' thingy?

I hate this feelin of profound emptiness. It is a feeling of not bein complete. Sumthing is missing, but what? I've walked down both the path of light and dark. The story of my life. Yet the emptiness remains. What is my solace?

These are the questions tht constantly haunts me. It makes me feel restless. Makes me wana juz rush out and do sumthing. Am i to believe tht my life has always been this way? What am I lacking? Purpose? Faith? Dreams?

I seriusly do not knw. Perhaps I am blinded. Sumtimes, when U look at the question too long, u blinded urself to the answer. Hav I been blinded?

I hav a companions to my emptiness. It is called pain. The constant pain at my spine is a constant reminder tht time is not a luxury tht I hav. I tried not to dwell on these grim reminders, I tried to find joy in the simple everyday life. Lil things tht we always took for granted. So many things tht I am at a loss to start givin names to the lil things in life. The simple pleasures.

But for now... I tried to banish the feelin of emptiness deep down inside and focus at what I do hav right now. Tried to be here... right now instead of thinkin abt tomorrow and the day after tht. Once again, I find warmth comfort in the darkness. The soft music at my pc. The coolness of the night... the fresh air. Here and now... however brief...

I am at peace.

03:37
Shah

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Memento
Monday, December 05, 2005

Time is not a luxury tht I hav.
It feels like only yesterday when I sit down infront of the computer typing out my recollectons... mementos as u call it, of all tht had happened in tht year.
I hav this habit see... everytime the year draws to a close, I would retreat away frm the word to do reflect all tht I hav done.. my achievements.. deeds and of course.. most importantly mistakes tht I hav made.
Time indeed flies. What hav I done... what I hav achieved.. wht hav I lost... so many questions. I like sitting in my room.. dark. Wif only faint luminations frm my monitor and the lights outside my window.
My room. Juz a small modest bachelor room. A single bed and a desktop table. A single wardrobe cupboard.. small... bt cramped. I believe my room can be a mesum of recollections of all things in my life tht happened. A single shattered and battered riding helmet. A guitar clad in black. Two remote controlled car gatherin dust. A bronze quran. A picture... all these are mementos in my life. A reminder of a point in my life. No i do not keep them for the reason of harkin back to those times.... but rather... as a constant reminder of who and wht I was. The reason behind my turning points. To remind myself.. the pain of every loss... Losses tht in turn givs me the strenth to go on. Let it be luv.. or even.. yes. Hatred.
Its human nature to forget. Worse... when I forget, I believe tht history might repeat itself. Indeed... 2005 is like a blur. It seems like only yesterday I celebrated my 23rd bday. It seems like only yersterday I began the year anew.. always full of hope. Yesterday...
2005. izzit any different like any other year? Yes and no. I hav lost frenz.. i've watched ppl change.. changes tht always makes me oftem sad than happy. Friendship torn usunder. Friendships drifting away. Betrayal and backstabbing.
Dysfunctional family. Perhaps I should describe myself as dysfunctional. Often I ponder and reflect.. desperate to find an answer tht can sumhow makes me able to unite my family. There were times when i sit alione in my room, tearing at my hair in frustration and hopelessness. Sumtimes the emotion is so great.. so confounding.. tht I juz sat in silence.... smokin my ass off and in such profound sorrow tht i juz stare blanky out the window.
I tried. I tried turnin to god... for so long... I prayed. Prayed for my family to cum together again. To let my mum be happy and strong... prayed for my mum and sis. But as always... my prayers fall on deaf ears.
Or perhaps I'm juz too far gone into the darkness for my prayers to be answered. Its been sum time now since I did my prayers. Too frustrated.. too bitter. Too much spite and hatred in my black, black heart tht I no longer care.
Once again I look around my room.. at my many mementos. There is my silat medals and my intructor's cert. There is my Sri Lanka's national flag given to me by the ppl there in honor of my relief efforts. There is Hazrul's Command & Conquer's platinum figurine of tesla trooper he gav it to me coz its his fav.. he wants me to hav it coz he wants me to put in my room (coz he knws i luv figurines) there is the guitar tht I used to play.. given to me frm her as my bday present. There is my tank thread pickup RC I gt frm dad on my 11th bday. So many more. Each of em a piece of fond memories tht leaves me wif bitterness... spite and a constant reminder I am still here.. clinging to the brink of sanity and reminding myself why I choose this path.
Regret can change the character of a person. Yes.. but is regret powerful enuf for tht person to maintain tht path of life he hav chosen? Indeed... there is no easy answer to tht.
Year in year out.. I lived my life as I see fit. Often.. my faith and principles in life is so thoroughly tested tht I sumtimes stumble and fall. Frindship and trust. I hav seen all the faces of friendship. And the consequences of misplaced trust.
There is this emptiness in me tht no amnt of deeds or achievemts can fill. When I walk alone at nights... lookin around me... all I feel is despair. The hope tht I cam redeem myself is fading day by day. Reality check time.
I am still nowhere. My family is still broken. I am nowhere near the 'sucessful & responsible' son. I still ached for more. My mother is not gettin any younger. Neither is my sis nor even me. And there is still a big question mark to my question.
Can one man makes a difference?
I tried once walking away.. to turn a blind eye to those ppl arnd me. Juz focusing on myself. I can't do tht.
I hav tried helpin ppl truly in need. Done tht. I went on relief effort. Still more for me to do. What then?
Gettin rid of undesirable ppl as frenz. Done tht. but it still eats at me. I hav lost frenz tht used to be close to me.. was it my fault? Adi.. he joined me on my relief efforts.. but turned his back on me juz becoz fo a stupid gerl. Is tht wht friendship is? Is friendship abt bein secrecy when a better employment opportunity turns up? Is friendship abt lies and bad mouthing ppl?
A toyed wif the tesla soldier.. hearing Hazrul's joyful laughter. That coffeeshop is closed now... and Hazrul gone. I gaze the shattered faceplate and I felt the remains of a scar on my left eyebrow.
These few days I hav been keepin to myself lately. Due to the pains of my ailments... and lately.. everywhere I look there is always memories. This is my december. Where the ghosts of past haunts me more than ever before as I struggle to find redemption.

19:33
Shah

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