"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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Facets and Faucets
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Responsibilties.
I used to run from it. Run as far away as possible. It weighs heavily on my shoulders. I hav forgotten how it feels like to be without it. I think i hav always known how it feels like. Its just tht I dun allow myself to remember it. Or else I would longed for it. With tht longin comes temptation. I fear I might succumb to tht temptation and start runnin again.
And once started, it would gain momentum, and hard to arrest tht motion.
As I grow older, runnin away frm it is gettin harder and harder. After all, hw many old men hav u seen can run as fast as a man in his prime? I am 25 now.. but believe me, there were times I feel twice my age. I would always look myself in the mirror these days. Granted I may still retain the look of youth, but the streaks of white giv lie to my youthfull visage. Heck, there was once a photo of mine tht made me really look OLD.
25. I remembered when I was 7 I wondered hw'd it be like when I reach 9. And when I was 9 I'd wondered hw'd I be when 12. When I was 13 I stopped wondering abt the future all together. What is responsibility?
This is a question asked by a man whose weary and fatigued. Worn out. Yet givin out and start running again is not an option. I hav always said tht pain is my constant companion. Is my life driven by responsibilities then?
Honestly. I do knw wht my responsibilities are. I was an unresponsible person before. For a long time. Fear of it had kept me running. What is tht cause of fear? Unprepared? Untrained? Lazyness?
But will u believe it, if the reason behind it all was because loss of hope?
There are many different facets to my life. Like a man dyin of thirst... holding out his hands cuppin frm a faucet waiting for just tht silver drop of cool water to his parched lips. Even a single drop, is the sweetest of it all. Yet one is never enough.
I am not a bad guy. Shah is not a bad guy. I keep remindin myself tht. Shah WAS a bad person. With a good heart. Not many can see tht. Even fewer knws the truth.
I hav a dream. I always cherish tht dream, zealously protectin it frm everyone, keepin it closest to my heart, givin me the strength to face the darkest of human emotions. Overcumin all the pain. Dad hav always said to never giv in to the pain. I will always remember tht.
This cumin week will be a very taxin one for me. But I will not succumb to the temptations of ciggies. Or any other temptations for tht matter for I now hav a new source of strength.
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Storm's Outside... Its Peaceful Here.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
I've been very busy lately.
I will always remember. But sumhow, even memories fade over time. I've lost tracked of time. To me, sum memories will always be like only yesterday. Its been over a month since I last updated. Blame it on my oh-so-busy schedule. Blame it on procrastination. Heck... maybe there's juz too many things on my mind tht I dont even knw where to begin. Or perhaps I've been infected with the lazy bug... my mind is not werkin overtime when it comes infront of the pc. Sumtimes I dont even knw wht I am talkin abt.
Its been awhile. April.. then now May. So much things happened in such a short period of time. Physically and mentally spent. My physical body protesting wif every movements I've made. Sumtimes I'm so xhausted that I juz crash onto my bed wif my werk clothes on. And as always. I dream. Dream of you. Dream of ppl tht hav gone by. A life I once had. Or perhaps the life tht I've always wanted.
People said tht if U believe in sumthing hard enough... wif effort and hope... as well as faith. Tht's ur recipe to a dream come true. I am not writin this now to tell u tht is the truth. Nothing is concrete. Maya always said tht ppl change. Perhaps she leaned it frm me. Perhaps I've used tht word all too often.
Time heals all wounds. Sumtimes I wonder does tainted memory heals too? My life hav this tendecy to hav sum part of my past resurfacing itself. I remembered Hazrul's childish, boyish nature in two boys when I was out fishin with Maya. "Wah jauh sei pegi..." I casted my 2nd line and they xclaimed "Wah! Ni LAGI jauh!" Sumhow their enthusiasm reminded me alot of Hazrul. I wondered for awhile bit remembered tht I nvr brought Hazrul out fishin. Maya, perhaps noticin tht I had becum distant, seemed to be readin my thougths when she asked me "How old was Hazrul?" That brought me out of my trip down the memory lane. How old was Hazrul? Seven or nine? I wasnt so certain anymore. I realized, to my horror, tht though I can still remember him... certain part of his details became blur... faded.
I looked up my old archieve in diaryland. A chapter of my life tht I had long ago close and never wanted to look back at in anymore. There, I read again that last entry. Saying Goodbye. Its never easy. Though I hav lost so many ppl tht I care, it never is easy. If Hazrul is still around, he would be takin his PSLE now. Sigh. Its not good to dwell on the past. I can only do what I can do now. That is, to honour his memory. Remember tht cute, botak pale boy whose wide eyes is ever so bright and happy... despite his terrible pain. And his 1st ever Milo Dino.
I also remembered clearly... on Mother's Day, my sis and I treated mum out to Sakura International Buffet @ Downtown. Though we had made reservations, we still had join the que. Sumhow, I concentrated on my mirrored reflection. There was sis wif mum... and I imaged dad stading beside me in tht reflection. He would look older now... and slightly shorter too. He looked side to side, waiting to see an opening to squeeze into, no doubt pullin me by the hand like he always did to follow him. He saw me lookin @ him in the reflection, and smile @ me. With a jolt I mentally shook myself... realizin tht I was carried away wif my musings and imagination. Here and now shah. Here and now. U've been remisnicent too much of the past. They're gone... and nothing I can do can bring them back. I keep tellin myself tht.
But another voice spoke to me. They may be gone... yes, but tht doesnt mean they're forgotten. They must be a balance sumwhere. A fine line between the past, the present and the future. I've had a tormented past... a now to live to the fullest... and a future tht I hav envisioned.
It is because of this envisioned future I had made peace wif my past. Though it still throb once in awhille and the insane, manic laughter of darkside still haunts me... it is time I move on. Plans that I hav already put in motion. Plans that I am determined to see it to the end, no matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice and pain.
My fingers twitching for tht oh so familiar stick in between my fingers and my lungs aching for them, I refuse to give in. No amount of ciggs and painkillers can forever banish the pain. I hav a dream. I will werk towards achieving tht dream. When I hav achieve it, I will write it down.
All for u. Always you.