Chronicles of Shah

Good morning Shah.

Hi shah. I'm conscience. That voice in your head that's always reminding you to do the right thing. Its been awhile since you listened to me and act on it. Listen to me you will... do u hear that shah? That's the wind of change...

Dun worry, I'm not losing my marbles. Have you ever heard this voice always telling you to do the right thing? I do. Its always in my head... like my own voice whispering in my ears... telling me the right thing to do. Or perhaps dont do. Like doing sumthing morally wrong. Hmm.. even my conscience hav off/rest day every once in awhile. If u were my conscience, you'll hav to be on the job 24/7 365 days a year.

I hate responsibilities. I hate being weighed down by commitments and whatever things that I am obligated to do. I hate being tied down or encumbered with things that prevents me from having fun and more fun. I hate having to take care of other people other than myself. I am a self-centered selfish guy. Its all about me... and just me. I hate chores. I want people to do my laundry, household chores and cook for me while I shake my leg and do my stuff. What's my stuff? Namely havin fun and engaging in my desires. Namely the seven sins of mankind. Izzit only seven? More or less? Heck... give or take...I don't care.

Thats not me. Often I wonder why I no longer act on that impulse. Can I reason it to change? Was I ever like that? Perhaps once, a long time ago. Choice. Life is always about choices. We are who we choose to be. So choose...

If only it is that simple. Can I really choose just like that? Like the snap of a finger or the blink of an eye? Can I really choose as though being served food on a platter? Sum people make it sounds so easy. Perhaps it is... perhaps it is not. Its really easy to choose the easy way out. Most often the easy way out is not morally right but oh so easy. Bad habits. Wrong doings. Shortcuts to success. Name it. But good habit... makin changes for the better... indeed, is one of the hardest to commit and maintain.

I always read other people's blogs. Sum I even keep track of it... reading up their daily lives, routines and happenings. Time and time again I marvel at the complexities of individuals. Same light but different lamps... same colour of blood but different people. Same hair but different colour, style and texure.

Being happy. Who does not want to be happy. Oh yes... I would so luv to smile all day long basking in glorious sunshine. I want to laugh my heart out. Oh yeah.. those who knw me... perhaps they knw how much I luv to laugh. I luv makin jokes. I luv great company. But why izzit that I am rarely that way? Why izzit that despite all the friends and laughter I still feel a small emptiness? As a child... there was no emptiness in me. Its sumthing so elusive that i can find no words to describe or put a finger to it and say "Ha! That's the problem!"

I now know the reason why. The reason why I used to luv helpin ppl so much. Ironically, it was an old movie that reminded me of the answer. I used to ask myself why... why izzit that I luv helpin others. It was not becoz of me being noble or whatever. Perhaps then I knew... but as time goes by I hav forgotten. Its human nature to forget. I luv helping people becoz it makes me forget of my own worries and shortcomings. It makes me feel good and sumwhat close to being a complete person when I performed a good deed. For a moment, I can forget of my worries. Like another piece of the puzzle clicked into place... I can almost see the whole picture... the greater scheme of things.

Every once in a while I read all my past entries. Even those from my old site at Diaryland. Indeed... I can safely say that over 90% of my enttries are very dark, brooding and full of sadness. Do you know what its like to be the sadman? To be the badman? Do u knw what its like to be hated? To be faded? To be misunderstood?

I wonder why people wear masks or put up facade? Most people cry out to be understood and to be luved... but how can it be possible if they hide behind all those barrier? Pretending to be sumthing they are not? Yet mourn or cry out in anger when misunderstood or being accused of being sumthing they are not?

Life is so complicated. The reason why I never find it dull. I myself am guilty of that. I myself put up facades. I am often misunderstood and being accused of sumthings that I am not. But I don't blame them. I deliberately let them come to that decision coz that was wht I wanted. Yet.. I blamed them for luring them to come to that conclusion.

I am a happy person. Indeed I am. Is because I hav known terrible losses, pain and betrayal. Huh? What's that got to do with being happy? You see.... is all interconnected. Like my mantra... to see the light, One Muz Be In the Dark.

Do u know how sweet plain water can be? When you are dying of thirst... ok, tht's exaggeration. But when you are really thirsty out in the hot sun... and there is no water at all. But then you come across juz a bottle of plain, drinking water... would u forego that juz becoz you luv coke? Hell no! You drink it and it taste like sugar water. But if u r not thirsty... even if sumone were to pass u a much better drink... u wont appreciate that drink so much.

Like wise.... outside, I am a happy person when I am surrounded wif frenz and luved ones. But here... in my blogg... I can let out all my sorrows, hopes and dreams. Wear I can let down all my emotional armour and the facade that I wear when I face the world. Now I ask myself why the facades and all the masks. The reason... fear. Fear of being manipulated. Fear of being judged soft. Fear for being labled emo. Fear of being called sensitive. Fear of being.. human. Fear of being judged. So much fear.

After all... who wants to hang out with the sadman? Who wants to talk about sad, gloomy stuff? I mean.. u dont go to a coffee shop and mourn abt ur losses after a hard day's werk? "Kopi satu! Eh.. aku sedih ah... gerl aku tinggalkan aku" or "Kenapala semua orang benci aku? Takde orang yang sayang aku? Kenapa aku tak mcm dia? Semua prempuan sukakan dier.. hmm.. dia popular kerana dia ramai kawan? Dia kelakar? K, aku kena step ramai kawan and buat kelakar! Kalau aku ada ramai kawan yang hyped maknanya aku pun hyped. Nak kena ikut dan bergaul orang yang hyped!" And so the cycle goes on and on. Sumtimes, the masks that we wear... in the end, we unknowingly becum that mask.

Is all about choices isn't it? Like Jet's Hold On.

"You tried so hard to be sumone that you forget who you are...

You tried to fill sum emptiness till all you had spilled over.

Now everything's so far away that u don't know where you are.

When its hard to be yourself is not to be sumone else...

Still everything's so far away that you forget where you are.

All that you wanted, all that you hav don't seem so much.

For you to hold on to... for you to belong to...

Hold On... Hold On"

The importance of being honest. Throughtout the years, I hav tried to be sumone that I'm not. When I was a child, I was always picked upon by the bigger boys and bullied and beaten. I joined silat to fight them.. to teach them a lesson in pain and humiliation. It was that fury that drove me on... burning strong with hatred. Even though I bruised and bled, I still forged on, picked myself up even when I kissed the cold hard earth. Taught them I did... the joy only fleeting. But all that training came a heavy price... I suffered many internal injuries, and I left it behind me.

I embraced the dark life becoz of a heartfelt betrayal. I became a player... coz I wanted vengeance. I embraced the trapping of a dark life. Perhaps that nite indeed was the begining of my turning point.

Indeed... I knw happiness coz I knw sorrow. I treasure my family becoz I hav known loss. I treasure good friendship coz bad friends are all around.. its the good ones that are indeed rare. I knw a good gerl when I encounter one coz I've encountered countless rotten ones. And I knw good guys coz I was bad once. But wait a minute... how can I say the bad is bad? They must hav their reasons for being who and what they are... nobody is born bad or evil. The reason...

Its all about choices. It is learning from the bad that we appreciate and treasure the good ones. I am always happy and full of laughter outside. It is here, that I let out my sorrows... my silent thoughts and reflections. Perhaps it is here... I can sumhow connect the dots from all the past experience and perhaps I can see the core of the domino. I dont mourn the past and dwell on it.. but rather, to cherish the good memories and learn frm the bad, bitter ones. There is a reason why God is all knwing, all powerful. And there is a reason why god giv mankind wisdom. The wisdom to search for knwledge. To accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can... and more importantly, the wisdom to knw the difference.

You cant change a person who dont want to change. Though changing for the better is indeed hard, I want to believe that I am changing to be a better man. It takes times... it takes patience. It takes self-acceptance. More importantly... it requires honesty. I do not hav all the answers. I am not Mr Know It All or Mr Always right. I used to believe what my eyes tell me. But it takes compassion and wisdom to all behind what the eyes see. Ask the reason why. Nobody does anything for nothing. Perhaps sum do juz for the fun of it or no apparent reason at all. Who knows? There is always the other side. The right answer is as elusive as ever. Sum takes a lifetime to find, sum juz mere moments. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Me... I just look, observe and analyse the reasons why.

The winds of change is indeed blowing...