Sumtimes.... havin faith in urself is not enough. It surprise me when sumone tht I really cared abt sees me in a different light. Full of hope...
Imagine tht.. me... full of hope. Perhaps i tried so hard to convince ppl around me of the real me tht I lost sight of tht. I tried so hard to hide behind the many masks of mine... tht perhaps I lost myself. Look into the darkness for so long tht I was almost blinded.
Those simple words.... such faith... moved me. Perhaps there is still hope for me. For so long, I thought i''m too far gone tht there can be no redemption. When nothing seems to be goin my way... when everywhere tht I turned, all i saw was darkness. My mistakes. Perhaps i've looked at these failings tht I failed to see my redeeming qualities... or merely i've juz blinded myself.
Hope. So simple... yet so powerful. I'knw tht the choices I often make tests my resolve and determination. Lookin back now, i've indeed held my head high and pushed my way through, more often thn not... these shoulders are heavy wif guilt, regret and responsibilities.
Those words often leave a bitter taste in my mouth. But it is not sumthing we all can turn our back on. I make my choices based on wht fate heap upon me. In my better days I arrogantly blieve in makin my own fate. Often, i've been humbled.
I knw it is a loser's attitude to bemoan fate. To bitch and cry abt hw unfair life is. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Me? I always believe in the sayin "Brave knowin tht u're right, and afraid if u're truly in the wrong." To sum ppl, perception of right and wrong is open to debate. Wht one might consider wrong is right in another person's eyes.
They say xperience is makin the best of everything wif wht u're given. I was trapped. In my quest for employment, I was caught in a web of deceit. It pains me greatly to knw the steps I hav to take to free myself frm these bonds.
The shah of a few years back would hav endured, grindin his teeth and bullin his way through.
Not this time... all because of the faith sumone had in me...
Life is never all sunny and clear blue sky. To most maybe... I've always knwn tht most ppl r juz more fortunate and special than me. And I also knw... there are always ppl tht are less fortunate than me. There were indeed times when I feel I am broken and battered. When my reserves failed me... when it seems tht everything tht i've werked so hard unraveling arnd me, tht is when I am truly broken... shattered hope and disillusioned of my life's principles.
It is a test of faith. Wht is the sea when there is no storm or rough waves? How can u appreciate the sound of the waves crashin if there is no wind or current to make the tranquil sea moves? Indeed... the reason behind everything can be lost when all u see is wht u wanna see.
Perceptions.
Raya is approaching. I am never one for festive celebrations. It always brings back memories of wht I used to hav and lost. Haunting reminders of my tormented past. But as always, now I must learn to overcum tht perception. I would not deny tht I am overly joyous wif anticipation for the 3rd and 4th nov.
For I always start the 1st Syawal wif a time honoured ritual of goin to the graves of all those who had departed before me. And I always do it alone. For me, it is a sacred time when I make peace wif my past. Too many ppl gone... too much things left unsaid.
And yet... it touched me to the bottom of my soul... of ur faith in me. Perhaps there is always hope. Perhaps i've always been free. Maybe sumday... sumday, I can keep my promise i've made a long time ago. Yes.. it is hope tht i've been nursing for a long time. Regardless of the end tht justify the means.
