Do you believe in redemption and forgiveness?
Sumtimes it is easier to return back into the darkness, committin bad and livin a life of callousness. Indeed, how many times hav I felt the comfortin darkness beckons to me.. its voice of temtation ever in my head... speakin it how ez and pleasureable were I to commit tht dastardly act.
And I ask myself, again and again for the countless times... the reason why. Why do I hav to suffer and endure all the injustice when I myself can easily reverse my fortunes. Isnt ther a sayin "If u can't beat em.. join them"
Surprisingly... I found my answers in the most unlikely of places.
The grave.
My paternal uncle left us wif only two days before ramadhan on the 2nd Oct. I remembered my reaction upon hearin the news. There was no reaction. No sadness, no nothin. Not even numb or despair. Juz plain emptiness. For I am no stanger to loss.
How many times hav I heard this statement? The phone ringing, let it be my mobile or my telephone. Then the ever so familiar " Shah! Did u knw? So and so hav passed away juz now!" and I would lower my head and recite the so familiar verse on my lip "From him we came and to him we return"
And so I had done my duty and returned back the deed in full. For twelve years ago it was my late uncle tht had managed the burial details for my dad. Yet, it was the very same person who let my family down in our most dire time.
For so long I had harboured this deep hatred of him. For it was his action tht cost my family dearly. But neither do I harbor hatred towards the departed, nor I turn my back against the departed. U may be the fiercest, strongest or the wealthiest, but once life hav fled the body...
U only hav the livin to take care of u.
And so i let go of the hatred... of the bitter memories tht led my family to this. I read the yassin for him. Even went all the way to escort and lower him 7 feet deep where I paid my last respect. It never fails to evoke memories of tht fateful day 12 long years ago. The day the world I knew was buried as well. I smiled ruefully to my smile. Indeed.. I am no stranger to loss. I now knw wht to do... the burial ritual every step of the way. No longer I was dat child tht merely watched all thts happenin arnd him bleary eyed...
But I requiemed myself ther. Ther I found my answer to the reason why I held on the tattered faith of redemption. There, recited as clearly as the rays of the sun "Oh ye who hav departed. Blieve now tht U hav left the world of the livin. Blieve now tht u hav left behind all your loved ones. Blieve now tht ur journey here is ended and tht now u begin a new one in the afterlife. Also knw... dat u r alone. And only ur good deeds and ur faith will be ur redemption and ur light in the darkness guidin u bck.."
..Good deeds and my faith... the guidin light in the darkness... yes. Wasnt tht the same thing tht I heard time and time again? it matters not to me tht ppl do not see my good deeds and redeemin kindness. It matters not they bad mouthed me, twisting and pervertin my image and name. It matters not. For when my time cums... it is my very pahala and amalan tht will be my guide and redemption. Not those ppl tht I thought my frenz. For when u die... u go into tht hole alone. No one can save u frm tht inevitable end.
As the masses made their way home, I lingered awhile longer gazin at the freshly filled mound of earth. And then I looked into the clear blue sky. So clear.. so blue. And realized tht I had stayed too long in the blackness of nite.
