Chronicles of Shah

It never stopped rainin...

Perhaps tht how it feels like to me. The heavy rain in the nite never fails to evoke memories.. and with it regret & grief. My passion to ride. Regardless how happy or sad I am. Its ironic tht my passion to ride is also one the many reasons tht marked the tunin point of my life.

Death on two wheels. or a moving coffin. Indeed, many youngsters, easily recognizable wif tht yellow and triangle imbued with the false belief of their own mortality, often proofed such sayin to be true. Who could resist the adrenaline rush when u r moving almost at the speed of sound? The wind strong against ur face and ur body, it requires a high degree of concentration, reflex and skill (Yeah rite) I often call it cheating death.

And when u attempt such high octane stunt (at least at a min of 150km/h), the acute corners and sharp turns, and when u did a wheelie successfully, u declare urself an immortal, the invincible or the next Valentino Rossie. That image is forever shattered, when u see the broken, scrapped hulk of an SP or the twisted, blacked chassis of a S4 in two. Or perhaps the human cost.. the blood soaked road... or an empty, shattered faceplate of a ridin helmet.

Or starin at the grave with a tombstone etched with the name of ur ridin fren or a loved one...

Only then would you realize tht it is all an illusion... a barricade against the hidden and almost forgotten fact. A sense of vulnerability.. tht every life is hangin in the balance... walkin the fine end of a string. And tht evrything has its consequences... like a pebbble thrown in the calm water... causing ripples of disturbance tht in turn affects all others around it.

Do u belief in redemption and forgiveness?

Ramadhan. A month full of goodness and forgiveness. An opportunity for one's tainted soul for redemption. A rejuvenation of faith. A time when I recommit and requiem myself. As always... i admit. I am only human.

I am only human. Again and again I repeat tht. Wht does tht phrase mean.. I am only human? it means tht I am not a perfect person. tht I do not fit in to any conceptions or preconceived perception of wht ppl want me to be regardless of the time and place.

The identity crisis.

This is Ramadhan. Yes, i do fast. I do my prayers. I do my terawih and I do recite the quran. Yet it is not sumthing tht I show off or flaunt it to my frenz or the public. I do forgive ppl.. but only to a certain extent. Now thts wher the phrase I am only human cums in.

Ther r certain things tht I can only forgive when sumone admits their mistakes. Not sumones who juz use the month of Ramadhan as an xcuse to be forgiven for all their past transgression, to be wiped clean their slate and start a new one, very much the same person as before. Only to commit the same mistakes, sins and undesirable behaviors all over again, and THEN seeking forgiveness again the nex time.

The measure of maturity is learning and understanding from mistakes, and takin the great pains to ensure it never happens again. The measure of maturity is to admit one's flaws and inherint darkness. The measure of maturity is so much more. And no... I do not hav the maturity to admit that I am one.

I am a meticulous person. Often called a perfectionist by those who do not know me. So wht if u ask me forgiveness by feigning ignorance? By just saying "...sorry, let the bygones be bygones?" Becoz its Ramadhan?

Its both a blessing and a curse to hav good memory. I can remember everything.. things tht U might think i hav forgotten.

I live by my principles. I hav many friends and acquintances. But I pick my confidentes and close frenz, only a handful. For these are decisions not to be taken lightly. I firmly believe tht my circle of close frenz n confidente a reflection of my judgement of character. U r who u keep company with. Its an honour to be called a close fren by me, as I consider it an xtreme honour and privilege if the feeling is mutual.

But those tht I choose to sever myself from... well, my actions speaks for me. As the sayin goes... u need to amputate a diseased limb less it spreads to the other good part of the body. Actions speaks louder than words, becoz sumtimes, words can get twisted, misunderstood and even perverted.

Forgiveness. Yes.. I do forgive. But forgiveness doesn't mean automatic friendship renewal. It has to be earned, just like trust. And tht trust is only earned by adversity and proof tht I can see with my own two eyes. So FORGIVE me if I still am aloof...

Sumtimes, these false angels hide their own darkness behind a veil of righteousness. Tsk tsk tsk, i can't forgive u in fool and u r recitin tht lemme get my karma? LoL!

I hav this prayer in my heart.. "God, if I were truly in the wrong, show me humbly the error of my ways so tht I can repent and be a better person... but if I am in the right, then show them the error of their ways as you see fit."

Karma. Amin.

I am not a perfect person. I still hav this tinge of darkness still in my soul. But i do hav redeeming qualities tht I want to foster. But for now...

Let me be just me. Shah. I hav always wanted the simple life. Nothing more, nothing less.

And so I rode. Always ride alone wif my new S4. I still hav yet to muster the courage to ride wif another. And as I rode... for tht duration I am on tht bike...

I am free...