Chronicles of Shah

3rd day of OJT. It feels good to be back in action again. Though the pay is nothin to be proud of, at least I knw tht my life is goin sumwhere. Its been a more than a month i've retreated frn the world, restin my feet and cathin up on lost times. I've done most of the things i've always wanted to do... fishin, watchin the sun rise and set, ppl watching and of course, spendin time wif all my old frenz and loved ones.
But of course, I cant stay this way too long lest I gt too comfortable and totally retreat myself frm the hectic, bz world around. Now I'm aching all over... I can feel every sore, every strained musle.
But as always, everytime when I feel tht my life is goin sumwhere, sumthing always happened tht makes me feel tht I am always nowhere where I even started. Like the sayin goes.. when it rains, it pours.
Blue Skies... Beyond the DarK Clouds.
I've watched KL Menjerit Satu yesterday. I shouldnt hav watched tht show. It stirred the ghosts of the past. Abt mtr racing and ppl dying in accidents... of frienship torn asunder. I hate it when tht happens coz it always reminds me how fragile life is... a firm reminder tht no one is immortal and nothin good is forever.
It is sumthing tht I always forget.. despite the price tht i've paid in blood. Do u knw how if feels like? Do u knw how if feels when sumone tht u cares is forever gone? Nothin.. nothin u can ever do can bring em back. No matter hw many good deeds u do... no matter how much u regret.
It is not sumthing I can decribe it in words. It is not sumthing I can xpress myself. But always one thing tht flashes in my minds eye.
It never fails to bring remorse... grief. Torment. Bitter regret.
It is purpose tht gives me strength to endure. Hope tht feeds tht purpose. Faith tht sustains tht hope. Like a domino... when one falls.. everything falls.
I am a liar. A betrayer. A guy who only thinks for himself. A black, tainted soul masquerading behind a veil of righteousness. A hypocrite. Darkness incarnate.
That's wht most ppl think of me. Can I balme them? But sumtimes, even when ur own family sez tht...
What can I say? Perhaps they might be right...
Sumtimes I feel tht it is better I live by myself. Remove my presence away frm them. Perhaps by doin so.. who knows... they are better without me.
Self pity and recrimination is not becumin of me. More often thn not... I let those words slide down my shoulders. But when hurled at me by my own family...
Perhaps they might be right...
Perhaps I am juz lying to myself. Perhaps I am indeed hav a black, black tainted heart. I so wanted to make them happy. So wanted to be tht successful, responsible son who is the head of the family. Let the end justify the means.
I'm tired. And when magrib sets in.. I sat all alone in this house. An empty table wif three empty chairs all alone in the dark. Lighted cigratte in hand... too tired to deny... i thought of nothin. Juz a vacant stare into the darkness feelin all the aches and pains. Fatigued.
I closed my eyes and felt sumthing tht i thought i'd lost.
Tears...