Can the silence be any deeper? Can there be a blacker nite?
Have you ever watched kids playing? I hav forgotten how it feels like to be like them running wild n carefree. Is that the thing of growing up then? Forgetting how to hav fun n being happy? The children's laughter... their smiles and innocence. Finding joy whatever they do, whenever and wherever they are.
The Lightside... compassion, empathy, courtesy, humility, happiness, religious, kindness n filial piety. All the things that are goodly. The Darkside... averice, greed, jealousy, hatred, sadistic, self centered, carnal pleasures n evil. All the things that causes pain and suffering. Everything that is wrong.
Words... i often struggled to find the right words to do justice to my feelins. I would often stare for long moments at the monitor, as a jumble of images n feelins ran amok in me. Sumtimes I would shut the monitor in frustrations, n look outisde my window in the darkness...
I am Shah. Shah DarKSidE. Whatever side. Sumtimes I feel like juz running away, abandoning all my beliefs n everything n juz let eveything as it is. But my sense of responsibilities.. as well as my care n concern for my loved ones would turn me back. Always, tht small voice... my conscience doin its duty, keepin the darkness at bay.
For how long can I run?
I am an enigma. Sum would call me a sadly confused adult. Others say they hav never met a more confident person whose full of wisdom. Sum would say I am a wolf in sheep clothing... a do gooder with a hidden agenda. While sum would say I am naive n guillible.
Which side of the equation I am?
No one can understand what I hav been through. The ordeals that I had endured. God spare me the knowledge that can kill a good soul. I heard that many times in my head. My post taruma beliefs. Of course it all sounds simple. Words are always simple. Easier said than done.
But for the person who goes thru it... one can only imagine the horrors and pains that was inflicted. The torment. The regret. And of course... the all consuming hatred.
How I wished I can write happy things. How I wished I am genuinely HAPPY juz like those kids on the playground. Its all about choices isnt it? Self help books and those happy go lucky ppl always said "You are happy IF you CHOOSE to be HAPPY"
Newflash pal... either you are one of those fortunately ppl whose everything juz rosy n peachy or naive n deluded, blinded by the happiness around you or juz plain clueless.
Sigh.. enuf hatred. There's juz too much hatred in this world. I no longer try to change the world. Juz merely try to get by it.
Outside.. I am happy. I walk the fine line between light n darkness. Those who knew me outside, they'd describe shah as a guy with an infectious laughter, kid like antics, kind n compassionate. When left to myself, away from prying eyes...that laughter n smile faded away...
Its never easy saying goodbye. Sum goodbye is forever.. while sum goodbye is only for a moment. My life has always been full of loss. Its the hardest thing to say goodbye, but experience had taught me how to endure the loss. Just suck it up n move on... try not to dwell on it. But, every now n then, i let my emotional barriers down to feel its pain n its loss. To grieve, to remember and to honour their contributions to my life's journey.
Goodbye my fren. You dubbed me Mr Crayon. I will always remember that endearing nick. And I dubbed u faith. Perhaps sumday... you too will realize the methods behind my madness. Of its necessity and the underlying reasons why. If not.. well... there's always hatred rampant in this world. Does it matter if one more is added?
