I really wanted to smile, I so wanted to be happy... what I lack, is the reason and sincerity. Perhaps, as time goes by, I will also lack the capacity.
There's a terrible emptiness in me... for so long I tried to banish that emptiness. i tried various ways n means. Everytime I thought i've find succcess, it always comes back. What is this emptiness? Could it be overwhelming sadness that my heart simply numbed it to protect myself, both physically n mentally?
No matter what I do... its always a step forward, two steps back.
Good deeds will only lead to more evil. It seems every good things that I do, sumthing always happens that will lead back to my dark tainted past. Its always easier to believe in sumthing bad rather than good. Sumhow, it always seems that my past precedes me. Always. i'm tired.. so tired. What's the use of me turnin over a new leaf if i were to always be remembered for all my worngdoing?
The only way for wrongdoin and suffering to spread is when good ppl do nothing.
I never do good to be remembered or talked about. All I wanted is juz to honour those who had gone before me... as well as trying to find my way back home.
Home. Home was when I was still a child all those years ago. I am a selfsh. I dun want to grow up. I want my family back.. a time when things are so much simpler n in black n white. There's no shades of grey.
Bein happy. And so I watched the children play. Their heartfelt laughter. Their happiness. And I can only remember back to the times when things were so, so much simpler then. Ignorence is bliss then.
And so, as always, I fast forward the years, recounting all the events that had shaped n defined me. Ignorence is not bliss, and like or not, there's such a thing called responsibilities and that no matter how long and how fast I run or turn a blind eye, there's always the piper I hav to pay.
And so I stopped running, took a deep breath and paid back the debt that I owed, with bloody intrests to pay.
My post trauma beliefs. How sad is that? Where do I begin to justify my actions? How could one even begin to comprehend when I myself find it so hard to express it in words. Words can only describe, not impart the feelings behind it.
Death. Look up in the dictionary. Betrayal. Again look up the dictionary. Happiness.. I can understand it... but how does it feel actually? How painful is my pain? How sad is my sadness? How much hate is my hatred?
Who then, can feel the depth of my emotion? How then can I justify the reasons why?
If my life is a movie... it has no genre. The world is a stage.. n all the ppl around me are the players. We all wear masks.. sum dont. Sum wear their emotions on their sleaves, sum dont. N how do u knw if that person's real character is underneath that mask? What if the person's real self IS the mask? Contradictons?
I willl always remember what sis told me. In life... even though I hated sumthing so much, but if its my responsilbility, I hav to do it. Coz if I dont, who else will? And so the wheel turns... bringing me further into the depth of the nite...
