My name is Shah.
So I keep repeating tht name to myself. I held the letter in my hand, feelin all the hope slowly crumble like hot ambers turnin to dust, and the breeze scatter the ashes. I am an optimist. I hav dreams. Rarely do I give voice to my dreams. When my dreams shatter, I feel the pain of its loss to the deepest core of my soul.
I had many dreams. Every year, I witness every dream tht I hav fade. Crushed. Sumtimes its put on hold. Sumtimes I forget myself to dream. Am tired of loosin tht dream. Its like I am out in the cold, and I lit a small, flickerin fire to warm myself. Yet the elements continue to extinguish tht warmth and I desperately try to keep it alive. Everytime tht fire dies, bitter coldness creeps in. And I keep relighting tht fire and protect it, time and time again.
Is this then, my long awaited retribution. What is the price of redemption? What must I do to the right a great wrong?
I asked myself tht. There never was an answer to tht question. Only an echo of myself askin tht question in my head. Shah always find answers in his life's experiece. But only this question yet remains.
What is the price behind my redemption? What is the sacrifice tht I hav to make? Do I lack the determination? All I ask is just one opportunity to prove myself. Or issit perhaps I lack the purity of soul?
I am tired. No amount of rest can refresh me. I hav forgotten when I started on this journey to redeem myself. Always, I nursed this small hope within me, tht my life is goin sumwhere. That I still hav sumthing. Perhaps I hav.. the question is.. Am I worthy?
How can i desribe my pain? How can I desribe my sadness? Alone I am sad. There's so many things that am sad about. Where do I begin?
But a small part of me... the responsible part of me. The one tht I've made a promise a long time ago. Wouldnt let myself giv up and walk away. Where can I walk to? Where can I run to? Sumtimes I try to find solace in the memory of all those who had gone before and their teachings. The list is long. Do I do them honour?
Hope floats. Here I am now, sinking into despair. Yet... I still struggle sumhow, against tht despair. Against my sadness. Against my pain.
Dad... I knw. I desperately want to believe. Sumday I will walk down tht road again. This time, when U hold out your hand to welcum me back home, I will face u wif a smile on my face and hug u forever more, and say tht i've kept my promise.
I do this, not because I'm forced to or I had to. I do this... because I wanted to. Because despite the path of hatred tht I used to walk, I realized tht I still care. My soul is very much intact.
For now though... I still hold tht letter in my hand. I allow myself to feel the loss. All the despair and hopeless and sadness. I hav always known tht there's more than one road to a dream. And I will find tht road. One way or another. It is just a question of when.
