Chronicles of Shah

Ive reached this stage in my life that will determine the rest of my life.

I've always known that I will reach this point in my life where the darkness ends and the light begins. Years ago, when I embrace the darkside, I promised myself tht wif time, I will emerge frm the suffocating darkness. Either tht, or totally succumb to it. I do not knw. It was not sumthing thats plan in the story of my life. Heck, there was no script, I make it as I go along. Whose line issit anyway?

If my life was a story, then it will hav all the colours of the rainbow.. yet with each passing moment, the colours started to fade, leaving only the black and white. In the end thought, there was only one colour, that was grey.

Sumtimes I try to sum the story of my life. From my sweet blisfull childhood to the torment that I feel in my teens, and the inner turmoils and uncertainties in my early years of adulthood. Lookin back like I always did, I was amazed that my soul still remained very much intact. Battered, though I had paid a heavy price, I remind myself... wht choice did i have?

What is my anchor in the maelstrom of the most terrible storm? Faith? Hatred? Luv? Perhaps all, perhaps none of the above. But perhaps it was the memory of those who had gone before me. The strongest of them all, was always my beloved dad. But even the strongerst of it all still crumbled to dust.. just like a stone to dust when exposed to the most harshest of elements.

Yeah. I remembered that stage of my life. Numb... a walkin shell of myself, devoid of all emotion. I cant feel pain, though I knw I was in pain, i just feel disconnected frm it. Initially, I thought that was a blessin. To be disconnected frm pain. The pains of my loss. The pains of my sadness. The pain of emptiness. Perhaps I hav experienced a different kind of pain. The loss of empathy. The most enduring and deep cuttin wound of them all.

Wifout pain, then I was already dead. I was already dead inside. For a time at least.

When I finally allowed myself to feel the pain, it was long overdue. The piper had a big grin on his face that day as he watched me writhe and thrash in agony and my tears. I experience a different emotion then. With the return of my emotions, I feel... regret. With that came another epiphany, that answered one of my life long question. What can change the nature of a person.... and the answer that I found was simple. Regret.

With that regret I found a whole new source of strength. A strength to look for redemption. To make amendments for the mistakes that I hav done. To atone for my sins. But like all things in life, the greater the redemption, the harder it is to achieve. The greater the struggle.

But there are also many things constant in my life. The search for inner peace. In seach of sumthing to banish the terrible emptiness thats like a bottomless pit in the void of my heart. There is an unnamed sadness that I can never describe. it is always there. Everytime I see my mother struggle when she do her prayers. Or when I realize juz how old my mum is frm time to time. Or perhaps the sacrifices that both my mum n sis made while I was juz but a boy still struggling to find the answers that was suddlenly thrust into him.

Perhaps there lies my greatest sadness. While they struggle to be the shield that protect me in the void that was created with my dad's departure, wht did I do? I chipped away frm that shield. I embraced the very darkness they desperately sought to protect me frm.

What choice do I have?

No one could understand the reason why. No one was there while I stood all alone that nite like a guy loosing his religion. When every principle that I believed and stood for turn against me. The pains from my bruises, cuts n injuries nothin compared to one of the most profound pain of them all. I may hav won this fight. My martial trainin assured me that. But like the sayin goes, I may hav won the battle, but lost the war. Dramatic? Not really.

I realized then martial perfection was not the only answer. I left that past behind me, like a butterfly leavin its chrysylis behind. I adapoted the nick DarKSidE. Symbolic of my hatred and all its dark trappins. I realized then that there was only one remainin option. A neccesary evil. I will be that darkness and use it against those who wields like a tool exploitin and manipulatin it. Learned I had, though the price was not measured in monetary terms.

Many names had I been called. Tarnished and whispered behind my back. No one could understand, only I only knws that it was sumthing that I had to do. Let them hate me, spite me. Let them avoid me like a plague carrier or a pariah. what do they knw? They r not in my shoes. Lost that i was in the man made hell that I've created for myself, I never lost sight of the reasons why. Away frm it all, @ times when I'm all alone at my fav place of peace, I ask myself... do I them, all those who had gone before me, honour?

25. Its like a magic number to me. 21 its still like trial membership. 22 its like still settling in. 23 and its like its gona end soon. 24 and i procastinate. But 24 was the catalyst. Many things happened while I was 24. And 25 IS the time to set things rite.

While the rest of the world celebrated new, I brooded all alone in my room while the rest prepare to welcum new year. Yes I played fireworks. I movie marathoned. But when my birtday came, it was indeed to set things in motion. The ultimate sacrifice and the long, hard road of redemption.

I shed the nick darkside. It was sumthing that I had to part. Indeed, the darkside in me snickered n sneered, knwing full well its juz so easy to slide back into it. I could almost here it laugh maniacally in me when I returned to my prayers and to the .. mosque.

Difficult it is. I brought many open episodes of my tormented past to a close this 2007. Its time to finish what I started a long time ago. I faced the ghost of my pasts, however painful it maybe. I am not alone. I am Shah. Thank you, for all that u hav done for me.