Chronicles of Shah

I do not hav all the answers.

Why izzit ppl says tht I do? Think. If I do hav all the answers, thn why I am the way I am? I never claimed tht I am a perfect person. Neither hav I claimed tht I am a good guy. No one is perfect, least of all me.

I never claimed to hav all the answers. I merely live my life by my set of principles tht I hav developed over the years based on my life xperiences. Principles like "Good things cum to those who wait" or "Treat ppl like how u'd like to be treated" and good begets good and vice versa. I believe in retribution. I believe in hope and the controversial faith.

Redemption. I paused and reflect on the meaning of tht word. One's opinion is open to own believe and their own grasp of understanding. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Who can rightfully say tht he's right and he's wrong? Even twins differ in fingermarks and tastes despite their identical appearance.

I live my life with what I believe. U cant do sumthing right if U dont believe it wholeheartedly. Hw can I kol myself honest if I do sumthing for the sake of doin it? I can pray but its useless if my heart is not open to it.

Its funny. Most ppl only raise their hands in prayer when in dire need of help or when they r knee deep in adversity. Yet, whn things r goin their way, they forget abt god. They forget to raise their hands in prayer for thankfullness. Yet, when in trouble again, they will do that again.. and again, the cycle goes on.

why do sumthing when ur heart is not into it? For the sake of doin it and get it done and over with? Hw many times I hav witness such xamples? Ppl rushin thru their Fri and terawih prayers? Or while in their prayers their thoughts amok wif matters like wht to eat or wht they gona do after werk etc etc?

I used to cum across a very startling xample. A faithless man came to a holy barber for a haircut. As the barber trimmed his hair, he, the faithless man, asked why is there such a god tht leave ppl in poverty, misery and suffering. Why god let there be so much despair, sadness, hatred and violence? The holy barber juz kept quiet, for he did not want to invoke the man's wrath and havin no good answer to giv a faithless, disbelieving man. The man continued tht there is no god tht he can see.

When the faithless man leaves, the holy barber comtemplated the man's obviously wrong and slanted statements. Then, as if by god's graces, an answer walked past him.

My goodman... looked at tht person. See his long, unkept shaggy hair? He can see tht I am a barber and tht is my shop. Why don't he cum and see me for a haircut? Same wif most ppl in this world my good man. They knw where to find god... itz juz tht they don't look for him....

Tht got me thinking. How true. I was a good alim guy once. A long time ago. But sumthing terrible happened. Sumthing so terrible tht shattered my faith and altered my perceptions. Should i write this down in this journal? What if.. sumone... or a group of ppl tht supposed to embody xcellent personified of my religious faith showed otherwise? Hyprocrisy and lust. I stumbled into the night... so long ago... my faith and principles crumbling into dust. Its like my solid wooden foundations were being weakened by termites frm within. I so remembered vividly now. The hot feeling of anger burning in my heart and the burning shame on my face. The bitter taste of betrayal in my mouth and searing tears of sadness in my eyes. I was so naive and gullible. I was let down by the very ppl who's supposed to be upholding the ideals of my faith. That night... I resolved. If the light failed to giv me solace, and I will find alternatives in the darkness. Found I hav. I will not be naive and gullible again.

I remembered sharing my turnin point to sumone tht I knw back then. She said these simple words to me... "God spare me the knwledge tht can kill a man's soul" Prove me wrong then. Show me concrete proof of my mistake and make me believe. Belief is the strongest hope. Since then I hav came across many ppl like i am. Ppl tht's so lost in the darkness... yet can recite and memorise the holy book like the back of their fingers. Ppl tht do so many good things yet choose to wear a very dark mask. These are kindred spritiy tht earned my respect And there are also ppl tht are well... lets just say vice versa.

I dont hav all the answers. I am not Mr Knw It All or Mr Right or whatever shit. I am merely livin my life the way I see fit. I nvr said I'm a good man. I'm wif my own dreams, desires and fallibilities. I am only human. I liv my own life the wif my own belief shaped by the encounters in my life. But I firmly believe, when the time cums, I will change. But tht change requires me believing it deep down in my heart. Its pointless to change for the sake of changing for sumone or for trying to impress tht sumone. At the end of the day, U hav ur own self to answer to. I am not a hyprocrite. I am not a liar. Least of all I am not a good alim guy. Only those closest to me knw the path tht I walk.

Its been close to two weeks now. Maybe more. I hav quit smokin. I gav it up becoz of my own beliefs... I firmly believe its for my own good. Wif tht belief results in iron conviction. I hav endured asthma, a very bad flu and even worse coughing. But the worse if over now, I merely hav to endure wif certain cravings after meals.

There are still things tht I need to settle... so many things demanding my attention. But I take things one at a time, the most improtant ones 1st and the trivial ones just slide my shoulders. Why worry of things tht I hav no power to change?