Nature abhors vacuum... and for me... i abhors lack of information. So I look for answers to fill tht void. I look for tht answer everywhere. Questions tht I believe can perhaps sumhow fill this emptyness tht is always inside me.
What is this emptiness?
I used to believe it was lack of achievement. Lack of progress in life. So I tried to fill tht void doin things tht I thought could fill tht gap. Persuit of knwledge and self-improvement. They said tht in life, it is only natural for one to improve and mature. After all, is it not character development to cultivate ourselves? As always, I rushed headlong wif this newfound knwledge. I immersed myself in books at the library and attend classes. But even then... as time passes by, I realized tht the emptiness still remains.
Realizing tht perhaps I was wrong, tht this emptiness is perhaps not caused by lack of achievement but sumthing moral, i look inwards, dedicating myself to doin nuthin but good. The moral high ground and spiritual fulfillment. After all, a person is remembered by his deeds. Again, I dedicate myself helpin those in need and other goodly deeds, frm the simple act of helpin a blind man cross the street to major relief efforts. And as time passes by... the feelin of emptiness yet remains.
Is ignorance bliss? I used to think tht way. But circumstances always act in a way tht constantly contradict what u believe was right. There were indeed times when I believe tht yes, ignorance is indeed bliss, and I turn a blind eye to everything around me. It proved a temporary respite however, for I would then receive a cold slap of reality and I'd make up loss time of ignorance.
Only to find tht the answer tht I seek is still as elusive as ever. Sumtimes I ask myself, am I the only one wif this terrible feelin of void in my heart? Or is it jus a matter of 'its in ur head' thingy?
I hate this feelin of profound emptiness. It is a feeling of not bein complete. Sumthing is missing, but what? I've walked down both the path of light and dark. The story of my life. Yet the emptiness remains. What is my solace?
These are the questions tht constantly haunts me. It makes me feel restless. Makes me wana juz rush out and do sumthing. Am i to believe tht my life has always been this way? What am I lacking? Purpose? Faith? Dreams?
I seriusly do not knw. Perhaps I am blinded. Sumtimes, when U look at the question too long, u blinded urself to the answer. Hav I been blinded?
I hav a companions to my emptiness. It is called pain. The constant pain at my spine is a constant reminder tht time is not a luxury tht I hav. I tried not to dwell on these grim reminders, I tried to find joy in the simple everyday life. Lil things tht we always took for granted. So many things tht I am at a loss to start givin names to the lil things in life. The simple pleasures.
But for now... I tried to banish the feelin of emptiness deep down inside and focus at what I do hav right now. Tried to be here... right now instead of thinkin abt tomorrow and the day after tht. Once again, I find warmth comfort in the darkness. The soft music at my pc. The coolness of the night... the fresh air. Here and now... however brief...
I am at peace.
