"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
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Memento
Monday, December 05, 2005
Time is not a luxury tht I hav.
It feels like only yesterday when I sit down infront of the computer typing out my recollectons... mementos as u call it, of all tht had happened in tht year.
I hav this habit see... everytime the year draws to a close, I would retreat away frm the word to do reflect all tht I hav done.. my achievements.. deeds and of course.. most importantly mistakes tht I hav made.
Time indeed flies. What hav I done... what I hav achieved.. wht hav I lost... so many questions. I like sitting in my room.. dark. Wif only faint luminations frm my monitor and the lights outside my window.
My room. Juz a small modest bachelor room. A single bed and a desktop table. A single wardrobe cupboard.. small... bt cramped. I believe my room can be a mesum of recollections of all things in my life tht happened. A single shattered and battered riding helmet. A guitar clad in black. Two remote controlled car gatherin dust. A bronze quran. A picture... all these are mementos in my life. A reminder of a point in my life. No i do not keep them for the reason of harkin back to those times.... but rather... as a constant reminder of who and wht I was. The reason behind my turning points. To remind myself.. the pain of every loss... Losses tht in turn givs me the strenth to go on. Let it be luv.. or even.. yes. Hatred.
Its human nature to forget. Worse... when I forget, I believe tht history might repeat itself. Indeed... 2005 is like a blur. It seems like only yesterday I celebrated my 23rd bday. It seems like only yersterday I began the year anew.. always full of hope. Yesterday...
2005. izzit any different like any other year? Yes and no. I hav lost frenz.. i've watched ppl change.. changes tht always makes me oftem sad than happy. Friendship torn usunder. Friendships drifting away. Betrayal and backstabbing.
Dysfunctional family. Perhaps I should describe myself as dysfunctional. Often I ponder and reflect.. desperate to find an answer tht can sumhow makes me able to unite my family. There were times when i sit alione in my room, tearing at my hair in frustration and hopelessness. Sumtimes the emotion is so great.. so confounding.. tht I juz sat in silence.... smokin my ass off and in such profound sorrow tht i juz stare blanky out the window.
I tried. I tried turnin to god... for so long... I prayed. Prayed for my family to cum together again. To let my mum be happy and strong... prayed for my mum and sis. But as always... my prayers fall on deaf ears.
Or perhaps I'm juz too far gone into the darkness for my prayers to be answered. Its been sum time now since I did my prayers. Too frustrated.. too bitter. Too much spite and hatred in my black, black heart tht I no longer care.
Once again I look around my room.. at my many mementos. There is my silat medals and my intructor's cert. There is my Sri Lanka's national flag given to me by the ppl there in honor of my relief efforts. There is Hazrul's Command & Conquer's platinum figurine of tesla trooper he gav it to me coz its his fav.. he wants me to hav it coz he wants me to put in my room (coz he knws i luv figurines) there is the guitar tht I used to play.. given to me frm her as my bday present. There is my tank thread pickup RC I gt frm dad on my 11th bday. So many more. Each of em a piece of fond memories tht leaves me wif bitterness... spite and a constant reminder I am still here.. clinging to the brink of sanity and reminding myself why I choose this path.
Regret can change the character of a person. Yes.. but is regret powerful enuf for tht person to maintain tht path of life he hav chosen? Indeed... there is no easy answer to tht.
Year in year out.. I lived my life as I see fit. Often.. my faith and principles in life is so thoroughly tested tht I sumtimes stumble and fall. Frindship and trust. I hav seen all the faces of friendship. And the consequences of misplaced trust.
There is this emptiness in me tht no amnt of deeds or achievemts can fill. When I walk alone at nights... lookin around me... all I feel is despair. The hope tht I cam redeem myself is fading day by day. Reality check time.
I am still nowhere. My family is still broken. I am nowhere near the 'sucessful & responsible' son. I still ached for more. My mother is not gettin any younger. Neither is my sis nor even me. And there is still a big question mark to my question.
Can one man makes a difference?
I tried once walking away.. to turn a blind eye to those ppl arnd me. Juz focusing on myself. I can't do tht.
I hav tried helpin ppl truly in need. Done tht. I went on relief effort. Still more for me to do. What then?
Gettin rid of undesirable ppl as frenz. Done tht. but it still eats at me. I hav lost frenz tht used to be close to me.. was it my fault? Adi.. he joined me on my relief efforts.. but turned his back on me juz becoz fo a stupid gerl. Is tht wht friendship is? Is friendship abt bein secrecy when a better employment opportunity turns up? Is friendship abt lies and bad mouthing ppl?
A toyed wif the tesla soldier.. hearing Hazrul's joyful laughter. That coffeeshop is closed now... and Hazrul gone. I gaze the shattered faceplate and I felt the remains of a scar on my left eyebrow.
These few days I hav been keepin to myself lately. Due to the pains of my ailments... and lately.. everywhere I look there is always memories. This is my december. Where the ghosts of past haunts me more than ever before as I struggle to find redemption.
It feels like only yesterday when I sit down infront of the computer typing out my recollectons... mementos as u call it, of all tht had happened in tht year.
I hav this habit see... everytime the year draws to a close, I would retreat away frm the word to do reflect all tht I hav done.. my achievements.. deeds and of course.. most importantly mistakes tht I hav made.
Time indeed flies. What hav I done... what I hav achieved.. wht hav I lost... so many questions. I like sitting in my room.. dark. Wif only faint luminations frm my monitor and the lights outside my window.
My room. Juz a small modest bachelor room. A single bed and a desktop table. A single wardrobe cupboard.. small... bt cramped. I believe my room can be a mesum of recollections of all things in my life tht happened. A single shattered and battered riding helmet. A guitar clad in black. Two remote controlled car gatherin dust. A bronze quran. A picture... all these are mementos in my life. A reminder of a point in my life. No i do not keep them for the reason of harkin back to those times.... but rather... as a constant reminder of who and wht I was. The reason behind my turning points. To remind myself.. the pain of every loss... Losses tht in turn givs me the strenth to go on. Let it be luv.. or even.. yes. Hatred.
Its human nature to forget. Worse... when I forget, I believe tht history might repeat itself. Indeed... 2005 is like a blur. It seems like only yesterday I celebrated my 23rd bday. It seems like only yersterday I began the year anew.. always full of hope. Yesterday...
2005. izzit any different like any other year? Yes and no. I hav lost frenz.. i've watched ppl change.. changes tht always makes me oftem sad than happy. Friendship torn usunder. Friendships drifting away. Betrayal and backstabbing.
Dysfunctional family. Perhaps I should describe myself as dysfunctional. Often I ponder and reflect.. desperate to find an answer tht can sumhow makes me able to unite my family. There were times when i sit alione in my room, tearing at my hair in frustration and hopelessness. Sumtimes the emotion is so great.. so confounding.. tht I juz sat in silence.... smokin my ass off and in such profound sorrow tht i juz stare blanky out the window.
I tried. I tried turnin to god... for so long... I prayed. Prayed for my family to cum together again. To let my mum be happy and strong... prayed for my mum and sis. But as always... my prayers fall on deaf ears.
Or perhaps I'm juz too far gone into the darkness for my prayers to be answered. Its been sum time now since I did my prayers. Too frustrated.. too bitter. Too much spite and hatred in my black, black heart tht I no longer care.
Once again I look around my room.. at my many mementos. There is my silat medals and my intructor's cert. There is my Sri Lanka's national flag given to me by the ppl there in honor of my relief efforts. There is Hazrul's Command & Conquer's platinum figurine of tesla trooper he gav it to me coz its his fav.. he wants me to hav it coz he wants me to put in my room (coz he knws i luv figurines) there is the guitar tht I used to play.. given to me frm her as my bday present. There is my tank thread pickup RC I gt frm dad on my 11th bday. So many more. Each of em a piece of fond memories tht leaves me wif bitterness... spite and a constant reminder I am still here.. clinging to the brink of sanity and reminding myself why I choose this path.
Regret can change the character of a person. Yes.. but is regret powerful enuf for tht person to maintain tht path of life he hav chosen? Indeed... there is no easy answer to tht.
Year in year out.. I lived my life as I see fit. Often.. my faith and principles in life is so thoroughly tested tht I sumtimes stumble and fall. Frindship and trust. I hav seen all the faces of friendship. And the consequences of misplaced trust.
There is this emptiness in me tht no amnt of deeds or achievemts can fill. When I walk alone at nights... lookin around me... all I feel is despair. The hope tht I cam redeem myself is fading day by day. Reality check time.
I am still nowhere. My family is still broken. I am nowhere near the 'sucessful & responsible' son. I still ached for more. My mother is not gettin any younger. Neither is my sis nor even me. And there is still a big question mark to my question.
Can one man makes a difference?
I tried once walking away.. to turn a blind eye to those ppl arnd me. Juz focusing on myself. I can't do tht.
I hav tried helpin ppl truly in need. Done tht. I went on relief effort. Still more for me to do. What then?
Gettin rid of undesirable ppl as frenz. Done tht. but it still eats at me. I hav lost frenz tht used to be close to me.. was it my fault? Adi.. he joined me on my relief efforts.. but turned his back on me juz becoz fo a stupid gerl. Is tht wht friendship is? Is friendship abt bein secrecy when a better employment opportunity turns up? Is friendship abt lies and bad mouthing ppl?
A toyed wif the tesla soldier.. hearing Hazrul's joyful laughter. That coffeeshop is closed now... and Hazrul gone. I gaze the shattered faceplate and I felt the remains of a scar on my left eyebrow.
These few days I hav been keepin to myself lately. Due to the pains of my ailments... and lately.. everywhere I look there is always memories. This is my december. Where the ghosts of past haunts me more than ever before as I struggle to find redemption.
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