I am shah.
Its time to pay the piper shah. I hav always knwn that. I can only run away for so long. Its about time i stop. So I turn, I gaze upon the specter of the past n look into the shadow of myself. It had no face, yet I can feel the familiar burnin anger n hatred. Yet, it was that hatred n anger that once gave me strength. I had embraced that shadow. The price I paid was compassion n emotion. It was a heavy price. But one that I had to make less I lose myself.
Exaggeration? Who can judge. No one knws this better than myself. I am one who believe the end justify the means. No one cares save myself. I had no one to lean on to. No one I can depend on. I had only myself. If i do not care, then who else will?
What is the nature of betrayal? Is it betrayal when a close fren of yours consort behind ur back to sumone that you used to care? What is friendship? Is it friendship when u help a friend yet that friend accuses you of sumthing that you are not? Or givin up on you? What is trust? Is it trust to tell sumone of ur greatest fear and then watch as ur fear haunts u?
I am shah. I keep repeating that. I am Shah. Still so much things for me to do. Sumday, I will hav the honour to call myself by my full name. That simple name. I used to be Shah DarKSidE. Melodramatic, I knw. But tht nick. Darkside. It was a reminder for me. Sumthing that I do not wish to happen again. It was a necessary evil. I was weak back then. I admit tht. Yet, it was that hatred n anger that gav me the strongest of strength. Tears were signs of weakness. Men do not cry. Only little boys do.
Immatured. I knw tht. It was hubris to think that at the age of 17 I thought I was matured. I knw better now. Men do shed tears, When they do, its the most profound pain of them all. It was the loss of those that mater to them the most. Sadness is not a sign of weakness. I hate weak people. I hated weakness. There I go again. Hate this, hate that.
So I hide behind this hatred. I hide my emotions. Showing emotions and sharin a person's past is a sign of weakness. A sign of weakness is an open invitation for that weakness to be exploited. And there are many cunning and manipulative deceptive people out there. Indeed, I had learned that the hard way. Time n time again.
I am Shah. I am no longer darkside.
That was the past. A past that I wanted to let go. Lettin go is not the same as forgettin about it or pretending it never happens. We all hav our darksides.
And so I nearly reach the end of the circle. I had experienced both the light and the dark. Now it is my wish to travel the fine line between the two. Its hard, I admit that. Though I feel very much alone, I knw I am not.
I write this now, to remind myself. I am not alone. Shah is not alone. I let myself feel hope. I knw, with time, I will redeem myself. Its never easy. But I hav made a promise. I will honour that promise. It will not be easy, it will require time, sacrifice and above all, determination. As long as I can remember the reasons why and learn frm the mistakes n the pains of my past, I believe I will not stray.
