Sumtimes I find it hard to believe.
There are sumthings that I'd rather forget. I always believe in a better tomorrow. So i said that everytime in my heart. Everyday. Everytime darkness falls. I said tht to myself. A better brighter tomorrow. I hope for the best, but always prepapre for the worst.
Optimist versus Pessimism.
Twenty five years of my life. I truly wonder where the light in my life ends n darkness begins. I am not a bad guy. So i tell myself that. If I were to be aligned, where would i be? Chaotic Good? Or vice versa.
There are many facets to my life. Depending on which angle that U see me through. Lookin back over the years, that is sumthing that I always do. I am not obcess wif my past. Merely lookin back n studying the choices that I've made. Its consequences n impact on other n on myself.
Scarred. Who to say that anyone ever goes through this life unscathed? Who knws? Perhaps there is a few, who can say? The world is big, and within in there are many ppl. Tryin to quantify this fact is like cuppin water in one's hand.
So 2006 ends and 2007 begins. This is my long overdue entry to 2007. I am no longer Shah DarKSidE. Darkside was the persona that I used to hide behind. Symbolic of the hatred and everything negative that used to be me. A constant reminder of all my lost n pains.
Can i truly say that I hav left tht behind me?
Can i honestly say that I am totally free of that stigma?
Alot had happened in juz one year. A year that was both wonderful yet sad. Bitter n sweet. Change is always constant. Yet the more things change, the more they stay the same. Bitter irony. What choice do i have?
There is always this one moment in my life that I can never describe. Perhaps there is more, i do not knw. It is not sumthing that I can conjure at a moments notice. Too many dormant memories that would only trigger at certain location.
Do I do them honour?
That was what I used to ask myself everytime I am alone, alone wif the gentle breeze caressin me, hearin its sad forlorn sound. Always in the dark for it is the darkness that I can clearly see moments of the pass replayed in my mind's eye. It is there, in this blurry replay I find solace. This is where the dead still lives and the answers awaits to be found. That is if I hav the wisdom to sift thru it.
Pain in my life cums side by side wif the meaning of loss. I hav lost much. I tried to bury that loss. Subluminate it. Lessen the sting. Banish the pain. Deny it. Guided by pain, powered by anger. I lost myself.
I distictly remembered that moment. I was cut deep. So knee deep in hatred n anger I was, that I couldnt feel the pain. I watched the blood flow n drip to the ground while my partner rushed to get medical attention. I couldnt feel the pain. Numb?
It takes greater courage to face the truth. What is that truth? That I am weak? That I was afraid? That my soul is beyond redemption? The truth that my life was a lie? That my principles are just justification of a lost tormented soul?
And so darkside was the person personified. A search to discover the truth. A dare to be proven wrong. Or an unspoken truth to be proved right all along. I am shah darkside. Am I?
