Chronicles of Shah

May It Be

I am not an evil man. Neither am I a saint. Do I believe in karma? Good begets good... wrong doin begets the same thing. Is there a universal scale out there tht's doin all the weighin and judging? Or izzit just misguided belief, encouraging us to do goodness?

Balance in all things. I knw there is still darkness lingering in my heart. Despite me trying to forsake my dark and tormented past. Sumtimes the past always finds a way to haunt me and I ask myself if this is my long awaited karma.

Its funny. I longed for peace and tranquil. I longed for redemption. I longed for heaven. But my actions thus far is a far cry for my taste of heaven. Hav u ever heard the hymn doa taubat? It never fails to move me to tears. It never fails to quench my thirst for inner peace and acceptance. There is still too much darkness in my heart. So much bitterness and hatred.. Its not sumthing that I can let go that easily.

I am weak. I am also strong. Weak. Strong. Izzit a contest of wills and physical? Mind over matter? Belief in faith? Is is sumthing tangible that I can see and touch? Or juz delusions?

I am strong... but am also weak. I am good but also evil. My life is a journey looking for answers to sumthing that I myself am no longer sure of. I am tired. No matter what I do... no matter how hard I tried. Life sumhow is so full of twist and turns. Nothin is constant... nothin is predictable.

I thought my family is on the mend. I thought everything is gona be allrite. I want to be sumone else. Sumone who is always happy. Sumone who is carefree. I dun care what the price is. But honestly... is that what I really want?

A leopard cannot change his spots. Life is so complicated and so alarmingly simple. There is sum universal truth that I cannot change. Like onions wif layers. Everybody hav layers. Its gettin to the core that is the heart of everything. Strip away the layers of darkness and u will find good. Strip away my laughter and u'll find tears. Strip away hope and u'll find despair. Strip away the childishness and u'll find maturity. Vice versa. So what will i find at the core?

A soul craving for inner peace and tranquil? I wished my life could be so much simpler. Perhaps it is, perhaps it is not. It is always easier to say, rather than do. U can be happy if u choose and act to be happy. U r sad becoz u choose to be sad.

I choose to be happy. I take steps to ensure that happiness. But like everything, I hav to earn it. I hav known great happiness before. Marred by losses that brought great sadness. But I never giv up hope. I keep trying. Each try I failed. I tried again and I succeed. But wif every happiness brings along sadness. The cycle goes on. Its like there is a universal weighing scale, goodness and happiness on one side, evil and sadness on the other. Everytime one side is heavier, sumthing is added on the other side to even things out.

I hav known sadness and happiness. I crave for inner peace becoz there is much turmoil and unrest in my life. I knw luv coz I hav been heartbroken before. I appreciete truth becoz lies are abundant. The ying and the yang. The black and white.

One cannot exists wifout the other. How can I say that I hav forsaken my dark tainted past? Oh I so remember the joy I feel when I ride back that S4. Hav I not sworn once before never to ride like that again? Steep cornering and breakneck speed.

How bout smoking and drinking? Why izzit that I still longed for that burning sensation in my throat? All my pain and suffering will banish. Or how bout carnal pleasure?

Where did my forgivness go? Only to be replaced by hatred? Or the longing that aroused when I see other people practicing their marshal prowess? I hav no asnwers to that. I thought I had put my past behind me. All these only proved that darkness still resides in my heart.

Regret. Change is only constant. Self-acceptance. People do indeed change. I once knew of a gerl fren of mine who's so into one nite stands. She luvs that life. I once thought her as sumone who was too wild and that she will never settle down. She was so lost in the darkness.. she was sumone I believe even xceeded my own darkness.

But she's engaged now. Gettin married this cumin 23april. She now wears that gear I so despised. But now she is indeed changed. Much calmer and quieter. She's the epitome of that gear that is so misunderstood. Most of my gerl frenz now r already into relationship. Gettin engaged or married.

You see... all of us hav our own darkness and redeeming qualities. She's that living proof of my mantra. To see the light, one muz be in the darkness. I'm not saying that I am rite. I too hav seen people who never emerge back into the light.

I ask myself now. Which side of the equation I am on. Wht are my dreams and aspirations?

The answer came easily into my mind. An image of an old man smiling to me wif that hint of a sad smile on his lips. I hav always known... that doin the rite thing, I hav to hold steady... and giv up the very thing that I hav always wanted the most.

Even my dreams. I dun hav much time. I am not gettin any younger. Juz becoz I am silent to do not think that I do not knw or care. There is this emptiness that I cannot begin to descibe that is ever present in my heart. Nuthin I ever do can banish it.

Its strange. I crave for peace yet luv werking at a very hectic place. So much laughter yet so much sadness. So lonely despite being surroinded by frenz and luved ones.

Its so peaceful here. Blue sunny skies and the sounds of vehicle passing by. I can feel every ache and pain. But I luxuriate it all. It reminds me, that I am only human. That I am not perfect. I am no saint. I neither hav all the answers. Nor am I ever rite all the time.

In the darkest nite, the weakest light shines all the brighter. I am changing. For better or worse, I do not knw. May It be. Let time tell.