Chronicles of Shah

Nothing is ever constant in life. What U think U hav figured it out often would test ur belief, ur faith and principles. Tht is my belief. Lookin back over the years of my life, I hav lived my life according to wht I belief. Tht belief being shaped by xperience at tht stage of my life. Experience tempered by wisdom. And I'd pause and reflect.. am I right or wrong? I never stopped reflecting on myself to the point tht I'm in a state of self adsorbtion.

I was once told to remember back the moment of my life tht marked the turnin point of my life. Let it be an xperience tht altered my perception of the world or the person tht changed ur life. Walking along the dark path by the beach, hands stuffed in my jacket, I was hit wif a slew of memories like an amnesiac man suddenly regained his lost memories. Overwhelmed, my eyes misted wif tears as waves of despair, sadness and loss hit me like a bucket of cold water. I tried to shut it out, but it continues to haunt me. Its as though all those sad and bitter memories were forcing out of the deepest recesses of my mind, like a floodgate once opened, its damned near impossible to close. I tried to force myself to remember all the sweet memories instead, but was surprised to find it so lil. Those few also leading to the events tht ended in tragedies, compounding my despair and sadness even more. For only it reminds me of the life tht I used to hav and then lost.

I realized thn there was no single event tht changed my life. I keep changing.. each change ignited by tragedy. Change is only constant.

That is the universal truth. If I am to say I am still the same shah, I'd be lying. True, physically I dont change much, wounds and scars do heal. I notice tht at times my scar seems to be more prominent when I look in the mirror, and sumtimes, I can barely notice it at all.

Change is like a snake shedding its skin. I can clearly remember the times when I was so lost, when I was weak and pathetic. My moments of weakness when I break down and weep alone. I cried against the injustice and the feeling of being powerless to do sumthing abt it.

When xactly had I turned to the path of darkness? I wasnt this way at all. When my dad passed away, I was a good alim guy. EVerything I did back then, it was what dad would hav xpected of me. Naive? Idealist? Yeah tht pretty sums up the word.

But then a series of unfortunate events happened to me and to my family. I embraced the darkness, for I was bitter and angry at the world. IF the light couldnt giv me the peace and solace I seek, perhaps the darkness will. But I guess I was so long lost in the darkness, tht I hav forgotten the reason why I came ther in the 1st place.

I AM not darkness incarnate. I am not without redemption. Sumtimes, when U look at the problem too long, u fail to see the answer beneath it. When U look at the light too long, u get blinded. And when U r the darkness too long, the light causes u pain.

I kept convincing those who juz made my acquitance of the 'real' me. That I am not as good as they think I am. I wanted them to stay away frm me. Run away frm 'bad' influence. That I am always up to no good. For indeed, most of the time, I am. I am not xactly what parents call role model.

"You'll never knw,

How much pride I hold in my heart

For the person you are and the things you do

For ur strength and ur gentleness,

Your courage and ur determination,

Your accomplishments and ur dreams."

That was wht she wrote for me on my bday card. Those who knw me skindeep, they'll be puking their guts out and wif incredulity on their face. Her words kept echoing in my mind. I thought I am indeed beyond redemption. I thought I was darkness incarnate. I tried so very hard of tryin to convince ppl tht I am. All these while I was hoping to be proved wrong. To see those who run away frm me cum back and say "Nice try shah, u r not as black hearted as u say u r. Your tainted past is not who u r, but what u do tht defines you."

Indeed, this is how I screen my frenz. A simple test of true friendship and the measure of a person's wisdom and maturity, like a litmus test for alkaline or acid. Those tht can see the real me benath my facade, r those whom I consider real and down to earth tht earned my respect. For indeed these are very special ppl whom r pure of heart.

Those words were like a wake up kol to me. Like a short sighted person given his glasses for the 1st time. Things tht were blurred looked sharper now. Looking back at my life now, I could indeed see my redeeming qualities. It was only I who chose not to remember my deeds. My field journal were more proof of tht. The other volunteers wrote my redeeming qualities inside. More importantly, her words are now constant reminder tht my heart do not beat black.

A short moment of epiphany tht answered years of lookin. Indeed, I realized now tht the only ppl in my life now are those ppl tht are special. Ppl tht posses the maturity and courage to be true to their own selves. For I hav weeded out those pretenders and hypocrites. Farewell and good riddance.

For I am now in good company. Those who hav done me good. That hav made me think and reflect my own self coz they hav showed me how. Showed the courage to speak out and show me the way. Thank you, frm the bottom of my heart. They have showed me the beginning of the way, I juz hav to walk it myself. I am not alone. I want to believe that.

Dad, wherever u are, if U can indeed see me, i hope u r proud of me. And for u... I want to believe tht you hav forgiven me all those years ago. I live so tht I can atone for all tht I hav done...

"Come and take a walk with me...

I need you to come and take a walk with me.

I need for you to feel what I'm going thru

And see what I see, if u gt time to take a walk with me.

Wait a minute now I knw u r bz,

But take the time out to walk with me

Pay attention on this walk with me,

Maybe I'm seeing sumthing wrong

Come along and make sure with me

Come and take a short walk with me.

I'm seeing a couple of things wrong with the way I'm living,

So come and walk with me I juz need a second opinion.

Introduce you to my friends I got to see if you notice

If they loyal or if they all got an alterior motive.

See to me its heavy, but to you it may seem petty.

Lets continue walking, I knw you aint tired already."

'Walk With Me' Joe Budden