Chronicles of Shah

Remorse, grief.. anger. Emotions are ez to understand when u read it or hear it frm ppl. But its the depth of those emotions tht juz couldn't be put into words or felt by the other person. Sumtimes, it is so distant n like sum ppl would say.. its only words. Sum hav detached and cool manner becoz they juz can't feel the emotion itself. Maybe even sum would nod their head or giv a ahuh or i understand... but can they really relate to it?

And of course, there's always sympathy.

But to sum, they CAN really relate to ur xperience, or even appreciete the depth of ur emotion.. empathy. Coz to these select few, they hav xperience it themselves.. and KNOW how it feels like.

I hav always wanted the simple life. To be really free of all these emotional baggage and personal problems tht I can pack into a jumbo jet.

But like all things in life... u can't hav everything.. and which life is without problems? Maybe to sum or most other... but not me. And i've heard worst.

Schadenfreude - a feelin of elation that cums frm learnin the sufferin/mishap of others. I was like that once. Like when I read the news or when I heard my rival/sumone I hated met wif an unfortunate incident. Like watchin the news and seein a motorcyclist who met a tragic accident and died, or a person bein conned/robbed and all other misfortunes. Its like "Hey, too bad for u man, juz as long as its not me" and then a silent prayer to god tht its not U.

Its human nature to abhor bein reminded of their mortality. That today might be their last. Honestly, who amongst us ever thought tht 2day is their last day? I mean even i am guilty of tht. "Heya buddy we meet on lets say tomorrow?" or "Heya hw bout we go fishin nex week?"

When I was juz a young boy... I used to think tht ppl never die. Heck.. i don't even knw wht death was.. it was not in my dictionary. but fate hav this tendency to reverse ur reality. I am now very familiar with sayin goodbye. More often thn not, u never gt the chance to say goodbye. Today u see... and tomorrow is juz a probability. its not like in dramas wher u hold tht person's hand as he lay dyin. All i ever see in my xperience... is a figure wrapped in white to be interred for burial.

Its been a year now since he left. My dear Azrul...Hazrul Bin Elfi. Did u knw wht dyin means? Or were u juz like me when I was a boy? Ignorant tht ppl can die... even ur ownself. And when U hav a close call wif death, u walk away traumatised and shaken.. swearin tht u will not do tht thing again tht caused ur close call wif death.

Life a struggle. I hav always known tht most ppl lead lives that r more joyous than me. Perhaps tht the reason why I can emphatise wif those ppl tht r less unfortunate thn me. And when I was in Sri Lanka on my relief efforts...

the kids there...

All I saw was Hazrul's eyes lookin at me. The same enthusiasm. Regardless tht they hav lost their parents or homes. Regardless of their own sufferin and hardship. I really miss u lil bro.

Its nostalgic. Life's twisted ironies. The good becums bad, and the bad becums good. And as always, I need to remind myself the reason why I wake up in the mornin.. all day everyday.