"Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. -Jan. 01, 2005
And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified.
And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.
That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."
In My Place... I'm Walking Away
July 2005| August 2005| September 2005| October 2005| November 2005| December 2005| January 2006| February 2006| March 2006| April 2006| May 2006| June 2006| July 2006| August 2006| September 2006| October 2006| November 2006| December 2006| January 2007| February 2007| March 2007| May 2007| June 2007| July 2007| September 2007| November 2007| January 2008|
Illuminated Rays of Shadows
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
"In This Farewell,
There's no blood,
There's no alibi.
I've drawn Regret from the truth of a thousand lies"
The chronicles of Shah DarKSide, comes to a close.
At long last I have the answer to that final question that I asked myself all these years. Which side of the equation do I belong? For so long, I have debated and pondered the intricacies of the light and the dark. The times when I feel the soft option is no longer available. The ease which I transition myself frm these two sides.
I have journeyed the road of redemption, flirted with the darkest of human nature. All these while, always the lingering question of why, how and when. Alternating between remorse and recklessness, plagued by regret and torment. Finding that ever elusive inner peace and walking the fine line between the light and the dark, hoping to have the best of both worlds.
Tentatively groping for answers, I have always felt that its always just within my reach. Time and time again it slipped from my fingers... leaving me to rethink my conclusion and my moments of epiphany. I thought I knew.
When I started this blog... the chronicles of darkside, what was my objective? Was it the biography of a man tainted by a dark and tormented past looking for answers and his redemption? In diaryland, it tells of a sad, tormented man looking for answers.
We cant see past a choice that we do not understand. In this blog, I have made my choice, I was tryin to understand that choice. I now understood, and now, I have the answer.
Yet it was not what I expected. Why I took so long to find out and understand, I do not knw. Perhaps another example of how god's ultimate plans for me. Nothing is always easy. Nothing is always certain.
The Light and the Dark. Light, does the darkness most fear. Yet, where was that light as I stood all alone that rainy night like a man losing his religion? Where was the compassion and empathy against the betrayal and hatred? Where was that darkness when I needed it most? Where was the hatred, anger and bitterness as I closed my eyes against the truth that was entombed right before my very eyes?
Shadows fear the light. The light have the power to extinguish the shadows. Yet, the shadows needed that light for its existence. Without light, then the shadow ceased to exist, swallowed by the darkness. Is my darkside, like a shadow in the presence of light?
For so long, I have thought my darkside like a curse. A stain to be removed, a cancer to be cut out. It is because of that taint of darkness I laboured to do nothing but good. Yet, at the same time, the darkness within me always seems to undermine everything that I have always stood for.
The darkside persona was created in the face of overwhelming loss. Its either embrace the darkness or be loss in the sea of insanity, break and forsake everything and become useless. I have no one to look up to, I have no guidance. I have no one to protect me. Fight fire with fire. I cant fight something I do not understand. To defeat the darkness around me, I have to first understand that darkness, its nature and what causes it. My principles and belief can only do so much.
What I am going to do will go against the very fabric of my moral fibre. Forgive me dad, for betraying eveything that u taught me. You were right dad. You wont be around forever to protect me. I am forsakin your teachings and ur principles. I am my own guy. Your faith can only protect me until here. This is where the light ends, this is where darkness begins. I will be that darkness. I will be that person and i have so long despised. I am so sorry dad. You are no longer around. I have no one. I have only me. I have to understand what it means to be evil.
In my mind's eye, out of that darkness, emerged myself in black with that deranged smile on my face. I can hear his maniacal laughter. I remembered the strength it granted from hatred. I had my 1st taste of this new 'darkside' persona when I entered the arena to face my 1st opponent. I remembered Sid's and Anwar's look on their face as I mercilessly pummeled my opponent into submission. I gloried with this new found strength. The determination to emerge top everytime, insensitive to other's feelings and emotions.
The things that I have done. Unfortunately, I got carried away. I shunted the darkness to the deepest recesses of my mind while I recuperate from my injuries. Too much of sumthing, let it be good or bad is never ideal. Yet, though I remained in the light after my sojourn into the darkness, im always amaze how easily the darkness resurface.
Perhaps it was age, with age comes experiece. With experience comes wisdom. Though one might argue that I am just 25, I feel like I am much, much older. Like the sayin goes, its not the age, but the mileage... or sumthing like that. I am not a bad person. Neither is my darkside to blame. I just did not know when to keep the genie back into the bottle, that's all.
I now realize that the darkness within me is a response when all else fails. When push comes to shove, where the light fails to reach, is where the darkness takes over. I have always blamed that the darkside was responsible for all the wrongs I had done. I was wrong. It doesnt work tht way. The darkside was like my fail safe option. If the right n proper way doesnt work, well, the alternate means is where the darkside comes in. It protected and succoured me when I have exhausted all other alternatives. It gets the job done. A necesary evil? Evil is such a harsh word.
I realized this when maya came into my life. The darkside no longer stirred within me. It is dormant now for I have no longer needed it. Gone were my loneliness and pain. Darkside somehow used to isolate the worst of that, turnin my weakness into sumthing that drives me on. Failing and giving up was never an option. I have always cared. It was just the method of attaining my objectives. Like I have always said, let the end justify the means.
Light, does the darkness most fear. Light up the darkness. She is that light. I remembered time and time again, no matter how hard I tried to push her away from me, she steadfastly remained by my side, determined to travel down this road I have chosen for myself.
What is it that she saw in me that others could not? Why didnt she give up on me like so many others did? Was it because I let her travel this journey of mine by my side as an equal? She neither try to lead me like others did, nor chose to mimic my move behind me, only to blame me as the cause of it. Yet neither can I deny the changes she have brought into my life. As maya is the light in my life, the darkside withdrew once again, knowing that I no longer have the need for it.
It was kinda strange and nostalgic at the same time... like sayin farewell to a long time friend. I couldnt deny, had I not turned into the darkness for answers... I would be gone, lost. It was a good type of darkness, like a shadow that follows my every move, never leaving me alone. I am sane, if you are worried that I treat my shadow as a silent frend. But when everything and everyone abandons you...
In my minds eyes, the darkside, always scorned and so misunderstood, I now look at it as an asset. I no longer shun and try to bury it. I was wrong to think it as a cancer to chemoed, or a stain to be removed. I wouldnt be what I am now without it. The darkside looks up, weary of bein blamed. Yet it was sumthing that I called upon time and time again in times of dire need, a last resort that never let me down. But instead of bein shunned or blamed, I held out my hand, like greeting an old long lost fren. The image of me, dark and brooding, looks back at me. A silent understanding pass between us. Rouse me... when u need me.
So the darkside slumbers. Dormant yet vigilant. When all else fails, when I have but one last option, I knw that the darkness will grant me the strength to forge on. Which side of the equation I am on? Neither. I am a free man. No longer is my motto, "To See The Light, One Must be In the Dark." I am no longer shah darkside. I am Shah, just a Man, with his will to survive. No, not only content to survive, but achieve his dream as well.
2007 comes to a close and with it the most important question of all have been answered. I have closed many open chapters to a close as well. I have mended friendships, accepted my past and made peace with my family and most importantly myself.
That I did. I am no longer the same Shah. I tread both worlds confidently now, now that I have solved the mystery between the relationship between light and dark. It had been an ardous journey. My family too understood the necessity of it and accepted it. I have made my choice and my path to the future is clear. It is time for me to move on. The next chapter of my life beckons. I am not alone. With this words I bring the final chapter of Chronicles Of DarKSide to a close. Do not worry dad, the family is in good hands. I have stopped running. It is time to light up the darkness.
"Things may not go as you plan,
Dark clouds might bring you pain,
But I will be in your heart still.
Telling you Dont Look Down"
David Ryan Harris, Dont Look Down
OST Biker Boys.
(0) comments
White Cotton Candy
Friday, November 09, 2007
Clouds... beautiful arent they?
I was woken up mid after noon by the caress of breeze thru my window. It was so peaceful... the distant sound of engines and ... construction werks. Weird? I was roused frm my slumber frm the profound peace... u see... this sounds reminded me when i was still a child in my early kindergarten days. Life was so wonderful back then. Simple and so much less complicated.
For a while, I thought I was wakin up from a terrible nightmare. A nightmare tht I had always wished to end, when I open my eyes i'd wished tht Im back in my old and familiar warmth of my childhood home.
But of course, those are wistful thinkin and a silly wish. As reality sets in and as my eyes adjust to the sunny brightness, the breeze continue to blow the curtains, casting silhouttes of shadows. I made my way to the window, feelin the peace and tranquility.
Time is 1430. Soon I will be preparin for skool and after tht rush to my werk place. So many things had happened since my last entry. I dun have time to update these days. I so miss havin sunny fun, namely fishin or swimmin in the sea or even juz a simple stroll by the beach in my shades and bermuda pants. I love nature. I love the peace and quiet. I miss cycling by the beach. I miss juz chillin by the beach... I juz do not want to think abt my never ending werk and my ever increasin school load.
Blue sky... my fatigued eyes roam the endless expense of blue sky. A cloud there, a cloud over there... it reminds me of white cotton candy and the clear, blue sky the wide, open space of freedom. Of course i'd wished I could fly... but of course thts ridiculous. Im no David Copperfield. So instead, i'd wished that Im not havin skool and werk tonite but instead im at the sea now, hear the waves crash against the shore, the wind caressin my skin and my eyes closed luxuriatin in the peace and tranquil.
For once, do nothing and think of nothing.