There were times when I wished I was someone else.
Dont we all? Everytime we find ourselves trapped between the proverbial hard rock and a hard place, we take a look around and wished that we are that fortunate soul that's everything's allright. Schadunfreaude. The place where I werk, I had schadunfreaude by the bucket loads.
I dont belong here. I am... like a nomad, a wonderer. Never stayin put at a place for too long. I always believe in learnin all that I can, contribute to make life/werk better and more efficicient. Like the saying goes.. the employer takin care of its employee, and in return, the employee will be more motivated to werk harder and be more efficient to return the welfare the employer hav shown to its employee.
Its been a year since i've werk there. I've met several old frenz there. Sum frm the airport, sum... well, frm my haunted past. Sum were able to recognize me, some, well, lets juz say that N95s and surgical masks make for good disguises.
There world, is getting smaller and smaller.
I am but a poor man. That is the simple and honest truth. Neither am I a good and pious man. I've done many questionable things in the past. Things that I wont bother to explain and justify. Others who had witness both my morally high actions as well as the dark ones would testify that I am a wolf in sheep clothing. The sad fact is good deeds is like a house of cards. It just takes one mistake, one misconception or misintepratation, and the whole house cums crashin and toppling down.
Is my life then, like a house of cards?
I am but a poor man. Thats the reason why I let go of my Superfour. Thats the reason why I dun go to fancy restaurants or wear fancy clothes. Thats the reason for my simple life. I always believe in preparin for rainy days. In my life, when it rains, it pours.
Sumtimes I'm better off alone. That was what I used to believe. Growing up, that was my principle. Relying on myself, getting things done without the assistance of others. I do not like being indebted to ppl. But there are sum ppl willing to help me. Willing to sacrifice their all for me. I always will remember their deeds. It was their sacrifice that I still cling on to this belief, that are sum good souls left out there, however few they may be.
There are also fewer still, that despite my tenacious efforts to push them away, scaring them wif my 'supposedly' darkside yet they still insist that my heart does not beat black. "Your past is the past. You are not defined by ur past. But what u do now, that defines you. All I see is someone trying to make amends for the mistakes that he had done. Sumone who is full of hope."
There is but one constant companion in my life. No its not pain pain anymore. She's maya. She alone knew almost all of my past. She alone choose to accompany this haunted journey of mine. There were many times I tried pushing her away frm me. To recant her decision and this perceived image of me of bein a "bad person with a good heart." Most indeed leave me, but she alone stayed.
I used to think that I hav nothing to loose. Now that I am 25, among my frenz, I am still the only one who's still not engaged or married. But if u can wait, I promise, I will be that man that I've always dream of. It will take time and sacrifice. But it is because of that dream, I will pay that price.
I will always remember they joy everytime when we go out together. Hw i'd always be like a kid when I am with her. There were times when I withdraw away frm her. This is the time when I retreat frm the world to deal with my neverending problems. Yet she would wait. Always waiting...
