Good deeds never always produce good karma.
Juz because I turned my back on the darkness does not mean I am protected frm it. I used to believe that one good deed deserves another. So I believed, once, a long time ago. I believed in it again, only recently. Or so I thought.
I was Shah DarKSidE. Emphasis on the word was. Maya made me believe that it was not my past that mattered... only what I do now that defines me. Sumtimes it is easy to believe. In my better days, sumtimes in my dreams... I am that man. I hav this illusion that I can turn my back on the things that I hav done and atone for it.
No good deeds goes unpunished.
Is this another test? Another test on my principles, beliefs and faith? How much longer am I to be tested before it ends? How long before I can finally have my happily ever after? A decade? A decade after the next?
I am at an impasse now. The darkness within snickered and sneered at all the good things that I hav done. I go everywhere believin that every hand raised in hatred at me. Where is that fine line between the light and the dark that I hav been raving about? Hopelessly blurred. Perhaps it was foolish of me to think that I can tread both worlds.
They say god always tests us our resolve; how firm our beliefs, principles and faith. Hav I made a difference? It is not sumthing I can see. It is not sumthing tangible that I can hold on to. Many times I did acts of kindness that not many can see. I want to believe that the almighty can see that. My right hand book is heavy... but that is what I want to believe.
How long hav i waited for that turnin point of my life? Last year? This year? Next year? Everytime I thought my life is going sumwhere, it always ended where it started in the 1st place. Nowhere.
I thought I could quit. I thought if I lived my life doin nothin but good, goodness will sumhow find its way back to me.
It is so disappointing, sad and what else can i describe? When I do sumthing good in accordance to my beliefs and principles, only to hav it turn back and bite me. It could be worse i guess. Any moment now. Another test of my principles and beliefs then?
How ironic. IF I were to choose the easy way... it would not hav turn out this way. Is this how it should turn out when I did the RIGHT thing?
I do not like feelin this way. So I turned away frm that feelin. Feelin of betrayal and doubt. Betrayal of my beliefs. Doubts of my principles. As I turned those feelins away, sumthing surged to fill in that void.
How long can a man fight the darkness, without succumbin to it?
