Responsibilties.
I used to run from it. Run as far away as possible. It weighs heavily on my shoulders. I hav forgotten how it feels like to be without it. I think i hav always known how it feels like. Its just tht I dun allow myself to remember it. Or else I would longed for it. With tht longin comes temptation. I fear I might succumb to tht temptation and start runnin again.
And once started, it would gain momentum, and hard to arrest tht motion.
As I grow older, runnin away frm it is gettin harder and harder. After all, hw many old men hav u seen can run as fast as a man in his prime? I am 25 now.. but believe me, there were times I feel twice my age. I would always look myself in the mirror these days. Granted I may still retain the look of youth, but the streaks of white giv lie to my youthfull visage. Heck, there was once a photo of mine tht made me really look OLD.
25. I remembered when I was 7 I wondered hw'd it be like when I reach 9. And when I was 9 I'd wondered hw'd I be when 12. When I was 13 I stopped wondering abt the future all together. What is responsibility?
This is a question asked by a man whose weary and fatigued. Worn out. Yet givin out and start running again is not an option. I hav always said tht pain is my constant companion. Is my life driven by responsibilities then?
Honestly. I do knw wht my responsibilities are. I was an unresponsible person before. For a long time. Fear of it had kept me running. What is tht cause of fear? Unprepared? Untrained? Lazyness?
But will u believe it, if the reason behind it all was because loss of hope?
There are many different facets to my life. Like a man dyin of thirst... holding out his hands cuppin frm a faucet waiting for just tht silver drop of cool water to his parched lips. Even a single drop, is the sweetest of it all. Yet one is never enough.
I am not a bad guy. Shah is not a bad guy. I keep remindin myself tht. Shah WAS a bad person. With a good heart. Not many can see tht. Even fewer knws the truth.
I hav a dream. I always cherish tht dream, zealously protectin it frm everyone, keepin it closest to my heart, givin me the strength to face the darkest of human emotions. Overcumin all the pain. Dad hav always said to never giv in to the pain. I will always remember tht.
This cumin week will be a very taxin one for me. But I will not succumb to the temptations of ciggies. Or any other temptations for tht matter for I now hav a new source of strength.
