I've been very busy lately.
I will always remember. But sumhow, even memories fade over time. I've lost tracked of time. To me, sum memories will always be like only yesterday. Its been over a month since I last updated. Blame it on my oh-so-busy schedule. Blame it on procrastination. Heck... maybe there's juz too many things on my mind tht I dont even knw where to begin. Or perhaps I've been infected with the lazy bug... my mind is not werkin overtime when it comes infront of the pc. Sumtimes I dont even knw wht I am talkin abt.
Its been awhile. April.. then now May. So much things happened in such a short period of time. Physically and mentally spent. My physical body protesting wif every movements I've made. Sumtimes I'm so xhausted that I juz crash onto my bed wif my werk clothes on. And as always. I dream. Dream of you. Dream of ppl tht hav gone by. A life I once had. Or perhaps the life tht I've always wanted.
People said tht if U believe in sumthing hard enough... wif effort and hope... as well as faith. Tht's ur recipe to a dream come true. I am not writin this now to tell u tht is the truth. Nothing is concrete. Maya always said tht ppl change. Perhaps she leaned it frm me. Perhaps I've used tht word all too often.
Time heals all wounds. Sumtimes I wonder does tainted memory heals too? My life hav this tendecy to hav sum part of my past resurfacing itself. I remembered Hazrul's childish, boyish nature in two boys when I was out fishin with Maya. "Wah jauh sei pegi..." I casted my 2nd line and they xclaimed "Wah! Ni LAGI jauh!" Sumhow their enthusiasm reminded me alot of Hazrul. I wondered for awhile bit remembered tht I nvr brought Hazrul out fishin. Maya, perhaps noticin tht I had becum distant, seemed to be readin my thougths when she asked me "How old was Hazrul?" That brought me out of my trip down the memory lane. How old was Hazrul? Seven or nine? I wasnt so certain anymore. I realized, to my horror, tht though I can still remember him... certain part of his details became blur... faded.
I looked up my old archieve in diaryland. A chapter of my life tht I had long ago close and never wanted to look back at in anymore. There, I read again that last entry. Saying Goodbye. Its never easy. Though I hav lost so many ppl tht I care, it never is easy. If Hazrul is still around, he would be takin his PSLE now. Sigh. Its not good to dwell on the past. I can only do what I can do now. That is, to honour his memory. Remember tht cute, botak pale boy whose wide eyes is ever so bright and happy... despite his terrible pain. And his 1st ever Milo Dino.
I also remembered clearly... on Mother's Day, my sis and I treated mum out to Sakura International Buffet @ Downtown. Though we had made reservations, we still had join the que. Sumhow, I concentrated on my mirrored reflection. There was sis wif mum... and I imaged dad stading beside me in tht reflection. He would look older now... and slightly shorter too. He looked side to side, waiting to see an opening to squeeze into, no doubt pullin me by the hand like he always did to follow him. He saw me lookin @ him in the reflection, and smile @ me. With a jolt I mentally shook myself... realizin tht I was carried away wif my musings and imagination. Here and now shah. Here and now. U've been remisnicent too much of the past. They're gone... and nothing I can do can bring them back. I keep tellin myself tht.
But another voice spoke to me. They may be gone... yes, but tht doesnt mean they're forgotten. They must be a balance sumwhere. A fine line between the past, the present and the future. I've had a tormented past... a now to live to the fullest... and a future tht I hav envisioned.
It is because of this envisioned future I had made peace wif my past. Though it still throb once in awhille and the insane, manic laughter of darkside still haunts me... it is time I move on. Plans that I hav already put in motion. Plans that I am determined to see it to the end, no matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice and pain.
My fingers twitching for tht oh so familiar stick in between my fingers and my lungs aching for them, I refuse to give in. No amount of ciggs and painkillers can forever banish the pain. I hav a dream. I will werk towards achieving tht dream. When I hav achieve it, I will write it down.
All for u. Always you.
