Here wifout you...
Its been physically n mentally demanding time. The lack of updates is a testament to my rigorous schedule. Its really a challenge for me dividing my time between werk, responsibilites and personal downtime. I am worn out, fatigued and ready to fall apart at any time. The only thing keeping me together is my faith and an all too aware of the responsibilities that's weighing heavily on my shoulders.
What dreams may come. There is rare moments of peace for me. The excruciatin pains of my old injury is becumin more prominent than ever. Even in my slumber... troubling dreams continue to haunt me.
I am awake now, havin jolted from my slumber because of a dream. Always dreams that jolted me from slumber. Dreams that are an alternate 'what if' at certain points of my life. Dreams that my dad was still alive. Dreams that I am the man I hav alwanted to be. Friends of old that hav gone before me... n a life that I used to hav but lost.
Its strange... and heartwrenching really. In my dreams... why izzit that I knw that they are already gone? I would often juz look at them as they go abt their lives. Its sumthing like back to the future but its juz that I cant tell them that they are dead... or warn them sumhow abt their impending death? All I could do was juz watch them wif a terrible longing in my heart.
I so wanted to tell them how much they meant to me. That i've missed them all my life, to thank them for givin me the strength to go on.. to forge ahead n never give up, no matter how dark the prospects are.
I am like a traveller lookin for the mystical holy grail. Or perhaps juz a lost soul.. stumbling and limping towards that distant light at the end of the tunnel. Everytime I feel like givin up.. all I hav to do is to remember how my past that came to be.
That's the reason why I never wanted to forget... for fear that history might repeat itself. But also, it cums wif a terrible price. While remembering the past does indeed gives me the strength to endure the future, it also fills my soul wif an unnamed sadness that is all too constant in my life. There can be rare moments of peace. But it is a price I am all willing to pay. There can be no true peace, not till the day I hav closed my eyes.
Thats the reason why behind all my good deeds that I perform. So that I hav enuff deeds under my name that when my time finally cums.. i can rest easy knowing that I had performed my responsibilites n fulfilled all my promises. I can finally put my soul to rest for all time. I am juz like Constantine, doin goodness to purchase a ticket out of the hell that I made for myself.
I used to run frm my past n my responsibilites. I am tired of that. Now, I embrace all the things that I hav to do, taking it as it goes. I am so tired of running. Everytime I feel like givin up and taking the easy way out.. all i hav to remember is ur peaceful face that nite thirteen years ago... or mum's frail white lookin face. Everytime I feel reckless, all I hav to see is the battered helmet n the shattered faceplate. When I am all alone in the dead of the nite, all I hav to do is close my eyes...
Perhaps sumday, I can walk down that same path again.. and perhaps you will be waiting for me wif that smile on ur face wif ur hand out to welcum me back home again.
For now though, despite all my pain and sorrow... I still forge on. In ur honour, and those who hav gone before me. U r always in my prayers.
