Nothing is more painful than losing a loved one.
All my life hav been marred by loss. I am used to that. In my effort of self-preservation, I built emotional barriers to shield myself frm despair n grief. I distanced myself, often being seen as aloof or even cold. It is not easy for me to becum attached to anyone, often relying on my own self. I mistakenly thought, that by distancing myself to others, I would be safe. I am rite but I am also wrong.
Am I right to say that i dun wear my heart on my sleeve? Perhaps I hav been xposed to so much loss that I hav developed the necessary emotional armour? I always pride myself of a guy with emotional maturity. But wht does it mean really? Emotional maturity? The knowin when to feel the proper emotion? Or keepin a tight rein on ur emotion? Leading ur life followin ur impetious emotions is a sure way to disaster. Forget abt the movies where a sudden ephipany of love makes u run marathon juz to declare ur undying luv to that person jzu at the very last hour. To me... movies are juz that... movies.
If my life is a movie... what movie would it be? Tragedy? Or perhaps more like the tv series, Days Of Our Life? Neh.. my life would be abit of everything mixed into one. The Never Ending Story.
Am I a man running away from my past? Running away is too irresponsible. I am more like a man who wants to bury his pasts, deal with the questions thats plaquing my subconscious mind and unlock human wisdom. Therein, perhaps lies my key to salvation. Salvation not in an assured place in the promised land, but rather, fulfillin my promise and seekin the peace of mind that many of us seek but really few ever attained.
Its a small world really. Will I be remembered for the good that I hav done? Or will my past precedes me? I feel like there is a scale out there... keeping the balance. Too much joy and sadness cums in. Too much sadness and sumthing will happen that will bring in joy.. vice versa.
Always, I will cum across sumthing that will remind me of my past life. Let it be a sentence or even a small thing. Yes, I hav an acute sense of perception that makes me notice all the lil things in life that many take for granted.
Often, that will trigger memories... or flashbacks. Memories of joy and sadness. Am I then, fueled by emotions and memories? Faith. Is that the only source of my strength? Or izzit responsibility or hatred? Perhaps the answer lies sumwhere in between. Balance in all things rite?
But when the dead of the nite sets in, when my family slumbers peacefully.. only then I realized the illusion of strength as I feel all the pains of the day. I am not as strong as I thought. I am... only human.
So much had happened in such a short span of time. Well, perhaps when so mich things happened that's the reason why I feel time flies. Physically,mentally and spiritually exhausted, I wished there is sumthing more that I could hav done. But what? What is that sumthing that I feel I overlooked? Flowers. I luv flowers. Odd isnt it? A guy who luv admiring roses and carnations. Or any bright coloured flowers. That was my gift to mum.
And this song... evokes me of memories... it reminds me of two distinctive figures in my past. I really miss them during these dark times.
