Chronicles of Shah

Its been awhile since I last updated my entries.

I've been bz coping wif my new werk. Its been more than a month I'm there, gradually coping to the hectic and chaos there. I've seen many aspects of human nature.. from the most self centered and unreasonable demanding ppl to the most compassionationate and understanding of them all. I've handled frayed and ruffled tempers as well as calm and cool composed patients and relatives.

I hav always wanted to pen it down.. but most often I would juz stare at my monitor, as vivid recollections of the day's events continue to play in my mind's eyes. I would often struggle to find the words, only to juz shut it down and head to bed, feeling all the aches and pains accumulated in the days work.

i feel that I've aged considerable since then. Most of the pix that I often took wif Maya and the gang showed that. I seem to hav lost my boyish look. These few weeks hav been sort sort of makin peace with my past. My family is cumin along well... mum is scheduled for surgery this end of April.. both mum and sis are worried while i juz maintain my cool. After all, wht good am I if I add my own jittery to the mix? What can I say? Agree with mum n sis abt fear of bein put under the knife? Or of the terrible pain she hav to endure after anesthetics wear off?

I am no stranger to pain. I find it better to giv the honest truth rather than lie to giv false comfort. After all, I am an optimist tapered wif reality. I believe everything is always for the greater good.

I've met wif my wayward bros and old frenz. Maya even coaxed me to visit her old fren at her werk place.

We all are looking for honest true love. To be luved and adored for who and what we are. To fill this unnnamed emptiness in the core of our soul. Wasnt that was what Adam feel in the garden of eden? All the pleasure in our life is incomplete wifout that special sumone to share.

Human beings hav unlimited wants and needs. Limited by purchasing power. When there is demand, there will always be supply. When there is no demand, supply too will cease to exist. Ponder these words of mine, for I hav learned this in my brief sojourn at NYP school of business.

We are not born evil. Hav u seen the advert of last time anti-drug campaign and stop crime? Do u remember the poster of a body of a jailed man but wif the head of a smiling infant? No one is born a criminal. No one is born as a theif or prostitute. We are born as equals. Innocent, unblemished and pure. Cut, we all bleed the same colour.

Evil is not inherent in me. I was not always DarKSidE. I was a good alim person before. But then... several bad things happened to me. Betrayal. Betrayal of trust. Heartbreaks. Disappointments. Friendship torn asunder. Betrayal of faith. Broken promises. Lies. Carnal pleasures.

I remembered well that nite. Blinded by rage. All my principles and faith crumbling to ashes all around me. Like a person losing his religion. What is a man with no principles and faith? Hav all that I've been taught a lie? Or juz sad delusion?

With nothing to loose, I choose the path of darkness that for so long had tempted me. This is not StarWars of how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. Like the saying goes, if u cant beat them, join them.

Is is so damn easy to choose the easy way out. Between the choice between right and easy... of course we choose easy. The right choice demands determination and sacrifice.

Who is to say which is stronger? The strength of flesh? Or the strength of willpower?

I hav walked down the path of violence. Hatred giving me strength behind every shattering punch that breaks noses and devastating kicks that fracture bones. That same hatred taunting me to always get back to my feet everytime I feel the cold hard earth.

Hatred is indeed a powerful things that fuels me back then. I was filled wif so much hatred. It was so easy to hate. To hate god for taking him away frm me. To hate all gerls for they're juz bitches inside masquearading behind veils.

But then... luv made me soft. Makes me weak. Luv make me aware of all my pains. The pains of my heart the most profound. But luv awakens my slumbering conscience. Which in turn makes me discover compassion and empathy. The circle was complete when it ended wif regret.

What can change the nature of a man? I had pondered that ever since dad passed away. I wanted to change. I wanted to change from a 11 year old naive mentah jagung boy to an adult that my father hav always dreamed of. At first I thought it was loss that was the catalyst to change. I was proven disasterously wrong. I thought it was luv from all the romance novels that I read. I was again wrong when I failed so many times in relationships. That failure resulted in hatred, and i thought it was hatred then.

For so long I channel that hatred in my martial training. Hatred making me strong.. bolstered by that stength, I became arrogant n complacent. Fate werk in such strange ways that sumhow stripped me of all hatred to be replaced by humility.

In that span of almost a year that I've withdrawn from the world around me to recuperate, i've pondered the intricacies of life. Broken and scarred frm my close brush wif the grim reaper, I tried to pierce together my shattered life. Looking back, I experienced bitter regret.

What can change the nature of a person? Regret. Regret from guilt of all the hurt that I've caused. Regret of all the heart that I had trampled. Regret burns stronger than hatred that runs together wif sorrow and grief. With that regret cums grim determination to never again coz that same regret. Making things rite. That is what I call redemption.

Its been years now. All that arrogance and outright hatred is gone as well as the self denial. The 1st small step in becumin a better person is self acceptance. With self acceptance we will gradually cum to luv ourselves, embracing all our flaws and focusing on our diverse strengths. I acknowledge my DarKSidE... and consoled myself with the goodness that I hav done to balance it out. No human is perfect. To reach for perfection is a sure way to fail.

Balance in all things. Like pieces of the jigsaw fallin into place... I feel that I am now a step closer to finding the truth. I find wisdom and truth to all the saying and proverbs. Such as 'before u can luv others u hav to luv urself'

What is luv than? "Honest luv makes one's soul a reflection of the partner's moods. And as a room seems larger when lined wif mirrors, so do the joys becum amplified. And as the individual items in the room becums less clear and sharp, so does the pain diminish and fade, spread thin by the sharin.That is the beauty of honest, true love, whether in passion or frenship. A sharing tht multiplies the joys and thins the pain."

That is my part of my defination of luv. Maybe its not true for others. But this is my truth. Balance in all things. A line hav to be drawn sumwhere. I am drawing it here in the middle of all things. The balance point.