Chronicles of Shah

I burried Brownie today.

I opened my eyes feelin tht I hav left all my sorrows and worries behind me. I believe in starting a new day full of enthusiasm and hope . Tht sumhow today is better thn yesterday, like the sayin goes believin in a better tomorrow.

I took Brownie home frm the vet yerterday morning. I was hopeful tht Brownie was gettin better. After all, the vet gav me positive feedback the day before it. My heart sank when the vet informed me tht he juz stopped eating yesterday morning. I should hav seen it coming. I should hav left him wif them instead of bringin him back home to continue his treatments. Instead, even the vet seems eager to return Brownie back to me.

He was very, very quiet and subdued in the cab on the way home. Though rabbits do not make noises, usually Brownie will be moving arnd in his cage. Instead, his ears were drooped and he was like huddling to himself. I took it as he was somehow sore wif me for leaving him behind with the vet. As I had medical appointment cumin up soon, I left him in his temporary home facing his two other buddies, Black & Stitch.

When I gt home however, I was in for a very rude shock. Brownie was already flat on his side, his breathin very hard and raspy. I tried givin him his supplements and meds, he refused them and even vomitted it back out when I tried givin him to his mouth via syringe. He was very weak indeed... he cant even sit, always flat on his back. I was almost in tears as I stroked his cheek... he tried to stand up to face me, shiverin and shakin as he desperately tried to stir and look at me.

When sis came home, we rushed Brownie off to the vet emergency hospital at Whitley road. The prev vet already hinted strongly of puttin Brownie down to end his suffering. I debated strongly against tht idea in my mind while in the cab. Whose to say which is the more humane thing to do? I was forced wif tht decision once before.

I once rescued four very young bunnies almost four years ago. Four abandoned young rabbits out in the open hot field. A grey, white, black and of course brown. I called them Wolfy, Snowy, Blackie and of course brownie. Grey didnt make it soon after as he was already emanciated while the rest I nursed back to health and made it to adult. Blackie unfortunately, suffered frm gene disorder. Meaing he had severe infection to the gum and it spread to his eyes. Ever seen a one eyed rabbit before?

Despite his illness... blackie was a very active n playful rabbit. When the times he could force his pain down, he would gamboled round his cage and the balcony when we realeased him for xcercise. He would lick our fingers and hands when we gav him food...but as time goes by, we made regular visits to the vet due to his declining health. In the end though, he stopped being active and playful. We can really see tht he was sufering in pain. The vet seriusly recommended us to consider putting him down.

I remembered tht day clearly now, as I stood there in the vet clinic lookin at the very quiet and subdued Blackie. His one good eye half closed while the other one hideosly wide opened like as though it could pop out any moment. I remembered back to his good ole days when he was strong and fit... and I compared him now.. a far cry frm the Blackie I remembered back then. i thought I did the right thing to end his misery then. As the vet administered the lethal dose... I cried silent tears as he struggled to look at me one last time. I stroked his head gently then, as he lowered his head slowly to the ground and his life fled his body. I realized thn what a terrible mistake I had done. It was not my right to decide if he should be put down. I asked myself this question till now... who am I to decide if he suffered if he lived? What if he don't want to die despite his pain? I am no stranger to pain myself. Did i decide to swallow cyanide to end my suffering like I did with Blackie? No.. it was not my place. Its gods will... not mine to decide if he should be put down. What does it mean to be humane?

So tht's wht I did to Brownie. History hav this tendency to repeat itself to see if I hav indeed learned frm my mistake. But my conscience was screaming against my logic. It really cuts deep into my heart and conscience to see Brownie's laboured breathin and seein him so weak. What is life if u r bedridden and bein put on life support for the rest of ur life when U cant even breathe the fresh air out there and luxuriate in the warmth of the sun?

I seriusly do not knw. The right answer is as elusive as ever.

So I did wht could be done yesterday nite. We put Brownie on life support and drip. We paid for his xray and his xtravagant medical cost. I left the clinic feelin a glimmer of hope that everything's gonna be allrite. I was wrong.

And so I brought Brownie home in a box 2day. I looked at him for the last time. The day when Blackie and Snomy died, they died wif their eyes open. Brownie was the 1st ever to die as though he was sleeping contentedly. He looked so peaceful with his eyes closed and his position as though indeed he was sleeping. Perhaps he died peacefully in his sleep. Who knws... I wasnt there. I caressed him slowly as I prepared to lower him in his final resting place. I'm gona miss seeing him sniffing xpectantly at his food and him licking my fingers after I caress him at his cheek as though sayin thank you to me. I can still remember when he was but just a small lil rabbit and now he's a big bad rabbit.

At least, I had made the right decision not to put him down like I did wif Blackie. I consoled myself that I let Brownie die naturally. He would want tht. There, in the unmarked mound of earth lies Brownie, my fav rabbit tht I had adopted four years ago. I do not knw wht happen when an animal dies... animals hav no sins. I want to believe tht he's out there in a better place. Where there are endless open field and plenty of his fav food... running and hopping freely instead of in a cage.

As I made my way home, I remind myself again how fragile and short life is. I took a look around me and see ppl waiting for cabs or the bus. Vehicles passing by and ppl goin abt their business as usual....

Is it better to luv and lost rather than to never love at all? After xperiencing so many loss, I thought I had develop the emotional armour to protect myself. I thought sumhow I hav been xposed enuf to cushion the blow. No matter how much loss... I can still feel the emptiness and sadness where they used to be in my heart. Though time heals all wounds.... it always leave a scar.